Another year, another set of awards for me to hand out. 2008 was a very good year for all forms of media, and I need to celebrate it in only the way that I can. Unlike the Oscars, which are useless lately (Gran Torino didn’t get anything? Proof that the Oscars are meaningless. (Also, years ago, American History X didn’t get an Oscar nod, either. Are you kidding me?) Let’s roll, kids.

Oh, and to all you fucking whiners complaining about my writing recently, you can all write yourselves a little haiku about how you can eat a dick.

Movie of the Year

Young People Fucking

Yes, it’s really called that for a reason

Yep, you heard it here first. 2008’s best movie was Young People Fucking. This is a movie so bold, so outrageously entertaining that it defies all moviemaking logic. This is a rare moment that a movie is made with no compromise in mind and no apologies. Nothing feels watered-down or made-for-TV. Hell, even the name of the movie proves it’s not mass-market. It’s the sort of movie that should get awards just because that’s what awards are made for. The movie is about a few sets of partners and their one night of sex. The movie goes through the stages (foreplay, sex, orgasm, afterglow, etc) for each of these couples. It’s amazing. Pure, unadulterated, joy. This movie isn’t for everyone. Virgins, or those with little sexual experience will not understand some of the nuances. Those who don’t know a wide variety of people in their personal lives – they might not relate to those characters. For those that fit all this criteria, you have a masterpiece that deserves your viewing. Just awesome.

Runner up: The Dark Knight

What more is there to say about this movie? $530 million dollars tell you something. It’s amazing, but a few small problems with the movie render it slightly less than it could’ve been.

Runner up: Sex Drive

This is, without a doubt, the best teen comedy ever made. Period. American Pie this, Superbad that, forget them all. This is the one.

Pop Song of the Year

Katy Perry – I Kissed a Girl

The video for this didn’t have any girls kissing, so I saved you some time and put in a more interesting picture. There is nudity below the chest, but this a family-oriented website. That means you can see her pussy

This song is awesome. I heard it many times, and I found it insanely catchy and the content made me horny. It was a chick telling me she likes kissing girls, but being a lesbian is dirty and wrong. SCORE! One day, I heard this song on a real sound system, and the fucking thing came alive, man. That burbling synth bassline in the chorus is fucking MON-AY. I didn’t expect that. Awesome. Also, I’ve seen many girls kissing while it played, which is a bonus. Last song that had girls doing that was any song I played after I substituted fruit juice with water-down roofie-coladas mixed with Fresca. Bleh.

Game of the Year

Metal Gear Solid 4

Last game I bought on release day was Star Fox 64. Here’s another

Right away, from the moment you start this game, things are forever going to change for you. A game that has commercials (or so you think!) that run during it prove that games have come a long way from the bleeps and boops of yesteryear. Incredibly layered and complex, with a confusing, mind-bending storyline placed over the most lovely and painstakingly created graphics you can think of. A true masterpiece, genuinely created for the enjoyment of the player, not the marketing department. A game that puts goosebumps on your body for its most intimate moments, and using the technology in every way to make it as good as it could possibly be. It’s a fucking triumph, the kind that you as a child with unlimited imagination couldn’t even come up with. It’s rated M for Mature, and it’s exactly that – mature. Adult entertainment, not able to be grasped by kids. There’s one game a year that hits this hard, and in 2008, there was none better.

Runner up: Valkyria Chronicles.

I wrote a 2000 word review telling you I’d give away all 3 of my first-borns to own this game and play it. It’s that good, and proof that sometimes when you have a goal, you can exceed it to levels unparalleled. A classic today, and 15 years from now. Locate this game, and throw money at it. It earns your every penny and will pay you back with a better life. I promise.

Worst Media Moment of the Year

Barack Obama gets elected president of the United States

If ya smelllllllllllllllllllllllllalalala what BARACK IS COOKING (seriously, he has the same voice! Listen to it sometime, it’s uncanny…)

Blasphemy, you say? First of all, Jack Bauer gets none of the credit for saving his ass from an assassin all those years ago. Second of all, what the world really needed was a woman president. What we really needed was a black pope. Everything got all mixed up, and now Jack Bauer is saving a woman president and he’s not religious. What the fuck am I talking about?

7 beers in 43 minutes, bitches.

