the Tommy|Zor era

(Originally published May 11, 2005)

Long time no care, sports fan! Fuck I hate Care Bears. If No Heart’s up there and causing trouble every single fucking day, why do they wait until something goes wrong on Earth until they go up there and use the fucking Care Bear Stare? Just stay up there and molest that fucker until he becomes cute and cuddly. Care Bears live in Care-a-Lot; which is located in…fuck me…The Kingdom of Caring. The Care Bear Cousins come from the Forest of Feelings…you see, they’re not Bears. They’re like elephants and tigers and shit. Naturally, they are all the same size. To be honest, I loved this show as a kid. It really fucked up my perception of individuality. Each of the Care Bears had too much “purpose” in their lives. Let me explain. Bear with me, please. Holy shit I made a pun joke. Bear with me! NEVER NEVER NEVER again.

Champ Bear
He likes sports. He plays sports. That’s the sole purpose of his life. If he ever got injured, he’d kill himself – that is, if I didn’t beat him to it.

Bedtime Bear
This bear is useless, utterly and completely. His specialty is sleeping. Congratulations, you’re a role model to retarded college kids. Bedtime Bear…the original Michael Jackson.

Goodluck Bear
He is obviously Irish. His sole existence is to walk around drunk and talk about the stupid leaf on his chest. I wish he’d come to Canada just so he could freeze his and die. He has good luck all right…he’s lucky he hasn’t been choosing sides between Catholic Bear and Protestant Bear. (Both equally useless).

Share Bear
Share Bear is a filthy slut. She’s been knows to instigate sex orgies for the sole purpose of sharing. Sharing Chlamydia. Are those lollipops on her chest? No, they’re syringes. Get out the amoxicillin!

Cheer Bear
This is what happens when you name a character after a laundry detergent (albeit a good one). Cheer Bear is not only a girl, but quite obviously a lesbian. Why is she so fucking happy all the time? A rainbow on her chest means she loves to eat Skittles when she’s on her rag. Keep eating those candies you fat whore, and soon there’ll be nothing to cheer about.

Laugh-a-lot Bear
She is the living incarnate between a stoner and being awake until 4 am. Everything’s funny. You know those fart noises you make that’s only funny at church? She practically gets off on that. She is the perfect example of everything that’s wrong with this world. Stop laughing, get some help, get some sleep, go to school and stop this nonsense. This isn’t the 70s, cut that shit out. The star on her chest is giggling…I think that’s a bit much.

Wish Bear
Probably the best Care Bear concept. She has wishes, hopes and dreams and no single fucking means of accomplishing them. It’s like a metaphor for today’s society. Luckily they picked a shooting star for her symbol instead of giving into the temptation of using a magic lamp, which would’ve made her Arabic, and that’s frowned upon these days.

Funshine Bear
Everything’s great, fun and sunny! Don’t let his cute appearance fool you though, his Care Bear Funshine Stare is a horrific blast of UVA/UVB rays that will eventually cause skin cancer with repeated exposure. His best friends are pale girls with low self-esteem and plant growers. What’s the fuck is a Funshine? They made that up.

Friend Bear
Here’s a good one. She’s really friendly. She tells you she’s into you, leads you on until you have your hand down her pants, and then she tells you that she only wants to be friends. You then share a friendship for years based on one-sided sexual tension and frustration, while she tells you about how her boyfriend made her cum 11 times one day while you stayed home and played Super Nintendo. The flowers as her symbol remind you how you bought her flowers one day and that very same night she went to the bar and made out with your best friend while you hung out with your ex-girlfriend trying to patch things up and it never works out that way although you spent your whole summer thinking about her while you whored your self out to the lowest common denominator.

Love-a-lot Bear
She’s very loving. She has a very cliché heart symbol on her chest…she has TWO cliché heart symbols on her chest, to remind us all that loving only one heart is masturbation. She’s going to be a virgin forever while looking for “the one” while decent guys pass her by, and she decided to go away for college and ruined your life. Love-a-lot Bear is always a hit with the guys because even if you slap her around a little, she still loves it. Loves it…A LOT.

Grumpy Bear
Hands down, the fucking best Care Bear, bar none. Look at that symbol! His miserable rain cloud is raining down love of sympathy. It’s like your high school guidance counselor! He’s always in a bad mood, which makes him a great Care Bare to hang out with. His miserable life makes you feel better about yourself, and his lack of social skills make you shine. If I was any Care Bear (besides Fucking Awesome Bear v2), I’d be him. Hail to the King.

Birthday Bear
Birthday Bear is the partier of the group.  No matter what’s going on Birthday Bear can always find some reason or another to celebrate. Although he’s outgoing, boisterous and can show even the most crotchety person how to have fun, Birthday Bear’s inability to resist sweets and gift wrapped parcels often sets him up for a sour surprise. He’s also a drug dealer and peddles poisons to children. People who celebrate and party should be neutered.

Now, maybe it’s just me, but these are some Care Bears I don’t fucking remember as a kid. It all seems kinda cloudy and it makes sense when you hear it, but seriously now…this is ridiculous.

Do-your-best Bear
Who named this guy? Someone was beat as a child. Do-your-best Bear’s inability to be an avid kite flier is a sad juxtaposition on his life’s motto. He is easily the worst in bed of any Care Bear, since his doing your best attitude doesn’t go far when he can’t get it up. Eventually he’ll fly that kite into a power transformer, and we’ll be all set.

Harmony Bear
I guess “Useless Bear” was taken already. Harmony Bear loves to sing. Big fucking deal. Bears like this remind me of the Mega Man video games. Clever ideas, until you fucking milk it for all its worth. You have cool names like Spark Man and Gemini Man, then you have shit like Bright Man and Wave Man. Harmony Bear is what you get when you run out of ideas. She sings. And then what? More useless than a girl allergic to latex.

How could I forget about the Care Bear Cousins? There’s about a million of them. I will only list the most ridiculous ones.

Perfect and Polite Panda
Oh now that’s fucking ridiculous. They both look terrifying, like raccoons on heroine. I’m politely asking them to fuck off.

Gentle Heart Lamb
She’s so fucking shy and innocent that she fell into recluse and died in her room. Food chain: 1, Gentle Heart Lamb: 0.

Bright Heart Raccoon
The smartest of all Care Bear Cousins. His talents include going through people’s garbage and getting hosed by Tommy v2 when he crawls on your patio roof in the middle of January and getting Raccoon hypothermia. Tommy v2: 1, fucking stupid raccoon: 0.

Cozy Heart Penguin
A bird that can’t fly on a show that shouldn’t exist. And it’s purple and has an ambiguous gender. All it needs is a little handle on its head.

The villains. Care Bears has the lousiest villains on the planet.

Beastly, No Heart and Shrieky: disappointing children for years

I mean there are about a million of these fuckers, but only three main ones. No Heart is easily the best name for a bad person, perhaps ever. No Heart. He does not fucking care. He’s so evil he doesn’t even have a face, just eyes. Evil yes, effective? No. Always loses. Has no resources. His main side kicks ain’t shit. Shrieky and Beastly are worthless. Shrieky I wouldn’t mind fucking because she’d made a lot of noise that that’s pretty cool, but Beastly is just…that fat kid from your English class.

Yeah, so looking back at it, it’s really as bad as I thought. Luckily there’s Family Guy, so cartoons aren’t all for pansies. So until next time, don’t watch cartoons.