Put your trust in Doctor v2
Shockingly, many of you parade around with the idea that all is hopeless with your physical self. Consider this a public service announcement from me – I am here to help you. I’m like Dr. House, with but with a smaller dick and both legs functioning wonderfully.
I am going to provide you with some unknown and super-secret remedies to fix your woes. It’s possible that some of this knowledge has leaked out to the rest of the Internet first, but it’s all been complied here for your convenience.
Fatigue
Many of you suffer from fatigue. I’ve been known to suffer from it too, before I realized I was just tired from fucking my version of the Olsen twins, and furiously fapping to the real ones. A few physiological factors that come into play with fatigue are: iron intake, vitamin B6 levels, blood sugar levels, blood pressure, heart rate, oxygen content in the local air, and most importantly: if you’re even truly awake. You’d be surprised how many times I wasn’t even awake and was worried if I was OK. An easy test to figure out if you’re awake is to use a computer that has no Internet access. If you actually find a use for it, then you are awake. I have not found such a use.
Overweight/Obesity
Obesity is the #1 problem with me deciding if I find you attractive today’s world. In North America, specifically, where the food is good, cheap, and plentiful. Such a good motto, that my ex girlfriend used it as her personal slogan. Ways to help yourself lose weight are:
-Stop fucking eating, you fat pig
-Stop looking at skinnier, more attractive people and getting depressed and then eating, you fat pig
-If you’re going to exercise, don’t spend too much time doing it, or you’ll start to hate it and stop doing it completely. Then you’re back to eating for sport, you fat pig
I struggled with my weight for many years, and last year I lost 32lbs in a few months because I made a vow to make fun of people that weren’t like me. I haven’t gained any of that weight back, because I have not fallen back into the same bad habits I used to have. Like what, you ask? You got it. Eating like you, you fat pig.
Muscle pain
Muscle pain comes from the overexertion of muscles that are uncommonly used, or using common ones beyond their abilities. “Pain is weakness leaving the body” they say. Remember, only muscles hurt, not fat, so if you’re sore all over, every day, you’re doing something right. Keep it up! That’s why my head hurts.
Headaches
Headaches are caused by so many things. Blood pressure (both high and low), poisons, baseball injuries, bitchy girlfriends, marathons of Friends, etc. I have found a few cures that work every time:
-a 6 pack of your favorite brew
-a 12 pack of your favorite brew
-unconsciousness
Acne
This is a complex issue. There are some chemical reasons for acne besides genetic ones, so let’s go over them. Here’s a harsh example: Media and the pharmaceutical companies have now stated that chocolate does NOT give you pimples, despite the popular belief that it does. That is false. Science beats myth, bitches. Chocolate is high in both vitamin E and zinc. Zinc bolsters your immune system and improves white blood cell function, and what are zits? That’s right. Clumps of white blood cells working too well to combat the smallest of bacterial infections. The better your immune system, the worse your acne. That’s why when you’re very sick, your skin clears up. No mystery there. (I can see all the people having a moment of enlightenment now!). Then, vitamin E. This affects your skin’s moisture and oil secreting glands (stimulates them) so you produce more oil and clog your pores faster and more thoroughly. Yup. It’s really great for your skin if you happen to have great skin already. Otherwise, you’re making things worse. So, yes, chocolate gives you zits. As a personal anecdote, I am now acne-free. If I take Vitamin E supplements for a few days (high levels, mind you), I end up having a breakouts for days after. You can set your watch to it. Chemistry, it’s wonderful.
In case you’re wondering about the politics behind it, let me spell it out for you: The pharmaceutical companies tell you that chocolate is OK, because they want you to get zits. Their anti-acne products depends on it. In fact, by dispelling all food-related myths, they are totally winning. Check the foods you eat – things rich in zinc and vitamin E will cause you problems. Prove me wrong.
