the Tommy|Zor era

So I’m sitting there, playing Lillehammer ‘94 for Sega Genesis, when it dawns on me that everyone’s talking about the Olympics. What the hell? How did I miss that? When I think of summer, I think of June or July, not fucking mid-August. So this time the Summer Olympics are in Beijing, China. Perfect summer country, you know? Record-setting pollution, racist, xenophobic communist government, and it’s also where they make the PlayStation 3, as well as 93% of everything you own. God bless those fuckers.

Five rings to rule them all…wait…where’s the white ring, you racist fucks?

Oh yeah, and the Olympic logo…fucking stole Google’s colors! Bastards! (They also ripped off Audi as well, but I have no sympathy to the Germans who build half of their cars in Mexico.)

That’s cool, though, I hate Google. I use Hotbot, Altavista, Yahoo, Excite and sometimes I just guess the URLs for websites and searches, just so Google doesn’t get a single hit from me. Not a cent, you hear me? How can I trust a search engine that doesn’t rank pages based on what the ad company paid them? That’s unfair and unethical. See, now they’re even taking over my article. Arrrgh. Fuck you Google, fuck you in the neck.

Growing up being a track athlete, I have a background in summer sports. Wet t-shirt hosings, marathon car washes, beer runs, throwing rocks at raccoons, etc. Before all of that, I was actually a track star. I did long jump, hurdles, sprints and relay. I could tell you how fast I ran with some arbitrary numerical value, but what’s the fun in that? I’m so quick that when I turn the lights off in my room, I’m in bed before it gets dark. Shit yeah. I nail your sister at a similar pace.

I wish I could focus on what I was trying to say, but I’m too annoyed by athletes in general. I think what I was trying to say was that although I grew up athletic, my parents told me over and over that “using your body for physical means other than to hunt food or have heterosexual intercourse is silly.” Tru dat, dad. Tru dat.

What a fucking waste of money. Could’ve been the best.rollercoaster.ever

The Olympics are basically pretty stupid. You have a bunch of over-worked people spending 4 years practicing something that takes minutes or even seconds. In v2’s magical equation “degree of success = result/effort”, these people are the most useless ones around. What happened to talent, anyway? A real test of ability is to have them do things naturally. No practicing allowed. If I had to bang ugly girls all day long only to end with the hot chick at the end, that would be a waste - by the time I got to her I’d've lost my interest. Well, that and ugly girls give the best head. That barely has to do with anything, but I wanted to mention that ugly girls give great head. Hmm…maybe I’m thinking of fat girls, actually. I don’t recall getting head from an ugly chick, because that would be difficult for me. Anyway, yeah, Olympics - stupid.

The way I see it, there are only 4 sports in the world worth playing or watching:

Golf

Baseball

Wrestling (only the fake stuff, not that legit high school male grab-ass stuff)

Badminton

That just about covers it.

When I was a kid, I was infatuated with girls’ gymnastics in the Olympics, but looking back, I don’t know what I was thinking. Flat-chested, 4′11″, skinny 14-year-olds were all the rage, but now I find them quite disgusting. It’s all cool that a girl can put her legs behind her head [insert inappropriate thoughts here]  by being so flexible, but how does that help her make me dinner? Or defragment her goddamn laptop more than once a year?

Oh god how I loved her when I was a kid. Now she’s like 27 and can probably barely walk, although I won’t need her to walk much, giggity giggity

Being a Canadian, it’s cool to watch the Olympics and be an honorary American. When my team loses, I become American and win the gold, as usual. Sometimes I’m also Russian or Ukrainian. That’s no worse than all those Portuguese soccer fans that become all sorts of similar countries when Portugal loses (Portugal > Brazil > moon colony). I stop falling for it when they’re cheering for Iceland because a cousin of a friend lived there on student exchange for a short period in 1994.

The Olympics definitely start to bullshit when they have events like weightlifting. Weightlifting. Gimme a fucking break. How alpha-male bullshit is that? I can lift more shit above my head - please give me medals and government funding. I hope their parents are proud of them. Giving birth to what is essentially a living piece of factory equipment. Running and swimming I can understand, but lifting shit? Whatever. Then there’s that Michael Phelps guy - who gives a shit? Swimming is a survival skill, there’s no need to show off how fast you can survive. Another egotistic, masturbatory American athlete which inspires all sorts of young people to…umm…not drown slowly?

They should try to make things a little more interesting by mixing the two Olympics. They should have swimming events in the Winter Olympics in a half-frozen lake. You’d get all sorts of records made there. I would pay up to $3 Canadian to see a Jamaican guy swim in a slushy Canadian lake in late December. Forget world records, I want to see people suffer, for up to $3. Canadian. Who wouldn’t want to see someone downhill skiiing on grass? Now that’s competitive. To win you’d have to fall the whole way down, and you know someone’s up for that. For that I would pay up to $4.25, American.

It gets even worse when they make videogames out of the Olympics. Every event is either about pressing buttons as fast as you can, or hitting them at the right time. It’s a lot like every other game, now that I think about it. Fuck. Nevermind.

This is just regular stupid and offensive to me as a gamer (oh, and why the fuck would Sonic the Hedgehog lose in the running competitions?)

Sports (except the 4 listed above) and athletes are stupid. Competitive physical excersion is for suckers. I love big chested girls that look like they excercise but possibly don’t. Above the age of 18. Blonde. More than once every 4 years. I don’t have any medals, but I can offer some wood. For that I would pay up to $25 Icelandic dollars.