Facebook is the End of Humanity

This was originally published by me on May 3, 2007.

Facebook is the End of Humanity.

There, I said it, now we have to live with it.

For those of you who know me, you know that I am a man of my word. I am not a good person, but I am honest and virtuous. Maybe, kinda and sorta don’t exist in my vocabulary, and that’s sorta one of my best features. Maybe it’s why I’m kinda the best at what I do? Entirely possible.

Sometimes it takes a real man to listen to someone’s pain. I get to do it on a daily basis, oftentimes not by my own admission. Today’s life-threatening terrorist force comes not from the Middle East, but from your very own computer screen. It’s called Facebook, and it’s going to ruin your life – if it hasn’t already.

The beginning of the end…

I’ll explain how Facebook works in the most honest terms you’ll come across:

-You sign up for an account. You put in some bullshit quotes and little blurbs about yourself, like you were making a singles ad. You are in a way, because you’re about to whore yourself out to the lowest bidder.

-You include pictures of yourself. You only pick the “best” ones. You also include every single picture you’ve ever appeared in, just to show strangers how outgoing you are. Girls will show off their body and clothes, and guys will show off their cars and the girls who just made a profile. They know you. They went to school with you. They own the right to be in the same picture as you, because they are popular.

-You include every aspect of your personal and professional life on the profile. Your schools, where you work, your relatives, address, phone number – anything you would be terrified of if someone got a hold of. Don’t be afraid though, this is the Internet! No bad people on the Internet to abuse the system, ever.

-You start looking up your friends. You know, those people who sometimes call your name if you’re in viewing range. Once you see their Facebook profile, you add their friends, because shit – you’re FRIENDS too.

-You look up the definition of the word ‘friend’ and realize you are so very fucking wrong

-You start to join the ‘clubs’ or groups of people with similar interests. No need to look hard though, there’s a group for everything. You can even make your own. You are now “An employee of Dunder-Mifflin!” but what about the other 37 groups with the same name? Dunder-Mifflin must have a lot of branches, then.  +1 to originality.

-You friend writes on your “wall.” They say something meaningful like “OMG I haven’t seen you in ages! We gotta hang out soon!”  Weird, eh? Last time I checked I hung out with my friends all the time. In fact, we were having so much fun hanging out that we forgot to not see each other in ages.

-This little light bulb goes off in your head about every person you’ve ever met. Is my ex-boyfriend on Facebook? How about that boy that sexually assaulted me? How about my abusive uncle? Wow, they’re all here! I can’t wait for them to know my every waking moment thanks to my friends writing on my wall about every breath I take.

-You start adding everyone, ever. You try to complete your entire high school by clicking every fucking piece of blue text imaginable. You feel so liberated when that bully that beat you up apologizes 9 years too late. It’s so easy to apologize over the Internet than it is to be a real person and do it in person with some heart and soul.

-You begin to electronically stalk your friends and people you hate. You can’t stop checking their profile on a daily basis. You start to feel nauseous when you’re waiting for their weekend pictures to be posted on Monday. You get butterflies when you start to see their innermost personal life displayed for all to see. You don’t notice you’re a victim too, since there’s no way to track who’s looking at yours.

-You can’t sleep at night until you check every profile ever. You start to get a slight buzz when you find out that your worst enemy hurt themselves while on vacation. You get chills down your spine when you hear the pity in their writing and you like it.

-You start to use Facebook wall writing as a substitute for MSN Messenger and email. You write very personal plans and thoughts to your ‘friends.’ Funny, if you wrote any of that stuff in an email and someone read it, you’d be mortified and feel violated. You equate wall writing to leaving “voicemail”. Since everyone else is addicted to Facebook, of course they’re going to see it in minutes.

-You don’t remember the last time you spoke to a friend on the phone. Why bother? Facebook is 24/7 free and no long distance. Voice? What’s that? You can hear their voice in their pictures of them holding their drinks. You can, can’t you…?

-You start using Facebook as a filtering service for your entire life. You start to judge people’s worth based on their profile. How many books they have read? What do they listen to? Is their life quote deep or just funny? Does it change every day? Oh my god, this person likes dogs too! Must be a great person…!

-You start to wonder who’s watching your profile. You make changes to your profile to appeal to everyone alive. You become a generic version of yourself. You’re afraid to express yourself because maybe…JUST maybe the love of your life will hate you because you don’t like dogs. You now love dogs. You love everything. Everything you hate is now “all right!” and everything you love is now “cool.” Spread yourself thin, because that’s the way to bring people closer to you.

