the Tommy|Zor era

…and we continue!

5) Living up to someone’ s expectations (especially parents)

It’s a hell of a thing to live up to someone’s expectations or dreams. With being a child, the pressure is usually on the first or only child to live up to the parents’ dreams. It’s great when you can finally look your father in the eyes and say, “Yes, dad, I totally fucked that redhead girl.”

If you’re a semi-star in school, teachers might have expectations for you as well. All through school I was supposed to be some sort of scientist. Since that son of a bitch Bill Nye beat me to it by 10 years, I turned to my second passion - writing. Well Ms. Kennedy - how you like me now? My shit gets read by millions thousands hundreds dozens the Yahoo Search robot and I make several dollars a year doing it. I’ve lived up to your expectations and then some! Come celebrate, and bring beer. Or, whatever it is that women drink these days.

4a) Banging someone who loves you

I could’ve said “losing your virginity” as a great feeling, but to so many it’s not that big a deal. To some, it doesn’t even work out well the first time at all. I’ll just say it’s great to gently nail someone you care for. That look in their eyes, that feeling of acceptance, that warmth, the fact you don’t have to pay them money after…it’s all so magical. At the time, you don’t think it could ever get better, until…

4b) Banging someone who hates you

…until that special day comes when revenge is a dish best served sloppy. Having someone ruin your life, torment you, make you feel thhhhhhhhiiiiiiiis small (you have to imagine me doing that pinched finger thing), take your money, take your self-esteem, huge comma seperated list here, etc. The first time you nail someone who has it out for you is just solid. Knowing that someone that wouldn’t piss on you to put out a fire, but yet somehow you’ve inserted your bodyparts into theirs - well, what more do I have to explain? If being bad is more fun than being good, then nailing someone who hates you is self-love of the best kind. I never knew “fuck me hard, but don’t you dare kiss me…” could ever sound so romantic.

3) Winning the lottery

Easily the most popular fantasy concept of all time, winning the lottery is probably the greatest feeling anyone could ever experience. “Who wants to be a millionaire?” Everyone except billionaires, retard! However, winning the lottery is sweetest when it’s part of a rags-to-riches story. The lowly janitor, the bitchy Tim Horton’s server, the disabled church-goer, whatever. Mowing someone’s lawn to all of a sudden owning several small islands…fucking movie stars when you’re used to fucking your cousin…eating Dominoes pizza when you’re used to bread sticks with cheese sauce; you get the picture. Oh, and who doesn’t want to tell their boss to fuck off? Besides the Pope, I guess. If I ever won I’d buy a Lamborghini and go visit all my exes. It wouldn’t mean a thing except that I have a Lamborghini and I’m the same asshole I always was, except now I’m rolling in it.

2) REVENGE!

Someone’s ruined your car. Someone’s fucked up your relationship. Some dude just punched you in the face because he confused you with someone else. What more is there to say? It’s time to return the favour! There isn’t much better of a feeling on this planet than restoring balance to the world. It’s wrong, it’s evil, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t make us absurdly happy. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but I’d rather go straight and fuck up someone’s program for some sweet, sweet revenge.

1) Not having to wake up for anyone, anything

You know what I’m talking about. It’s 4:42am, and you wake up from sleeping to go take a whiz. You’re barely vertical, barely cohesive, the only feeling is “my crotch feels pressure.” You whiz, and walk back to bed. It’s all a little soft, fuzzy, out of focus. Your eyes cannot open, they are gravitationally sealed by the forces of nature. You see things through your eyelids. Did it even happen? Who knows. You walk back to your bedroom. It is dark, but you know how to get back, seemingly by sonar. You bed is still warm and still dented from your physique. You reposition yourself in the exact manner in which you woke up. Your left foot reaches the ideal, optimal position, although you are confident it’s not ergonomically correct. You are going back to sleep and you don’t have to wake up the next morning for any reason. You have approximately 37 seconds until you go back to perfect REM sleep, and those are the best 37 seconds of your life. You cannot be harmed, you cannot be more alive, you cannot be at a higher plane than you are right now. This is the pinnacle of human emotional and neurological satisfaction and you’ve just experienced it.

And so there you go, the complete 10 greatest feelings in life! Runners up include eating a Big Mac at 3am, puddle-splashing well-dressed pedestrians with your car, and feeding seagulls Pop Rocks candy.