the Tommy|Zor era

As a man who worked retail more than he would like to remember (aka more than a single day), I am impressed by the daily stupidities of retail life. Being an employee can garner some real appreciation for such a horrible job. However, being a customer and listening to the shit come out of the mouths of other customers just makes me wonder how certain people are able to breed. Here are some of my favourites:

“I’m not sure what I’m looking for”
Why even step foot into the store? Do you have a general idea of what you want? Honestly, this is the year 2009. If you can’t take an entire five minutes of your time to do a little bit of research into something you want, then you deserve whatever you get. Hell, walking into a mattress store and saying you want a comfortable mattress is a better start than saying you have no idea.
A good retailer will ask questions, probe and try to narrow down your selection. A clever retailer who has just as much patience as I do with people will just point to a product and say, “this is what you need. You won’t have a clue what it does or why you need it, but you’ll still buy it anyway.” And that person will buy it, guaranteed.

“I bought these shoes over a year ago, took them biking during a thunderstorm last week and now they’re ruined. What can you do for me?”
Laugh. That’s what I would do for you… just laugh in your face. These kind of requests (and I’m sure there are millions like it) should be in the running for the Darwin awards. I’m just baffled that people would even consider making these requests. I hate to be the one to tell these people that the product isn’t defected, but rather the space between their ears. Could you imagine if I walked into a car dealership with the following:
“I bought this car a year ago and last week I side swiped it into a telephone pole. Can you give me another car to replace it?”
“Ummmm… why should we do that?”
“Because I bought the car from you and it’s your product.”
Yep – Darwin would be proud.

“Can I return this product? I don’t have a receipt.”
“Okay, how long ago did you purchase it from us?”
“Well, I didn’t buy it here.”
I just remember standing there at the counter of the store while this transpired and laughing my ass off! The sales clerk looked absolutely dumbfounded and I swore that this was part of a hidden cam bit for a TV spot. Take it to a pawn shop, sell it on ebay, kijiji, or throw it at whiny children, just save yourself the embarrassment of this situation.

“I’m going to have to think about it.”
This one just irks me more than anything. What is there to think about? A simple, “No, not interested but thanks for your time” will do the trick. Why lie, really? There is no maybe when it comes to retail: you buy or you don’t. As the saying goes in Boiler Room (one of the greatest movies of all time in case you didn’t know): “A sale is made on every call. You either sell the client or they sell you a reason why they don’t want to buy.” In no way am I suggesting that you should be impulsive about your purchases – far from it actually. Save the impulse purchases for the app store in iTunes because… shit… buying 300 apps at $0.99 a piece is such a great deal in the long run. Anyway, where was I? Right, you eliminate impulse buying if you actually did that whopping five minute research I was talking about earlier. Make a decision before going to the store whether you actually need it. Then, when you see it in person, buy it if it’s everything you want it to be or don’t buy it if it’s not.

Now that I think about it even further, impulse buying and buying shit you didn’t intend, need, or even want to buy is what keeps retailers in business, the economy moving and yourself in debt. Why would I ever want to be a detriment to such a beeautiful process?

Hold on, salespeople aren’t getting off the hook that easily. I’ve also been privy to and experienced some salespeople who deserve some honorable mentions.

“That’s a lot for flip flops.” (this is an homage to you retro fans of tommyv2)
Back in the day, I was rolling with a very good friend of mine who was on a quest for some Michael Jordan flip flops. We”ll call him Tommy v1. At the mall, we stroll into a store and see this really awesome pair of flip-flops. He tries them on, is all stoked and then she did the unbelievable:
“They’re nice…”
“But…?”
“That’s a lot for flip flops.”
She talked him out of buying the flip flops… for a day.
He came back the next day and his size was gone. He proceeded to another store to buy the pair and in the same stroke, got the salesperson fired. It was awesome. I’m still baffled by the whole ordeal. Your entire fucking job is to sell shit to people and you are handed a customer who wants one of your most expensive items. Had I been that salesperson, I would’ve sold him some socks, a watch and timeshares in Alaska to go along with the overpriced (but way awesome) flip flops.

“Wow, you’re pretty busy today.”
“Yeah, I’ve been here since 8am, by myself with no breaks and no lunch.”
Guess what? Nobody cares. We don’t know you and we don’t want to hear about your life problems. Not only have you made me uncomfortable, but you have made yourself seem like an ungrateful whiner. If you don’t like the job, but need it, suck it up while you’re there and look for opportunities on the side.

Pretending to hump the hot water dispenser while making my tea.
Well, it was actually fucking hilarious. That guy was awesome… and also hadn’t been laid in a very long time. Good for him – there’s someone who doesn’t take himself or his job very seriously. Really, it’s refreshing.

“If you were walking down the street wearing that, I’d look twice.”
I only have 3 things to say to this statement:
1. He’s got balls.
2. He’s trying waaaay too hard.
3. He’s got serious balls.
Oh, did I mention he was saying this to men as well? I challenge anyone to trump that line and get away with it.

In the end, retail boils down to some basic rules: know the rules of engagement before entering (aka store policies) and avoid contact with anybody but those that came with you. And ladies, when you’re walking down the street wearing nothing, only then will I look twice.