the Tommy|Zor era

…you knew this day would come!

We’d like to welcome Paperdreamer to the Tommy|Zor era team! You’ll get to know her, yes…you heard girl, a girl (check Wikipedia), soon enough.

Let’s interview our newest, and most female member yet!

[v2] Please state your name and your age.

[Paperdreamer] My name? My real name? Like I’m supposed to believe that Zor is a real name. And who has a last name with a number in it?

[Zor] …

[v2] …Can I call you Britney?

[Paper]  I’m in my very early twenties.

[Zor] Half my age plus seven… yep. You qualify.

[v2] You’re not supposed to say that out loud, fool. My grandma’s reading this. That bitch is most definitely reading this site.

[Paperdreamer] Scary to think there are others that share common DNA with you…

[v2] You have no idea how many people I’ve shared my DNA with!

[Paperdreamer] Although funny, you are a terrible person.

[Zor] Dude, I think she just propositioned you. Anyway, what makes you think you’re good enough to hang out with us ghetto royalty?

[v2] Dude, she’s a girl. This is so cool.

[Paperdreamer] I’ve been a girl my whole life.  I’m not sure going to Burger King makes you royalty, Zor. 

[v2] What about my whole life?

[Zor] Are we ever going to stay on task?

[Paperdreamer] What makes you think your ghetto is ghetto-er than my ghetto, the ghettoest ghetto there is?

[Zor] Are you steppin’? ’cause I’ll box you.

[Paperdreamer] Damn it feels good to be a gangster…

[Zor] Okay gangster, what do you plan to bring to the team? What are you planning to do for our fans?

[Paperdreamer] I’m bringing two X chromosomes. I plan to upgrade all the fans to higher versions.

[Zor] I’m into the XXX chromosomes, myself. See what I did there? Fuck I’m a genius.

[Paperdreamer] That’s a genetic disorder. Genius.

[v2] Is it true that I’m the best comedy writer on the Internet?

[Paperdreamer] How is this an interview question about me? This seems egocentric…

[Zor] You should see his bedroom. Guy has his own shrine of self-worship just because he wrote 2 popular articles in his lifetime.

[v2] Coming from the guy who became a fan of himself on Facebook. What is your life goal? More importantly, how can this goal make us money?

[Paperdreamer] Sell your ad space to porn?

[Zor] She might be on to something. PS2 rules…

[Paperdreamer] Whatever floats your boat, man.

[v2] Get with the program dude. Obviously PS3 is the hottest shit right now…wait, that’s your life goal?

[Paperdreamer] Well, no that’s just a way to make money.  Probably an effective, yet questionable, way.

[v2] What a wonderful goal. Just know that you’re less likely to do that here than you are working for Verizon.

[Zor] Can you let that die already?

[v2] I wasted a part of my life there. I have a right to be bitter.

[Paperdreamer] I’ve never been affiliated with Verizon or bought their services. Except when they used to be Bell-Atlantic. I miss that.

[v2] What is this “Bell-Atlantic” shit?

[Paperdreamer] It must be an American thing.

[Zor] You Americans always use us to power your economy. I will not work for your ends!

[v2] You work in Canada.

[Zor] You worked for Verizon.

[v2] I slept with your two of your exes.

[Paperdreamer] So when do I get a minion?

[v2] I prefer groupies. I used to have some before I jumped the shark.

[Zor] Minions, like those oompa loompas?

[Paperdreamer] Yeah! The little orange guys.

[v2] I thought they were pumpkins. Fuck, were they even orange? Time to Wiki that.

[Paperdreamer] I need a minion. To do my bidding.

[Zor] …she talked about porn on the interview!

[v2] …is that all you got from all this? I don’t blame you, in a way. You have a narrow focus anyway.

[Paperdreamer] That’s just how I am. I adapt to my audience. I’m good like that.

[v2] So good like goodie good or good like sooo bad?

[Zor] Is talking about porn unprofessional? Do we have a policy about that in our company work contracts?

[v2] It’s only unprofessional if she were a guy. We have to let her write for Tommy|Zor now. And besides, I have extra DNA to spare.

Except that she’s a winner! See what I did there? [Zor edit: You can't make captions like that. They're terrible.] [Paperdreamer edit: Are you implying McDonald's would never hire me?  Or is this stemming from the whole rant on which bitch makes the sandwiches?] [v2 edit: ...As long as you're offended...attractively]

[Zor] I would like to point out that tags for this interview include ‘hot naked lesbians’.

[Paperdreamer] I have a backup plan in case we end up making enough negative revenue — you can sell your baby makers and I can be your pimp. We’ll make mad baby money!

[Zor] What do I do?

[Paperdreamer] The usual. Carry the old customers.

[v2] Sucker. You’re stuck with the old ones. I like the fresh meat.

[Paperdreamer] Let’s wrap this up. I got better things to do than listen to you talk about women as pieces of meat.

[Zor] I’m so hungry.

[v2] Well, Paperdreamer, welcome to TommyZor.com! We look forward to having you enlighten us all with your writing talent. I mean, someone on this site has to have writing talent beyond posting pictures of girls and making jokes about magic sex.

[Paperdreamer] Thanks guys. Zor, seriously, do your pants up. Tom’s grandma can’t deal with this right now.

[Zor] That was actually for you. We have a sexual harassment requirement here. Plus, I’ll show you magic sex.

[Paperdreamer] No thanks. I hate disappointment.

[v2] I can’t wait for the Exit Interview!