Album of the Year

Britney Spears – Circus

Fuck the shit out of you, my millionaire dream girl? Don’t mind if I do. Oh, plus Teagan looked like you 5 years ago

Don’t even begin to laugh – let me save you the effort. Pop music, despite your snobbish bullshit tastes, is still the most important form of music. It’s a reflection of the culture you live in, and a reflection of how we feel we can entertain the most amount of people possible. Enter Britney Spears, releasing her sixth album amongst a world that makes fun of her and gives her flack for being only 25% as crazy as your ex-girlfriend on a good day. So what’s going on here? Britney releases Circus, her most accomplished album (and best) to date. There’s no need for that. There’s no logic for making something this good this late in your career. This album is 50% as good as the Gorillaz’s Demon Days album, but that album was 149% as good as anything you’ve ever heard. Absurd, but true. Britney nails everything here, and even brings us music from the future (on Mannequin) which won’t make sense until a decade from now. This is quite the achievement, and honestly – color me surprised. I would still fuck the shit out of her. Hard.

[Zor: Since this is an awards show, do you think Britney will perform live for us?]

Yes, yes…”perform.” As my friend, all I ask is that you bring the video camera and rubber gloves.

[Zor: Done.]

Runner Up: Portishead’s Third

Every Portishead album is much worse than the last, but given how absurdly fucking amazing Dummy was, it’ll take another 4 albums before an album is pretty good.

Vacation of the Year

v2 and Zor Upgrade California

[Zor: Did you really make an award for this? This is awfully specific. Vacation of the Year? What the fuck does that even mean?]

Tommy v2 and Zor conquered California in the only way they know how – with a rental car, GPS unit, credit card, burgers and pancakes all day, and high-fiving every time we saw a girl that was half as hot as a Canadian hottie. Highlights include getting into the Magic Castle, going to a random woman’s house for a pool party, and drinking more beer in one week than I drank in 2007. Score!

[Zor: We also visited the set of Arrested Development, went to Hollywood, and hollered and made gang signs at strangers.]

Oh yeah, that too. We did a lot of stuff. It’s the Vacation of the Year, damn it!

[Zor: Also the only vacation of the year, toolbox.]

v2 Moment of the Year

When I sunk my car in the back yard

[No picture available. It's too shameful to look like a fucking douche]

I attempted to park my car for winter storage in my back yard. I did so, after a minute of trouble. (sport tires + ice + rear wheel drive + limited-slip diff = nightmare) I wasn’t satisfied with the geometric alignment of the car to the fence (I’m serious, I am actually retarded), so, naturally, I decided to attempt to correct it by moving around a bit. Short story long, 1 hour later my car was laying on the subframe, all 4 wheels 10 inches deep buried in freezing mud. Zor was there to witness it all, and encourage me, as I kept sinking it deeper and deeper into the ground. Ever had to call emergency roadsite support for a problem in your back yard? Uh huh. Of course I didn’t call them, but I did call my dad, who actually wondered why he had two daughters. Sigh…

[Zor: That was amazing. Easily the stupiest fucking thing you've done in 2008, and I'm including that time you tried to return your PlayStation ONE to Wal-Mart in August 2008.]

Saddest Internet Moment of the Year

Tommyv2.com shuts its doors (but the building still stands)

Remember waiting 6 weeks between articles? Me neither

In a deeply emotion and heart-felt goodbye, I bid farewell to the site that made me an Internet superstar. Isn’t that how you thank your fans, by leaving them? Worked for Tupac and Biggie.

After 4 years of serving the public, the decision was made by head office that I couldn’t do what I do best, alone. 6 months later, I’m still making 3-5 cents a DAY from advertising on tommyv2.com. I am literally fucking unstoppable! It was a sad moment, though, saying goodbye to all those haters and assholes who are upset that I talked so badly about Friends and Adam Sandler.

Best Drinking Moment of 2008

Every single beer

That’s a lot of trophies to hand out, but it’s worth it.

[Zor: I'll drink to that! Here's an extra special mention to Lucky Light, in cans. Magical stuff. Goes down easier than your ex.]

I’ll drink to that!

[Zor: We should make the trophies beers. Full ones. Cold, full ones.]

Best. Award. Ceremony. Ever.

We’ll see what 2009 brings, but so far, so good…