the Tommy|Zor era

(originally published December 2007)

No, Nintendo, I won’t play with your Wii!

You know how George Lucas raped your childhood by changing the original Star Wars movies and it didn’t match what you were used to? This example is nothing like that. It’s just regular rape. Nintendo, my ass hurts.

Besides being a brilliant writer and pretty decent in bed, I am a gamer. Hardcore. I can easily say that I’ve averaged one hour of playtime for every day I’ve been alive. It’s more impressive since I didn’t have access to electricity until I was about 6 years old. From my first moments in Canada playing Asteroids for Atari (a garbage game not worthy of a PS1 load screen minigame, by the way) to having my retinas seared the first time I saw Unreal 1, I’ve seen and played it all. To say that I love videogames is about correct as me saying I like to squeeze female boobies. Yes, it’s sad that I have to specify gender.

Even at this age, I’m ashamed to have read Gamepro

In the fall of 1989, I was blessed by having an older brother with an income. While my friends were all playing Nintendo, we bought a Sega Genesis (Sega Megadrive for all of you that live in crazy town). It was $338.21, and it was the most amazing moment of my life at that point. Just reading that box and manual on the way home, looking at the square grid black and gray pattern on the box was heaven. Fuck that, having sex with you friend’s cousin is heaven – this was way better. Losing my virginity was eating-breakfast-cereal-on-Saturday-like in its comparative significance.

That grid patten still gives me a chubby

Fast forward to 8 months later when my dreams were crushed when I laid my eyes on Super Mario Bros. 3 for the Nintendo NES. My Sega, with its superior graphics and sound hardware was just bitch slapped. My friend’s parents bought him Super Mario Bros. 3 and it was the most amazing game ever. Ever. My life lost all meaning because I did not own this. I banged two of his girlfriends 12 years later as revenge.

That Haley…what a woman. She knows all about SMB3 before it ever came out in America. “The star, Billy, the star!”

All of a sudden it became clear – it wasn’t the hardware that made the experience great, it was the software. It became even more clear that to be a gamer you needed to have ALL the hardware. In case some jocks are reading this – imagine that 4 girls in your class all have one sexual act that they’ve perfected. How can you live choosing just one? Imagine one girl being the master of psychological love-making (Mario Bros. 3) and one girl liking it right up the ass (Ghouls ‘n Ghosts) and one was just into quick and dirty blowjobs (Columns, Tetris). The last girl is just cheap and ugly and people only get her because she’s easy to operate (anything Atari).

When the Super Nintendo came out in fall 1991, everything changed in my life. We now had a system that just did everything right. We finally got most of the games that existed around the world. We were given games of every genre, new genres, and some stuff that just wasn’t supposed to work but did, and how! Nintendo was synonymous with gaming; not because it did it first, but because it did it best. Best is a relative term, but not in this case. Nintendo was god to me, and I prayed daily.

When Nintendo announced the Nintendo Ultra64, my blood gained new DNA strands to deal with my excitement. They were making a new Final Fantasy game for it, along with a new Mario, Zelda, whatever, whatever. Seeing those screenshots literally sliced bread and cats meowed and bees knees or something.

…I’ll skip right past the part when something called the PlayStation came around and changed the world. They had EVERY good game except Zelda and Mario. Every fucking game. Inferior hardware but superior software, and something for everyone. I was playing Final Fantasy and Metal Gear Solid and Resident Evil and Xenogears and Street Fighter Alpha and you get the point. My Nintendo64 sat on the floor like a beautiful paperweight gathering dust. What the fuck happened? How could a company that owned the world make such stupid mistakes? Because they are stupid. Very stupid.

..and that’s why we’re here today, folks.

If the iPod, Tamagotchi, Tickle Me Elo, and countless other useless things taught us anything, it’s that people are sheep. All you need is one news story about your new product to make it a massive success. Whether your product is good at all is basically irrelevant, because it’s all in the marketing.

In 2006, it became clear. Make your electronics product white in colour, and it was going to sell millions (see iPod, bread, toiler paper). Microsoft had already had the Xbox 360 video game console on the market (in white, no less) and the next generation of gaming had begun. Some people waited for the PlayStation 3 to come out, since it would be the third iteration of the best-selling game console of all time. Both the PlayStation 1 and 2 each sold over 120 million units (the original Nintendo, which is absurdly popular, only sold around 60 million units, for comparison, comma) so it was logical that the PlayStation 3 would do the same. It had every game series you’d ever need outside of Mario, Zelda, and now Halo.

Do you own a Saturn analog controller? No? Then you’re not a real gamer and shut the fuck up

So it’s still 2006. Everyone dismissed the upcoming Nintendo Revolution console because of Nintendo’s last console, the GameCube. (the worst name rip-off on PlaySation I’ve ever heard, even though the PlayStation was technically their idea to begin with). To be fair, the machine had some incredible games (Resident Evil 4 is the best game since Super Mario Bros. 3, for instance) but its market relevance was destroyed by their reputation to having nothing but kids games on it. The Nintendo generation had grown up, now playing murder simulators and gun-operating demos in full 3-D. Clearly the Nintendo Revolution was going to fail miserably. Unlike Sony and Microsoft, Nintendo decided that they wouldn’t upgrade the hardware much, leaving it in the dust when it came to visuals and audiols. No, that’s not a word, and don’t fucking use it in any forum post, ever.

