the Tommy|Zor era

Flat Girls

v2: What do you mean, like Asian girls?

Zor: Not all Asian girls are flat. I mean, like, flat girls. It’s the new in thing.

v2: Guys claim they like flat ones because it almost exclusively means that a girl is relatively skinny. That’s what they really like, the skinny. If they could have a skinny one with a big rack, this wouldn’t even be a consideration.

Zor: True. My biggest pissoff are guys who claim “A handful is enough.” A handful of what? When she has trouble taking her shirt off because it gets stuck in her rack, that’s enough. If it reminds me of a bean bag taped to a wall…

v2: I also think that this is because guys fear, large, gross boobies. I mean, a big cleavage is always amazing, but your heart stops when you take off a girl’s bra for the first time. It goes from “Helllllo Nurse!” to “Welcome to the house of Pancakes” awfully quickly.

Zor: You are awful. I totally agree.

v2: So we’re in agreement, then. We all want skinny girls, with perfect, large racks.

Zor: Of course. Flat girls – overrated.

Pop Tarts

Zor: Pop Tarts. I don’t see the fascination. It’s a little jam between two sides of overly-dry pastry crust.

v2: You totally made that sound awesome. Mmm.

Zor: When they started getting the obscene flavours (“Chocolate fudge marshmallow with gummy bear sprinkles!“) I totally got out of the game.

v2: I hate how small and thin they are. If you put them in the toaster horizontally, ain’t no way you’re getting them out without electrocuting yourself.

Zor: What about Pilsbury Toaster Strudels?

v2: Fuck that noise. What’s the fascination with eating goddamn pastries for breakfast, anyway?

Zor: I know. Doesn’t go with the Sam Adams at all.

St. Patrick’s Day

Zor: Don’t even know why we celebrate this. Let’s check our lives of the saints, shall we? “He was about 16 when he was captured by Irish raiders and taken from his native Wales as a slave to Ireland, where he lived for six years before escaping and returning to his family. After entering the Church, he later returned to Ireland as a missionary in the north and west of the island.” So the guy was ENGLISH, converted Ireland and this has what to do with getting fucking plastered all day long?

v2: Not sure. Ever dated an Irish girl? They just love this shit. Green this, green that. I’m like, “baby…you gotta wash yourself, seriously.”

Zor: Oh, that’s my favourite. Especially the girls who scream “KISS ME! I’m 1/4 Irish!!” Are you kidding me? Really? Then I’m only 3/4 guilty when I run you over .

v2: My biggest problem with St. Patrick’s day is that everyone wants to just hang out and drink all day. All of a sudden, everyone’s doing what I do on a daily basis, and they want the credit for it. Maybe one day there’ll be a St. Thomas’ Day, where you sit around alone, drink, play Valkyria Chronicles, while you keep checking MSN to see if you got any messages but they never come.

Zor: I think I need a drink.

v2: Way ahead of you, pal.

Ringtones

v2: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I got the Metal Gear Solid codec noise as my ringtone. It’s the bee’s knees.

Zor: Thank god this fad has passed, mostly. In the mid 2000s, it was brutal. If you at the mall, it sounded like everyone was carrying a radio with them. What’s worse is people spend a gillion hours finding the “best” ringtone; that is, the ringtone that best exemplifies them to the world. Then when the phone rings, they rush like hell to pick it up. People – get a ringtone from the classical genre. I assure you, it’s non-offensive to everybody.

v2: I was more interested in getting the ringtone onto my phone than ever using it. I was doing some half-USB/half-Bluetooth ghetto-fabulous hacker bullshit just to hear the theme of Ghouls ‘n Ghosts when your sister called.

Zor: Well played.

v2: I haven’t even started with you yet, buddy. Check out this video that was sent to me not too long ago. What do you have to say for yourself, asshole?

Zor: Ummmm… fuck. Where the hell did you get that?

v2: You can only pretend to bash an iPhone for so long before a friend sells you out. Epic fail!

Skittles

v2: Listen, I can’t even get into this. I don’t think Skittles are overrated – I just plain hate them. Fruit-flavoured candy is the devil’s work.

Zor: The orange Skittles taste like soap. Don’t ask me how I know. The first time I ate one, I just knew that if soap had a taste in candy form, this would be it. It’s beyond me why girls obsess for this shit.

v2: Girls just love them. Why? If you’re gonna go the fruit route, why not Starburst, the reigning champion of chewy, dissolving fruit candy?

Zor: Pink Starburst is possibly the greatest fruit-flavoured candy ever. Probably because we call it pink flavour, as opposed to a real semblence of anything fruity. Remember, as a kid, the first time you tried Skittles? You tried Smarties and M&Ms first, and when you had a Skittle, it was the most disappointing thing ever.

v2: If I had to choose between a package of Skittles and eating a bag of Advils…

Zor: You haven’t felt any pain in years.

University

v2: I went to college.

Zor: I went to college and university.

v2: Well, aren’t you special? If you did university as well as you did college…

Zor: What do you mean?

v2: You know, playing Civilizations II all day long, interrupted by a game of Quake III here and there.

Zor: Better than the teacher who was forever playing Alpha Centuari. That guy was a real asshole.

v2: Honestly, I wouldn’t know. I was too distracted by your fucking mouse clicking when you installed Diablo 2.

Zor: Between the two, I’ll take college. If I really had to choose, I’d take an apprenticeship. What the hell does University train you for anyway? It’s just a bunch of over-zealous “worldly” people pushing their political agendas on each other, while striving for “higher learning.” Higher learning, my asshole! You don’t learn shit.

v2: Agreed. After a gillion years of being in school, you have proven that post-secondary education still can’t save you from being an idiot.

Zor: Hey, did you hear about Diablo 3? It’s too bad I won’t be in school to play it.

v2: Christ. Have another pint you fucking lush.

Bonus Beer Review

As promised in my beer article, I would post up any beer reviews you may have in any of my upcoming articles. These quick reviews come from Slotducks on our forums.

If you aren’t a member of our forums, what the hell are you waiting for?

James Ready 5.5: Niagra ish beer. 5.5% alcohol, thusly named.. A favorite around the Brock University Campus. Tastes like ass, and turns you into one. My one housemate has had over 40 24’s of it this school year alone.
Price: around 26$ a case.

Carling: Another Brock favorite. Carling or, “Uncle Carl” as one of my housemates like to Denote, is the patron favorite of the beer pong player. It’s a shitty beer for shitty price. 26$ a case.

Olde English 40 Oz: 5.40 for 40 ounces of malt liquor. God bless that night. 2 of those each got us all pretty fuckered, but when the morning came, 3 out of 4 people puked (I was the lone one out). Good cheap drunk.

Moosehead: Oh the glorious Green Bottled liquid of the gods. How I love thee.