the Tommy|Zor era

It’s that time of year again, where people celebrate all that was well this year. Me, personally, I celebrate things every single night, mostly with beer, mostly alone.

2009 was a real mixed bag for me, mostly terrible. In those brief moments of glory, I definitely found time to appreciate the finer things in life. Such as…

Best Movie of the Year

500 Days of Summer

Hint: Summer is the girl’s name, not the season

Every time someone refers to this as a “romantic comedy”, I kick a puppy somewhere. I lovingly refer to it as “real life shit, and real life happens to be funny.”
After being recommended to me by everyone and their dog, I sat down to watch this, cringing and hoping no one was leading me astray.
90 minutes later I was thrilled. It wasn’t just fantastic, it was fantastic from the very first frame to the last. It’s so fucking expertly presented that it would be hard to hate it. If you haven’t seen it, go see if. If you have, make someone new watch it. It’s also the ultimate date movie, too. Well, besides group sex porn with a camcorder.

Runner Up: Taken

Worst Movie of the Year

Seriously, is this even remotely possible?

I had serious time choosing between The Day the Earth Stood Still and Terminator Salvation, and then I remembered Transformers 2!
Do I even have to say any more? It was terrible. Terrible as a movie, terrible as a sequel, terrible as a Michael Bay project (this is the first one I didn’t like). The whole thing looks like an ADHD look at toy robots fighting, with none of the fun that would make that appealing. It’s a confusing, blurry mess. I feel bad for Megan Fox, since her being in a gangbang porn would’ve been more respectful of her acting skills.
Side note: I still like Shia Labeouf and you can all go fuck yourselves, you hate-bandwagon jumping fools.

Hottest Woman of the Year

Kaley Cucuo

Yes, I just make categories that don’t even make any sense. That isn’t new.
Kaley is amazing. Hell, she’s so special that I can’t even spell her name right. It just feels wrong typing the letters in that sequence. Now, The Big Bang Theory sucks now, because of the following:
-Sheldon is ultra-neurotic and has poor social skills. WE FUCKING GET IT.
-Leonard got the woman of his dreams. BULLSHIT, THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.
-Raj and Howard are really fun and desperate. WE GET IT.
Now, the Penny character is fascinating, because she’s more than an idiot. She’s a loser. She has no ambition, no long-term goals, no financial stability, and she does her laundry all wrong.
Now, of course, the category is about the hottest woman of the year, and that’s how she got on here.
You know what else is weird? She’s not photogenic at all. I can never find a picture to do her justice. She’s very, very telegenic, though. I guess that’s why she’s on TV and not in magazines (and also because no one cares about her).

v2′s Personal moment of the Year

I can’t go into explicit detail [Zor edit: The hell you can't.] but let’s just say it involves being told to meet up with a complete stranger at Wal-Mart in the women’s shoes section to make “an exchange.” (aka a Kijiji Moment gone wrong) I was so freaked out that it was some sort of set up, that I went and picked up a can of Wasp Repellent as a weapon. I figured whatever kills wasps would probably hurt a person’s eyes, from at least 10 feet away.

[image not included]

A close second is seducing and naked-ifying a girl within 20 minutes of meeting her. That’s some, like, John Mayer shit right there. For a brief moment in time, I was a rock star. I was Brad Pitt in the mid 90s. I was a Backstreet Boy. Aww, hell, for a brief moment in time, I was Tommy v2.

A close third would be being denied service at an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant because I ordered too much. Excuse me, you fucking bitch?! Ordered too much?! I already agreed to pay for whatever I didn’t eat! Worse, you must’ve thought I’m a pig by looking at me! I’m only 19% bodyfat, you fucking whore!

A fourth would be going to Quebec to buy beer. Going to a different province to save a few bucks on shitty beer? That’s how I do.

Videogame of the Year

Uncharted 2

Just in case the game didn’t win enough awards, here’s one more.

Best Media Moment of the Year

Anything involving Tiger Woods

Nothing beats a good, responsible family man

Tiger Woods is amazing. He personally proved what I always feared: “If you could bang anyone you wanted to, you probably would.”

You see, I totally would if I were him. He didn’t just cheat on his wife. He was trying to stick his dick in every girl that had the guts to talk to him. That alone is why Tiger Woods is the real Barney Stinson. Suit up, Tiger, suit up.

Well, that’s it for this year. 2010′s already started off with a bang, so perhaps more will impress me. Well, I suppose that Tiger can also continue to bang other women, and that too, will impress me.

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