Look how fun it is! For about 15 minutes, yes. After that, it’s a gyro mouse with a cord

To make things worse, Nintendo decided that High Definition televisions didn’t exist so they took out that idea. Their new system would not be capable of doing HD, which was a fucking lazy and irresponsible thing to do. A pioneer Japanese company decided that graphics and technology didn’t matter, even though most of the time they had the most powerful console to host the best games and best looking games. Nice. I know that graphics aren’t everything, but resolution is. I don’t care if something looks like shit, but it should at least match my TV’s specs. This was 2006, after all. I actually emailed Nintendo and told them that they would fucking burn in hell for not supporting HD and that they will fail again. I believe my exact words were:

Their new controller had some “motion sensing” capabilities and you could point to shit on the screen. What the hell for? You would now have to move around while playing your games, which was the opposite of what gaming was all about. 90% of my gaming life is spent in bed, with my controller under the sheets, in my lap, just south the greatest joystick ever. The world rolled their eyes at this idea, which was and still is stupid.

Then, just to make things more depressing, Nintendo decided to name their system which was up-to-this-point called the Nintendo Revolution to the…

…Nintendo Wii. Wii. Seriously. When I first saw the logo and name, I thought it was awesome. I immediately pronounced it “Nintendo Y” and it made sense. Y for wireless, Y for Generation Y, Y for Why not buy this? Etc etc. Then I downloaded a press video clip and they say… Nintendo Wee. Wee. Like what little boys call their COCK. Their SCHLONG. Their PORN BANANA. Nintendo fucking Wii. I thought it was an April Fool’s joke, and so did the entire industry. The entire system was doomed to fail on every level and was universally panned by anyone who mattered. I was secretly happy inside, because watching Nintendo fail was kind of amazing to watch, especially for the third time in a row. Every media outlet ran stories about Nintendo exiting the hardware business to make games for PlayStation, etc. I thought it was perfect. I though to myself that we’re finally at a time when Mario, Zelda, Final Fantasy and Sonic the Hedgehog could be on one system and the world would make sense.

Which good Nintendo system am I missing? None.

For the first time ever, Sony made a mistake by pricing their new PlayStation too high and having zero interesting software at launch, the exact opposite situation that brought them the entire gaming world 11 years earlier. Instead, people bought the Nintendo Wii which launched the same week, because it was less than half the cost. And it was white, and white things sell because you’re racist. The gaming press thought very little of it, since the graphics were awful, the software was truly nothing more than a tech demo for the controller, and the entire thing reeked of cashing-in to the “casual gamer” crazy. Casual gamer is a term for someone who fucking sucks at video games, but plays them once in a while so they fit in with other beings of superior intelligence and manual dexterity. I’m a casual gamer for games that suck – I play them for 10 minutes and I shut them off – permanently. I couldn’t believe Nintendo would stoop as low as to steal money from people too stupid not to know they were getting ripped off. They were making people pay hundreds of dollars to play with a glorified television remote control pointing to shit on the screen. Oh, but it was white.

Then there was that whole thing where people accidentally threw their Wii controllers at their TVs. That why women and old people should never play video games, ever. Nor drive.

As sad as it is to say this, Nintendo succeeded beyond everyone’s expectations. Their bullshit marketing hype and sales tactics are deceptive, though. They fake a hardware shortage to create fake demand for the product to make it appealing. They pry on society’s desperation and sheepishness to sell these units. Do you really expect me to believe that one of the world’s largest companies can’t product enough of a certain product? I’m sorry, but if I made money on every piece of hardware sold, I would make as many as possible, no matter what it took. If sales = money, then what’s the fucking problem? Make more, sell more. Right? Wrong. Create fake interest in a product and it’ll stay relevant. You really believe there was a shortage of Tickle Me Elmos years ago? No, they made hundreds of thousands of units a day and had warehouses full of that shit. People only bought it because it was a prize…but I don’t fall for such bullshit practices. They released all the Elmos after Christmas, and guess what? No one fucking bought them anymore. It was attainable, therefore just another ugly doll. It was always a piece of shit, and so is the Nintendo Wii. An outdated, silly, shallow and cheap gaming experience only popular for its marketability.

If you don’t believe me, you’re wrong. Microsoft was hoping Halo 3 would be a success, and it was the biggest game launch of all time. Guess what? They made millions of them and sold just as many. I could go anywhere and buy it, and still can. Ditto on Guitar Hero. Ditto on iPods, bread and milk. They don’t have to manipulate the public to sell their shit.