-You notice that Cindy has 137 friends. You’re a few short of that number, so you start adding your cousin’s school friends. Seems logical, seeing as you’re both alive and on the same planet

-You run into someone you Facebook with in real life. They start to tell you about their life and events, but you already know everything. Who needs human contact and conversation anyway? Seems useless, you can barely listen to mp3s while talking at a bar. That Gwen Stefani’s not gonna listen to itself, you know. This person you barely know is now congratulating you on your new job. Seems totally appropriate, seeing as they don’t know what fucking colour your eyes are, or, you know, anything else.

-You read something on some website that says that if you spent as much time on Wikipedia as you did on Facebook, you’d be one of the most knowledgeable people alive and actually contribute to society

-Your attraction to the opposite sex quadruples. Guys that have no balls or personal skills are now chatting you up on Facebook. They’ve seen you drunk in pictures and now they want to be beside you. You love the attention and check your profile every chance you get. You have just found the ultimate dating service – the kind that violates every privacy act and human rights issue known to man.

-You don’t remember that last time you used MSN Messenger thanks to Facebook. You always login on invisible mode, so you don’t have to talk to anyone. You decided that MSN is just a great address book for people you hate. You read somewhere that you should delete people you don’t talk to, but then the list would be 4 people long! The horror! There’s no need to address your insecurities about your social life, really.

-You start to believe your own Facebook profile. You become more fake and more ‘fake outgoing.’ You change your little status message to alert everyone about your Cuba vacation and any every fucking minutia imaginable. The best part is that since anyone can read this, thieves know what you’re up to and break into your house without incident. The insurance company laughs at you and calls you an idiot. I am not far behind.

-You die, finally. No one notices because you weren’t there to post that as your status message. The end.

I hope you’re beginning to see the light. This is your life, and it’s ending one click at a time. Facebook brings out the worst in people. You put so much time and energy into something that makes you a worse person. Do you WANT this? I’m surprised you’ve made it this far into the article without changing tabs to check if someone wrote on your wall… I no longer have a Facebook account. Mine lasted all of 12 hours before I came to my fucking senses. People kept adding me, writing messages, asking me computer questions, flirting…go away. I don’t know you, and I don’t want to. You didn’t talk to me years ago, you have no right to talk to me now. I will not make an account. Your pretty little ‘school collection’ will never be complete without me. You will not be my buddy, and I will not ask your girlfriend about her new job. You won’t see me there, period. I am a popular dude on the Internet, but my private life is just that. You will not know things about me, and that’s how I like it. Privacy is the ultimate freedom that we are granted in life, and you fools are giving it away.

You know you’ve made it in life when the band takes a picture of you.
What concert was I at? You’ll never know, asshole, because you are not my friend

I want to be able to meet someone new and learn about them as nature intended. Ever occur to you that Facebook has a more complete and dynamic personnel tracking system than the CIA does? Works really well if you’re a total loser and have no social skills. Yep, I went there. I can’t even recall the amount of times I’ve been told this story: Boyfriend breaks into girlfriend’s Facebook account (born in what city? Super! Thanks!) and realizes that lots of guys are flirting with her. She sends them playful messages because everyone is a whore online. They have a fight in real life (remember that?) and hilarity ensues. They change passwords, trust issues, betrayal, etc etc etc Othello dies. You can substitute any gender and any situation, but it happens all the time. Here’s an idea – grow the fuck up! Stop sneaking around and flirting with everyone with a heartbeat. Have some dignity, please. You are not a socialite all of a sudden. You are not busy. You work the same 8 hours a day as everyone else. The other 16 hours you’re allowed to be honest with yourself and not put on a poorly-acted play for everyone else you secretly hate and/or want to bang. Pick up the phone, call a friend, go do something and don’t take 112 pictures of it to put on Facebook. Seriously. I’m not old fashioned, I’m not a shut-in – I just want all of you to know what you’re doing, since most of you are too dense to figure it out on your own.

drinking in car
I can post this because my mommy doesn’t use Facebook either

I, as a human being, implore you to stop using Facebook. Delete your account. You’ll be surprised when no one even notices. It is one of the most evil devices ever created and it’s destroying your life. You are hopelessly addicted and it will be the end of your natural life. I guarantee if you can make it 2 weeks without it, your life will become better in every way. Please share this article with everyone and see if it raises any concern – you’ll be surprised. And ashamed…and you should be.

