the Tommy|Zor era

Many people you know have strange, different, or just plain fuckin’ weird ways of thinking. Someone will blurt out a line, and you wonder how can someone come up with that in this context? With that horrible piece of grammar in tow, let me continue this on a new paragraph. I’m embarrassed already.

They say that abstract thinking is the difference between animals and humans, as supposedly only humans can have abstract thoughts. Robots certainly don’t do it, but you will see in sci-fi and cartoons that it’s the ultimate achievement in science. At this point I think it’d be easier to make a living creature think abstract, as opposed, to, say, a fucking toaster.

I mean, seriously, what the fuck is this bullshit?

Our society constantly preaches about “thinking outside the box.” They keep telling us to innovate and revolutionize, when half the stuff we really need rests in evolution and improvement. Anyone who’s been in a fancy Audi will tell you, “Holy crap, look at all the gizmos!” So many great features, amazing ideas – but yet no one can make a fucking car that doesn’t rust in a Canadian winter. I know, I know – they do it on purpose so they can sell you another car in 5 years. Sure. We have the technology to send people to the moon and back, we have a space station, and yet 40% of the time, my fucking toast comes out too light or too brown on the same settings, bread, temperature, humidity and elevation. I could pick other geographical factors but it wouldn’t help my bread any. Barometric pressure. Now I feel better.

I guess psychologists and psychiatrists have tests that help them understand people a little better. A word association test helps us gather insight into someone’s thought process. I wish someone would do it to me, I would show them a thing or two…

“Tom, please tell me the first word that comes into your head when you hear the following words.”
“You bet. Start anytime.”

“Blue.”
“Return to the Blue Lagoon, 1991. Directed by William Graham. That was so erotic as a kid. Did you know that Milla Jovovich is in that? Not many people know that.”

“Staples.”
“Formerly known as Business Depot in Canada.”

“One word answers, please…”
“Okay.”

“Apple.”
“Windows.”

“Pussy.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes.”
“Yeast.”

“Money.”
“Pussy.”

“Achievement.”
“B, A, B, A, up, down, B, A, left, right, B, A, then select and then start for the two player mode.”
“…?”

“Hero.”
“John Pizza Hut the third.”
“One word, please.”
“Domino’s.”

“Sky.”
“Blue.”

“Blue.”
“The original Blue Lagoon movie, 1980.”

“Butterfly.”
“Dyslexia.”

“Improvement.”
“Implants.”

“Erotic.”
“Robots.”

I’m not really sure what these tests prove. I mean, if someone’s taking those, are they really saying what they honestly think? If for every word all I could think of is ass-fucking a polar bear, I’m not sure I’d say that. If I won’t say it, what’s an average person going to say? “An average person won’t be thinking of ass-fucking a bear, polar or otherwise.” Fuck you.

UR DOING IT RONG

What I think is better, is to ask an articulate questions and demand a creative answer. A seemingly simple question, but how you answer it shows your inner workings. For example, the question is, “Name a situation when someone’s new presence would make your life worse on a practical but not personal level.” One could think of a million responses, ranging from tame ones such as “Someone new gets hired and is assigned my parking spot, causing me to walk a long distance to the door.” That is an emotional response, because to some degree, the feeling of being looked down upon based on your position and seniority would make one jealous and angry. Another answer that I think a common Joe would put out is, “A person shows up and I hate that motherfucker and I want him dead.” Also an invalid answer. How abstract an answer could you come up with before you resorted to putting in ninjas and aliens that shoot silly string?

I wish someone had a gun to my head and asked me, I’d wow that motherfucker with this:

“Name a situation when someone’s new presence would make your life worse on a practical BUT NOT personal level. Or die.”

“I love peanut butter more than anyone I know. I eat it constantly, all day, every day. Where I work, I’d say that 30% of the people eat peanut butter-based products throughout the day. I’d estimate that at any given 11 minute interval, you’re bound to walk in and see someone using peanut butter on something. If we had a new employee that was deathly allergic to peanuts, their existence around the office would make my life worse on a practical level, because everyone would have to change their eating habits. However, it would not stir the soul, so to speak.”