For my last attempt to nail my point home, consider this: During these past winter months, sales results show that the Wii has been making SALES RECORDS, with massive unit number jumps. How can you make sales records when your console is experiencing a hardware shortage? Uh huh. Nice work. Did you actually SHIP some consoles out of those warehouses? Imagine that. Don’t believe everything you hear. (unless I said it, of course.)

Just so we’re clear, I’m not a fanboy of another manufacturer. I own more consoles than your ex has STDs. I am a gamer. I want to play games…good ones. I own pretty much everything because I like to play the best games. What’s wrong with that? Nothing. So what’s wrong with the Nintendo Wii? Everything. Shit hardware to play the worst games. Don’t get started on that Mario, Zelda, Metroid bullshit or I’ll kick your ass. I played Super Metroid the week it came out, and had Zelda: LttP posters on my walls before the Internet had us praising shit we barely play. I know the significance of those franchises better than you do, I promise. Of those 3, only the Mario series still sells properly and is the only franchise of the 3 that guarantees quality. 3 games do not a system make, kids. Talk like this, Yoda does.

Not a fanboy, but a game boy

Just to clear it up for all the forums reading this, I am not a fanboy. I don’t pretend the PlayStation 3 has more than 3 pieces of quality software, because currently it doesn’t. But it will. Xbox 360 already does. The Wii does not and never will. Mark my words. [If you want my professional opinion, PlayStation 3 will win this console war again and go on to sell over 100 million units. Read this article in 2011, and you’ll see. Remember what I said about Final Fantasy? It still applies. It is the most important gaming franchise on the planet for several reasons and that cannot be argued based on previous results.]

Wii has become a cultural phenomenon. Everyone’s playing it, everyone’s grandmother is playing it. Everyone is buying it for their kids because everyone’s buying it for their kids. Do you really believe that gamers actually play their Wiis anymore? Nah. After Super Smash Brothers comes out in the spring, what’s left? Nothing. Another Zelda? Another Mario? Another Metroid? No. Nothing. Reality will set in and the system will stop selling. Kids who get introduced to gaming through the Wii will move onto bigger and better things. To paraphrase a Sony rep: “Nintendo Wii is like a Happy Meal, the PS3 is like Surf ‘n Turf.”  The Happy Meal satisfies my hunger, but dude, I like to EAT. A lot. Eating is an important part of my life, and eating Happy Meals forever would literally kill me.

That’s all we need – old people moving around. Fuck. I hope they break their anatomy

Imagine when a child plays some fucking point-and-click Wii game his whole life game and then sees Gears of War playing on a 68” TV running in glorious high definition with surround sound and a controller that requires some intelligence. You’d have to be on drugs not to think it won’t appeal to his deepest, most curious desires. The Nintendo Wii was designed for children, old people, laboratory chimps, women and mentally retarded people. I did just lump them all together, thanks for noticing, and no, don’t bother telling me how rude it was. I don’t listen to women, children, mentals, chimps or old people. They shouldn’t be reading this anyway. They should be mowing the lawn, making me a sandwich, shitting themselves, making jungle noises, and thumping their chests – but I won’t say whom does what.

Oh, and one last thing about the Wii. It has a feature called “Virtual Console”, which is an emulation system that lets you download and play old video games (for a fee, of course). It sounds awesome until you realize how mean it it for Nintendo to let you play good games on its system that aren’t actually for Wii. Fucking cock tease – show us good old games but don’t make any new ones. Nice work, asswipes.

Oh, and one last thing, again, more last than last time. Your controller scheme – it doesn’t make ‘normal’ games better. Imagine my surprise when I found the new Zelda game annoying and frustrating to play. Plus, the Wiimote scheme makes it so Link has to be right handed in the game. Link is LEFT HANDED, assholes. Always and forever. Using your fucking controller didn’t make the game experience better at all. The game should be the experience, not the experience of moving your arms around like an idiot.

Tommy v2 wrote:
“The game should be the experience, not the experience of moving your arms around like an idiot”

QFT!!!11

Yes, I did just do that.

In conclusion, don’t support Nintendo and their Wii system. It is everything that is wrong with the world. It pries on the weakness of our society and ruins gaming for those of us that created the industry in the first place. If the iPod ruined music and MySpace/Facebook ruined the Internet, the Wii ruined gaming. It will never recover and it’s sad. Now I ask someone if they’re a gamer, they say “Yeah, I’ve been playing a lot of Wii sports with my co-workers.” That is the wrong answer. That is not an answer to my question, but to the question “Are you a trendy fucking asshole with no original thought, skill or income?” Nintendo will destroy their own invention (don’t even mention Atari, those weren’t games, those were television defects) by their own doing. I will sit back and watch my biggest hobby and passion get raped by a shitty little box with no respect to its lineage. Oh, and it’ll be white.

Here’s some one finger gameplay, assholes

In the mean time, I will think back to better days when things made sense. Until that time, think for yourself do what I say and boycott the Nintendo Wii. Perhaps the children will be sad this Christmas, and that will feel good. Really good.

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