the Tommy|Zor era

There’s nothing wrong with being a celebrity worshiper, but forgive me if I take it to another level. If I bring shame upon myself, then so be it. I must share my feelings with the entire Internet, because it’s my god-given and $9.99-a-month right to do so.

First, a little background. Please don’t judge me, as I can’t control what I dream about. If dreams are the brain defragging, then my hard drive must’ve had multiple partitions, bad sectors, and been spinning the wrong way entirely.

This is where is all starts to goes horribly wrong…

One night I had a dream. I was a soccer/football player and played on a winning team. I didn’t get along with any of my teammates, because I was the star and they were mad jealous of how I kick this white sphere into a net. It might have been a volleyball ball, I can’t be sure. During one game with an opposing team we had never played before, I met one of the players during lunch break. Yes, this soccer game had a lunch break. KFC and Gatorade. I was talking to this dude, let’s just say his name was Alan. He kept talking, and I was amused by his high pitched and expressive voice. I started to look into his eyes. He might’ve been the best looking dude I had ever seen, which is weird because I’m not into dudes. He had long-ish hair, deep green eyes, and the most pathetic dude-body I had ever seen. Completely hairless legs, no signs of facial shaving.

We kept talking all lunch break, and all of a sudden I was compelled by him some more. We went indoors to a private place, and he jumped me. We started making out, and I was like freaking the fuck out, but for some reason it wasn’t that bad. He took off his uniform top, and there were a sweet set of B-cup man boobs looking at me. If this wasn’t a dream and it was reality, I would’ve never went somewhere private with a dude unless he was giving me pirated white-label Nintendo ROMs or something. So I’m making out with this dude, he’s all topless, I’m not hating it, and that’s when he says “Hey…for how long have you known it’s me?”

“What do you mean me? Who the fuck are you?” I asked, shocked but possibly sporting semi wood.

He reached back to the back of his head, pulled something and out comes more hair. “I’m Amanda Bynes, you idiot! A girl!!!”

This is when I woke up. I think I was sweating. I just thought had a homosexual experience, but even in my dreams I couldn’t do it legitimately. I just totally made out with Amanda Bynes, saw her tats, and I’m fucking awesome.

The end.

Oh Amanda, where do I begin?

C’mon - you can’t be a dude, can you?

Through dating, I have been forced to watch every Amanda Bynes movie. Correction - I was forced into watching precisely one Amanda Bynes movie, the rest have been completely voluntary. I have no idea what compels me to see her movies, but I can’t pull myself away. Is it her chipmunk cheeks, her eyes, her playful facial expressions, her boy body, her shiny hair, her cartoon voice (she even did a voice on Family Guy once), her youthful appearance or is it some sign of latent pseudo-bisexual-curiosity-turned-teen-idol-worship? It’s disturbing, it really is. I don’t want to blame 9/11, but…

Oh Amanda, why do you make me feel so heteroflexible?

Please stop being a sexy boy immediately I love bewbs

On a physical level, Amanda Bynes is totally hot. I would say that most, if not all dudes would say “Dude, she’s hot.” When they tart her up with make-up and jewelery, she looks even better. Her acting is on or above par for young non-serious actresses, hence rendering her career valid and existent. She seems so sweet and friendly, unlike so many of those bitches in Hollywood. So why, oh why must she manifest herself in my dreams as a boy? Is it from a lack of a big rack? Is this how my brain punishes me for being attracted to someone without a 36-24-36 frame? Damn you feeble brain, don’t turn gay because she doesn’t have large snacktrays…

I dare you to tell me she’s not hot

I continue to do Yahoo! image searches on her to see if I can spot any problems. I cannot. What’s she have that made me (I can’t believe I’m saying this) want to see that Hairspray movie, knowing her role wasn’t even that major? I actually saw Sidney White on opening day. I’m going to burn in hell for this. Not many teen girl starlets have that effect on me. I don’t give 3 shits about Hilary Duff, the Olsen twins, Mandy Moore, Hanna Montana (I’m not into bipolar chicks with multiple personalities of which each earn multimillions. She’s also like 15 or some shit, but read this article in 3 years and it’ll be OK) but this Amanda Bynes captivates me. I’d love to meet her just to hang out with her. Ha! Just kidding. I’d nail her good. She’d fall in love with me anyway, because c’mon, I’m Tommy fucking v2, former Internet superstar. I’m totally into her, even more so than she’d be into me [insert insertion joke here]. She’s the type of girl you bring to meet your grandparents, she’s the type of girl you write home about. Who the fuck sends letter to their house? “Dear Parents, I swear this one’s a girl. Love, your son, Tom. PS: Not gay.”

I like girls, dammit, GIRLS!!!

I mean goddamn it, she plays a boy in one movie and I’m obsessed with her. That can’t be healthy. Maybe it’s like a fantasy of mine to have such a hot girl be a tomboy and fun, tough, entertaining. It can’t possibly be because I have a thing for semi-teenage-transgender-shenanigans.

So yeah, Amanda Bynes. You’re hot and I love you, on a strictly female and physical level. My attraction to you is because you are said hot female, and not because you played a boy and fucked up my heterosexual dreams forever. Thanks for nothing.

Ubuntumanda 8.04 makes geeks wet

I’ll see you when Living Proof comes out, but I’ll probably just download it because I’ve been banned for life from my local theatre’s Amanda Bynes movies showings due to inappropriate conduct. God I hope my dad’s not reading this. Thanksgiving dinner may be very awkward this year.