I bet you thought I was going to have a joke in this section. I do not. I suffered from bad acne growing up, and not one expert gave me any chemistry lessons, they just pushed bullshit products. I wish I was as smart then as I am now. Chemistry is all about pH levels on the skin. You need to use chemicals that prevent an environment for bacterial to live. That’s it. All those fancy medical antibiotics and creams are all bullshit – your bacteria get used to them and become immune, and you’re fucked. It makes it worse, and makes your body weaker for other issues. The only thing that works is:
-keeping your face frozen(not recommended, obviously, and impossible)
-benzoyl peroxide. The only chemical that actually changes the pH level of the skin that doesn’t allow bacteria to live. Period. The bacteria can’t get used to this chemical, because they’re too busy not existing. All medicines with this chemical WILL work. Try different brands, since they’re all formulated different and contain other chemicals that may or may not agree with your skin.
Poor eyesight
-open your eyes fully
-get corrective lenses
-turn on some lights
-you cannot give yourself LASIK surgery with a magnifying glass and a dollar store laser pointer. Don’t bother.
Poor hearing
-Sell your iPod. Those stock headphones will either make you deaf, or in my case, make me wish I was deaf
-Clean your ears with hydrogen peroxide. Any other way of cleaning your ears is unsafe, damaging, and bullshit. If you look at the shape of your ear canal, you’d see how it’s impossible to clean it in a physical way, so whatever method you’re using is a terrible, terrible idea. You need to go the chemical route. Hydrogen peroxide neutralizes and liquefies ear wax into a foam. Then you rinse them out. Voila. The ears of a trained professional, factory fresh. If you saw what was deep in your ears, you would probably get nauseous. You’d be surprised how incredible your hearing gets when it’s actually clean.
Dental Hygiene
-You’re not flossing. Admit it.
-Get an electric toothbrush
-If you work at a job that doesn’t have dental benefits, change jobs
-Chew mint gum, constantly. Never met a bimbo with bad breath
-Seriously, start flossing
-Get your wisdom teeth taken out, even if there aren’t any complications. The backs of them generally are impossible to get clean, keep clean and cause bad breath (with other complications like an infected area under the gum line, which you can’t do anything about). Since I got mine removed, my sex life has improved by approximately 6%.
So there you go, some handy tips to improve your health and general well-being. Next patient, please! I am now examining bewbs for medical research
You’d hardly need your widom teeth out if you could dislocate your jaw thus making it easier to reach those awkward bits at the back….
I don’t know if you’re trying to be funny or not. It’s not a case of opening the jaw wide enough, it’s that there simply isn’t any way to keep that area clean past the few minutes of brushing and flossing. The diameter of my toothbrush head is what, 8mm round? That gets any place you want, and that’s not the concern here. I’ve talking about the space between the wisdom tooth and actual gum line at the back of the jaw. It’s too small of a space to floss between, but bacteria and infection still live in there. It’s in an area you can’t even see, let alone clean. An X-ray shows this space created when a wisdom tooth grows up against the jaw bone and leaves a space from impacting it on the way up, even if the tooth comes out perfectly in the end. The only way to fix that space is to remove the tooth and let the gums fill in that space. All my wisdom teeth were in place with no issues, but the X-rays don’t lie. Just sayin’.
you really do like to hammer home your points!!
Chocolate isn’t terrible for acne. It probably has more to do with the milk in milk chocolate because of the hormones associated with glycemic products. You can eat dark chocolate and avoid milk chocolate instead if the acne is severe.
It’s not the zinc mineral or vitamin E is bad — these nutrients have antioxidant properties that actually improve the quality of skin. Acne is not the white blood cells killing the bacteria; acne is the bacteria! If the white blood cells didn’t do their job to fight your acne, you’d have some pretty bad skin infections. Vitamin E makes it less likely that your skin will scar from the acne straining your skin. Just don’t overdose or you’ll have worse problems than acne.
You are on to something: eating less processed foods is important to maintain clear skin.
Another good one that I don’t know the exact chemical science behind – stop drinking soda. Not only is it gross (imo) but it causes breakouts like a hot damn on a lot of people who don’t have perfect skin. One of the best things I’ve ever done is cut it out of my life, as have many other people I know.