Here’s another great example of a question I would not want asked of me under pressure:

“Give the exact percentage of how much better Sprite is over 7-Up, the classic 80s blend of both.”
“Shit…I’m not sure. 28 percent. ”
“The correct answer was, “is in a bottle, can or fountain blend that I’m comparing?”
“Fuck.”

You use the image search for ‘Sprite’ innocently, and some of the results are just…appropriate.

I think people confuse abstractisms with non-sequiturs. Anyone can just make shit up that has nothing to do with anything, but some people come up with something that has everything to do with nothing. The ability to see shapes and design in a mess or mass is a unique human thought process that some people abuse, heavily. When I hear the sound of stampeding hooves, I think of zebras. It’s a possibility. Some people look up at the clouds and see rabbits, landmasses, faces. Me, I force myself to comprehend that the clouds are the main entity, and that the blue sky is the shapes I’m seeing. Ever force yourself to As a kid, I’d lay on the floor of a room and look up at the ceiling, trying to imagine if gravity was flipped outside down and I’d be walking on the ceilings. I always hated doorways, because you had to step over them to get into the other room. Staircases would be an amazing thing to traverse upside down I think. I spent a long time trying to pretend the house was upside down, but strangely I never worried about the toilet. I guess as a kid, you’re still capable of shitting anywhere. At this age, I’d rather die than shit uncomfortably. How am I going to make wetwipes if the sink’s on the ceiling?

Speaking of abusing abstractism, all one has to do is turn on the television and watch some cartoons. SpongeBob SquarePants. WHAT THE FUCK IS that? I couldn’t come up with that if you told me to make up something ridiculous and water-themed. I have no fucking clue as to who, why, what or how this was conceived. Hell, even if the show is possible, what about the name? THAT is insane. Even the InterCapped semi-pronoun CrAZ-y spelling bothers me.

This is fucking unacceptable

I can understand a Ninja Turtle, that’s pretty cool. Corporate meeting: “John, what’s the most non-ninja, pathetic, slow, bullshit animal you can think of?”

“A snail.”
“That’s not very marketable. They leave vagina slime everywhere, kids are going to make jokes in their teen years.”
“How about a turtle?”
“Fantastic.”
“And let’s make them love pizza and talk like surfers.”
“Genius.”
“How about a token black Turtle as well?”
“Fuck you. They’re all green.”
“Will they have ninja skills?”
“They will have mad ninja skills.”

As a child, I read Archie’s comics. I find Archie’s comics the anti-thesis of comic books in general. An entire series as realistic and mundane as possible, but wholesome and entertaining. Instead of super powers and villains, I was learning how to eat 15 hamburgers in one sitting while still staying 135 lbs (impossible), and how to capture the love interest of the two hottest girls in town by being the best, most honest, hardest-working and diligent person I could be (possible, although unlikely). Even the odd time the printing press messed up and some of the colours were off on the pages, I found that weird and it ruined my enjoyment of the comics. “Jughead being green. That’s crazy! A comic book character can’t be green.”

New vs. Old. What the shit have they done to the art? Good lord

I consider myself a pretty creative guy in my own right. I have (or at least had) a varied, vivid imagination. I still dream of fucking hot anime robots, driving a car underwater, hanging out with H.G. Wells, drinking Gummi Bear Juice, but I’m not sure I’d put myself in charge of making things up for a living. Most of my ideas are based in reality, or at least strange ways to pleasure myself. I could not invent SpongeBob SquarePants and I’m proud of that. Additionally, I could not invent something called “Blue Raspberry” and expect people to think it’s a real fruit.

You know, what, thought? I’m OK with just being me. I may not be able to reinvent the wheel, but I can sure find a way to lay it sideways and use it as a pillow, or as a table so your girlfriend can serve me dinner.

“Next word: Basement.”
“‘Father, please stop touching me!!!”
“Oh I’m so sorry. Did I conjure up bad childhood memories?”
“Oh, no, not at all! This was last week.”

Forget abstract, that’s just plain awesome