If you enjoyed this article then you will LOVE this one. One of the most popular things on the Internet today!

  • narendr85

    I think that we’re getting ahead of ourselves by subscribing to social networking sites, such as facebook. The internet is an incredibly new phenomenon and humanity is not ready to use it responsibly. At this point, it’s really a sea of a lot of stuff that’s impossible to figure out.

    As much as it sounds pro-censorship to say so, the internet needs more standardization and democratic regulation in order to become both useful and non-damaging for its users. Until then, we shouldn’t be jumping into starting social networking profiles, such as facebook.

  • http://www.72uger.com [?]72uger

    Besides Facebook (social networking websites in all, because Facebook is not something new) cell phones (texting) are in the same life-ruining league. I see people who can’t stop, let alone have a conversation with someone without texting. Cell phones were once used for “calling / talking” to someone, but now people text..text…text. It’s pretty damn sad if you ask me.

    To sum up my above paragraph the world is becoming anti-social. Most people I know (in real life) cannot have a normal conversation anymore, due to Facebook (along with other social networking websites), and texting.

  • la

    says the man with a .com site for himself..your slurping at the vanity tit just as much as the rest of em whether or not your divulging private information (which by the way theirs plenty of on this site if anyone with know how and proper tools wanted to find out more about you,obviously not something joe schmoe could do but who cares if joe schmoe has info about you anyways,its useless to him)..these comments and e-mails/offers whatever you get are your bread and butter and you know it..your not completely wrong but obviously most of this stems from the fact your gf cheated on you with facebook in all likely hood ha…id say facebooks data/statistic collecting ability is far more dangerous then anything else and it will and in all probability already is being used by the powers that be to form shape and find you…as far as society goes you cant blame that on facebook..you can blame that on extremely poor parenting and a loss of all ethical and moral fabric at a very young age..which certainly the internet helped along but cant be blamed fully..and id imagine your a child of all that as well judging by your self delusion…just not enough enlightenment and intelligence currently in humans to wield the power of the internet properly…. i use facebook to communicate with my close friends who are not in my area, which may be unwise but not anymore unwise then using msn/icq/yahoo (very exploitable) so in all honesty i think your just focusing on the wrong part though yes most people should not be using facebook their already stupid enough, lets just hope natural selection has some room to do its work in the near future.

  • http://youtube.com/acetrainerkaio Kaio

    This reply is a few years behind, i liked the article itself, but when i found myself scrolling down and reading the comments. Oh my god, who let these mongaloids on the internet. You took time and wrote this whole interesting, very true, article and you get comments like “These are not good reasons to hate facebook.
    Facebook is very usefull and addictive and i really like it. ” What the fuck is that? That is probably one of the stupidist things ive ever read. And then theres all the “Oh you just dont like it because you don’t have friends” Fuck face book, and fuck your stupid friends. None of these people give a shit about you, all facebook is it a multi-million dollar Data tracker, tagging and stealing your every inner most thought to sell to the highest Product marketing company. In short, viva la resistance.

  • Spoon

    Where´s the like-button? I seriously agree with everything stated, I just quit Facebook myself after I got the entrance-examination results and got to know I didn’t get in to study in the university I applied to, because i actually spent more time on Facebook than in the library reading prior to the test.

  • Thousy

    I have a Facebook, but I only keep it just to see how stupid everyone else is. But I should’ve learned a while ago, when I had one and deleted it permanently (yes you can do this) and then remade one about 7 months later. It ruins your life. And yes maybe I am generalizing, but I don’t care because it’s my experience.

    Like someone or some people said above, all it is, is seeing stupid, immature people, brats, sluts and assholes there showing how cool they are taking pictures with 100 girls or girls taking pictures of them half naked in the mirror. I’m tired of stupid sexist, racist, religion bashing, stupid arguments people make on this social networking website.

    No, I don’t judge people by religion and I don’t insult peoples’ sexual preferences, race or religion so people need to stop making stupid groups about “Christians are stupid” or “Jews are cheap” or “Fags sucks!” or something. It’s NOT nice and it’s damn rude. ANYONE can make some stupid crap “page” and say all these ignorant things for no reason.

  • Thousy

    Oh and another thing that gets me paranoid is sharing your real name ANYWHERE online. I did once and it was an honest mistake which I wish I could take back.

