the Tommy|Zor era

Here I am, sitting down at my local pub and enjoying a fine, value brand beer on a warm spring day. Sounds cliche I understand… but that’s nothing compared to the shit I heard moments after taking my first sip.

This jackass decides to approach a group of girls sitting at a booth and, rather than pouring on a natural charm that a player has, decides to bring out his ‘game.’ Holy shit – I felt like going over there and rejecting him myself. Honest to God – what the hell are you trying to prove? For those of you who feel out of the loop, there’s a trend going around lately of guys conforming to the pickup styles of the “Pickup Artist” community. For further reading, “The Game” by Neil Strauss, “Double your Dating” by David DeAngelo and a million others.

People are always asking me if I’ve heard of ‘The Game.’ Yes, I’ve heard of it, thanks. I’ve also watched two seasons of The Pickup Artist. It’s amusing and I rather enjoyed it. Something about watching guys fail miserably with women brings joy to my heart and soul. I feel that when people watch shit like that, or read about it, they’re missing the entire fucking point. The idea is NOT to pickup women, but rather to build a life. These guys who go on the show do not strive to become a different person – they’re working towards discovering themselves. Discovering yourself means learning who are you, what you like and what you’re looking for in life. And here lies the problem.

There’s a difference between who you want to be and who you actually are. These guys who think they have mad ’skills’ and wicked ‘game’ are envisioning themselves as a character they are far from. We can even take it further than that. I’m willing to wager that many of us envision ourselves as a different person than who we really are. I’m sure you wake up every morning thinking you are that person. In reality, who you think you are and who you actually channel are entirely different… and everybody knows it. Think back to high school (for those readers who are still in high school, pay attention): very few people are satisfied with who they really are as a teenager. All these psychologists, analysts and many others who profit from obvious observations will tell you that teenage years are a time of self discovery. You probably tried new attitudes, acted different, dressed differently, or just did your best to get through the day. In the end, you still weren’t happy. The ‘cool’ kids were the ones who didn’t give a shit what others thought. We envied that, we wanted it. After high school, you spend your entire time proving yourself from the person you once were.

Until the sad realization hits: the person you were in high school is still the person you are today. Things have changed, circumstances have changed, but who are will always remain the same. And here comes the real issue. Coming up with a cool ‘gambit’ or conversation starter will NOT nullify your entire persona. Women will not flock to you and men will not think you are a god on earth because you can say something clever to a woman. Landing a good job, taking on a great life experience or dating the prom queen still doesn’t change who you are. We adapt, we accustom ourselves, we learn new things, but we don’t change who we are as a person. So while you portray yourself as a big swinging roller of the world, you’re still channeling the kid who tried to do everything to get attention from anybody. If it sounds despairing, it shouldn’t. I’m trying to make your life easier.

In knowing that a person cannot change who they are at their core, your entire goal should be working towards being that person: 100% with no hesitation. Stop giving in to others and stop changing yourself. If you are not 100% who you are, you cannot even begin to dialogue with another person. There is nothing more frustrating than talking to a person who has no idea who they are, or is trying to channel a person they think they are. It’s a useless waste of time and you should just move on with your life.

“But Zor, there are some people who have made changes in their lives. Some for the worse, but some for the better”
What’s your definition of worse and better? Overcoming a drug addiction is a good change. Being a more organized, productive person is a good change. Giving up all your worldly possessions and becoming an advocate of religion x – some see it as good and some see it as bad. Again, these are changes to your lifestyle, not to the person you are. For instance, if you’ve always been a musically minded person, you will always be a musically minded person.

Back to the topic at hand. Years ago, saying you are a magician was on par with telling people you’re a hardcore Dungeons & Dragons player. You weren’t winning any points with anybody on that note. Today, that is a different story. People actually enjoy magic (thankfully) and they are responsive to it. Unfortunately, when I pull out the magic, I still get a few guys who run up to me and tell me “Oh man, that’s such a good DHV spike.” DHV? Demonstration of Higher Value. Are you fucking kidding me? I’m doing what I love and something that I’ve practiced for many years now. Seriously, go fuck off. The language you’ve developed is on par with the language of nerds who play role playing games.

My favourite argument with all of this came at a bachelor party. Two guys at this party were arguing with each other over the dynamics of ‘picking up’ women. One guy talked about ‘The Game’ and how it works, blah blah blah. The other guy, obviously frustrated, told him “What about just approaching a girl and just talking with her. If she’s interested in you, she’ll keep talking with you.” Shit – imagine that novelty. If a girl is interested in you, she’ll want to keep talking to you. Here came the clincher,
“You can start a conversation with her, but you have to keep it interesting.”
Here’s where I laugh. In order to get her interest, you have to be an interesting person.
The two proceeded to make a bet. The one guy bet the ‘gamer’ that he wouldn’t pick up a single person that night. Guess what? He didn’t approach a single woman the entire night. And while that whole fiasco was happening in the background, the rest of us guys were having a kickass time. It’s a bachelor party and we’re surrounded by friends; it was time to rock! At one of the pubs we hit up, a table of girls joined our group, tied the bachelor up with a scarf, took some naughty photos and had a lot of fun. Most of us were in a relationship. We didn’t care about anybody else. We were just having fun and being ourselves. I wouldn’t trade that for any tricks or fake personas.

You’re either natural, or trying to emulate being natural.
Which is easier to keep up in the long run?
Which one do you think people will be attracted to?
Which one will make you happy?
Which one will get you what you want?

Emulation can only get you so far and you will learn something. You will learn about yourself and who you really are and what you really want. If you don’t learn that, you’re wasting your time and your life.

Does this mean I am in disagreement that these ‘techniques’ actually work? Absolutely not, but let me give you an analogy. When a magician is first learning, he or she will study under a mentor, read some books or watch some training DVDs. Off the bat, the apprentice magician will follow the routines and patter word for word as it is written, or try to emulate the mentor or magician on the DVD. The magic will still come through and people will still give a good reaction, but the character won’t fit. When that magician takes those same routines and puts him or herself into it, making it original and fresh for their personality, the magic shines. Seasoned magicians know that you simply cannot emulate the greats (David Copperfield for instance) because their act is specific to them and everyone will KNOW. Even if they’ve never seen the other magician you’re trying to imitate, they’ll still know. Same thing applies in social situations. You can imitate and emulate all you want, but people will know. You’re not fooling anybody. Do I sound repetitive? So does your game. As a fellow man, I want to see you succeed. But, many times you make it difficult for me to cheer for you.

So what happened to this guy at the pub that started me on this whole rant? I think you already know the story before it ends. He got their attention, held it for a few minutes and couldn’t seal the deal.  A part of me almost felt bad for him, but then I realized I still had a pint of beer that needed to be enjoyed and friends I wanted to talk to. Be original, be yourself and go home happy.