the Tommy|Zor era

I am nothing if not an innovator. Anyone can review a movie – sure. I’m going to do something out of the ordinary. I’m going to review the first 38 minutes of The Girl Next Door, as these 38 minutes are amongst the best 38 minutes a man can possibly have watching a movie. What happens after these 38 minutes is not important, nor does it keep me up at night. One could easily say that this movie was meant to capture some of the American Pie audience, and that’s fine – it may be. However, the first 38 minutes of the movie are on a whole other level.

Why these 38 minutes are so amazing is something that is difficult to put into words, even for Tommy v2. As us guys get older from childhood, we interpret and respond to things differently. Our childhood energy, awe, curiosity, suspension of disbelief, emotional response – all these things metamorphose into distant, weak versions of themselves at the expense of our logic and experience. For something to come along and bring up such powerful, disturbing, and nostalgic and/our nauseous thoughts is always worth my critical review.

I can only speak for myself and a very brief segment of those in my age group, but my most ‘magical’ childhood movie was always The Neverending Story. It was the first movie I ever saw, the first time I had ever heard the English language, it was the first time I had ever even seen something that was “not real life.” That’s how being poor in a communist country was, and yet this movie took me somewhere else. Everything about it worked for me – the characters, the music (goddamn that opening theme song still gives me chills), the effects, the story, the whatever. It was perfect for me at the time.

Fast forward nearly 20 years, and an entire lifetime of a different culture that I had soaked up. Here I am – a whole new person, with only the DNA to prove I’m the same person I was when I was a child.

No movie has made me feel that sad, that in awe, in sheer despair, hurt, abused, and full of false hope like the first 38 minutes of The Girl Next Door.

I’m going to write this review for those of you who have already seen it. If you haven’t, you should. It should only take you 40 minutes if you know how to use your damn remote control.

My second-favourite Canadian sex kitten

I love fantasy in movies. It can take many forms, from being a superhero, to owning a gun, to fighting a unicorn with wings made of rainbows that smell like freshly-baked gingerbread cookies. One realm of fantasy that is largely untapped is the concept of not only a girl being perfect, but a girl being far, far beyond what you can possibly imagine. I can understand that there are men out there that have/got every girl they ever wanted, but to some of us, having a girl that is ‘extraordinary’ is just not possible. Pornography presents this concept with the most direct and obvious ways: Here is a girl that looks perfect, and she’ll do anything you ask. Twice. To many, this is a perfect female. There are no other things we need to complete this package, and that’s fine, for some. Those of us with a certain type of personality fall in love with someone very easily, and only see the positives in someone. They say that love is blind; to some of us it’s not even worth opening our eyes for. We imagine a girl being ‘perfect’ but we can never make it tangible enough to present to someone else’s imagination. We process so many feelings, yet for the idea to be relateable we need to show a certain degree of visual representation. It’s very difficult, but somehow this movie not only nails the mark, it does it with an uncanny degree of focus.

We all want a girl that will whisk us away to the limits of our joy, but our thoughts are often too grand. To achieve this feeling in a viewer when telling such a story, we need less rainbow unicorn and more white horse. The Girl Next Door does this, and it actually maximizes the medium it’s on. This could never be done in a book in words, it can never be done in a photo. It’s a kinetic, visual sequence of events that is the epitome of moviemaking. It’s the difference between reading about the Titanic in a magazine and watching it break in half and feeling the metal resonating in your bloodstream.

Timothy Olyphant kicks your ass like he always does, and he kicks it hard here

There are dozens, possibly hundreds of romantic comedies made over the years. Many of them present the ‘perfect guy’ character. With there being so many movies, surely you’ll hit the mark eventually and entertain the female viewer. The Girl Next Door does this with its characters by focusing on one specific type of male viewer – the nice guy. The way the main characters interact with each other is nothing short of staggering. Grown men have been known to weep at its significance. Elisha Cuthbert plays the role of a lifetime as Danielle, the girl who moves in beside the house of the main character, Matthew. The way she meets him, toys with him, seduces him, responds to his words and actions – it all left me broken, depressed and yet somehow elated. With our imaginations and their infinite ability to ‘make shit up’, never have we played out a romance like this. That gravitational force that is falling in love is presented in the most absurd, profound and debilitating way possible.

You see Danielle in these scenes and it actually triggers an emotional response. The way she looks at Matthew, the way her eyes move, the slow, deliberate nature of her facial movements – all perfect. That scene when she’s waiting outside of school for him with her car – the lighting, the music, that moment of sheer panic in making a decision, that feeling of acceptance and being a worthwhile and desirable human being… That moment is inescapable, and you experience it for yourself. For just a few moments, you’re in love with her to the exact same extent as you were in love in your teenage years with that girl that got away. That same way you want to just touch someone for the sake of occupying the same geographical space as them. How can this happen? How can a movie, nay, moving pictures in sequence conjure up such a profound and complex feeling? I don’t know or care how, but it happens here. The way this feeling of bliss quickly turns into gut-wrenching heartbreak with a single mistake is entirely accurate and representative of how we all grow into adulthood. Layered in between these waves of depressing realism are moments of sheer bravado. The outdoor party scene when Matthew becomes a man and the following school hallway sequence have all been done before but never better. If there was ever a reason to stand up and clap when no one’s watching, this would be it. If my television were capable of such a thing, I would high-five it.

This is well past the 38 minutes so you don’t even need to see this part

When something great happens to a character on film, we can naturally jump to a jealousy or envy response. This movie, however possible, does not cause this. Despite the emotions it makes you feel, the images presented to do so are completely false. What you see on the screen is so magical, so unrealistic, so utterly and ridiculously absurd that it does nothing but make you smile. For these brief few moments you actually believe what you are seeing is not only real, but it’s happening to you. You are now 5 years old watching The Neverending Story, playing with your imaginary friend, going out for Halloween your first time, opening presents at Christmas, having an intense dream of diabolical composition, and drinking your first cola – all at the same time. The sequences in this movie are presented in such a way that will actually make you hate your life. Once that magic slightly wears off and you’re in that place between the movie and reality, you become very depressed. Why is there not such a girl? Why is such a girl not with me? This isn’t unobtainable, it’s just improbable! you tell yourself. You keep making excuses to yourself, all trying to piece together in your head what it is you feel will make this story come true. It won’t, and it can’t.

By the time the 38 minutes is over, you’ve experienced an entire teenage life. The soaring highs, the crushing lows, the drama, the ray of hope that is meaningless, the value of making a mistake, the regret of making said mistake. It is everything and it is nothing. I often watch these 38 minutes to restore my entire life back to normal from its normal level of frenzy. In the end all I understand is, “if something good happens to you, you will screw this up. Move on with your life.” It’s such an important lesson that more of us need to re-learn more often. The tagline from the movie is “Was the juice worth the squeeze?”

I believe I’ve answered that, and I’m no longer thirsty.

Here’s the trailer for the movie.