  • http://none Jane

    everything you said is gold. I FEEL FREE NOW! seriously facebook has gotten so out of hand and invading, is beyond disturbing. It’s like we are cheating ourselves out of life by sitting on a computer waiting for it to happen. People train themselves to care what other idiots they dont care about are doing. I’m going to print this out and personally spread the message and try to make everyone see the light. I will never regret this decision!!!GOODBYE FOREVER FACEBOOK!!

  • Bloody

    After reading this, and I agree totally with you since I’ve never been there and don’t plan on going there any time soon as long as my brain still works good enough, I’m wondering why there’s a Facebook like button at the end of the article.

    That’s really epic irony : /

  • meg7m

    Hey there!

    I just loved this article! I deleted my facebook account a few months ago after using it for around 4 years. Granted, it took me a lot longer than you to come to my senses, but better late than never!

    A lot of people didn’t even notice that I had deleted my account initially, just like you said lol…. They would say things like, “Hey did you look at my new pictures?” and I’d just nod and secretly have a good laugh.

    Eventually a lot of them did notice and asked my why I had “fallen off the wagon”.

    I just lied and said I wanted to make a new one. People still believe this lame excuse. ‘Shows that most facebookers have their heads shoved too far up their asses to even notice when someone’s not even crediting them with the minimum amount of intelligence.

    I came across this article after googling “hating facebook” lol..With all the free time I have after deleting my fb account, I actually feel like googling relevant issues :p

    I agree wholeheartedly with everything you’ve said here.

    Cheers to never having to prove your life is great by shoving your updates and pictures down people’s throats. Cheers also to knowing your life sucks and not bothering to make it look like fun on fb!

    Cheers to being real.

  • bdub904

    When I found myself unsubscribing to more and more people due to their inane status updates, activities, etc. and kept getting friend requests from people I’m certain I never met, I said to myself, “What’s the fucking point to this?!” I deleted my account. This post only reaffirms my decision to end it. Plus, I think FB gave my work computer a virus from merely scrolling over one of their ads. Not clicking it mind you, just passing over it. One of those keystroke tracking trojans infected my computer and someone had to spend an hour and a half getting rid of it. FB has become a bigger target than users of Microsoft it seems. I’m done with shitbook forever.

  • Ulfric Stormcloack

    I find it difficult to delete my facebook because our college professors prefer facebook to upload their reviewers for the benefit of the students and for the upcoming preliminary examination, quizzes, or even finals.

  • Mace

    Ok. This is the negative side of fb. there is a positive one too, as everything has positive and negative side. it’s not about facebook, there are other sites too, the internet in general. it’s part of our lives. How much you’ll let it control you, it all depends on YOU! it’s not the websites or anything. it’s about the people who use them. you can have a fb account and a real life too. you can use it for fun or more, it’s up to you. i got your point of view, but that’s not all!

  • Katya

    Great article. You’ve reinforced my decision to delete my account. I had facebook on and off and today deleted the account. Main reason – I imagined the future direction of all this. Nasty! Not that I haven’t thought about it before – I did – but recently I understood simple things on a deeper level and realized FB is not part of this. Such as, someone who cares about you, will show it and will ask how you are doing. That is who your friends are, those who really check up on you. Usually it is not a lot of people, you can count on your fingers but those people will help you when times are hard and you have enough trust on their side, to help them and learn to maintain simple relationships and love, and humble the endless ego. And funny enough, I’ve never met my real friends of FB, but in real life. So, FB is useless for friends. You also have control as to what information you give, what you keep to yourself. That is part of normal interaction. If you have nothing to keep for yourself, nothing precious or special, or you’re ‘whoring it out’ on FB (imagine all your 100+ friend in an audience), then just as the article says, it shows Facebook is the End of Humanity.

  • Jon Rube

    Thank you so much for posting this article, I have now deleted my facebook account and my http://www.meetme.com account too. I feel so much better already and it’s only been barely two days since I proceeded with the plan. Once again, thank you!
    Sincerely, Jon Rube.

  • anon

    I deleted two weeks ago and it’s an amazing feeling to be free of fb! Sad but true. I don’t miss it at all and have actually seen several of my true friends who I haven’t seen in a while! So refreshing!

  • http://naturesfinestwork.blogspot.com Corrina

    I just pulled the plug too! Took me a few years to see the light… I’m SO ashamed :(


    REALLY great post!!! Well said!