the Tommy|Zor era

Thanks to global warming (bullshit), it’s already felt like summer a few times here. Instinctively I pulled the fuses on my furnace and killed the pilot light until November. It felt like a good idea until last night, when I slept in single digits. Fucking dumbass.

Summer life is pretty much the best thing ever. I feel bad for those of you who live in nice climates, because you’ll never understand how the world changes in these months. Everyone becomes better looking, happier, sexier, and most importantly – easier to offend.

I knew I loved summer ever since I went to the beach with my parents as a kid. My dad knew his shit, because he would bring a pair of military-grade binoculars with us. He claimed it was for looking at “boats” and I really knew he meant “camel toes.” It was so awesome. I peered into those lenses of joy, and boobs ahoy! No one suspects an 8-year-old to be so attentive to big mams. They’d be wrong.

Then comes school. In the 6 weeks or so before summer vacation, every girl is wearing skirts and short shorts. This is much better as a kid, because at this point girls are mostly all #1 stunners. They’re not all pretty, but they’re hardly grotesque at this point. No cottage cheese, body hair, awkward tan lines, nothing. Just tubs of meat you can focus on. I feel like such a feminist pig, I really do.

With nice weather, everyone wants to play outside and be active. I remember always playing with all the kids in nice games of dodgeball (we have a variation here called Murder Ball, and it’s teh shiznit), baseball, soccer or just tag or some crap. The best is when girls played with us, and in enough numbers that we weren’t picking on them. I don’t know what was wrong with the rest of the boys, but I wanted to nail all the chicks myself. At that age, I would’ve had the energy to actually pull it off. Sure, nowadays all the girls are freaks, but I’m too old to do anything about it. I’ve fallen asleep whacking off, never mind trying to please some $10 whores.

I also remember when SPF8 sunscreen came out and we were all going hysterical. “Who could ever need an eight? This is fucking crazy!” I laughed at the sheltered white trash that could need such a product. I don’t remember any pale kids back then, either. In fact, there was no racism because we were all dark and looked the same! So yeah, SPF8+ causes racism. You heard it here first.

Did I mentioned tanned boobies? You know what I love? The counter culture of goths and vampires and shit. I have a friend who loves pale white girls. You know why? Because it’s like they’re fucking shut-ins! They make a basement dweller guy believe there are girls who only want to stay indoors. Man. What an unhealthy thought. Let me give you freaks all a message.

“When you see a pasty white booby, you see the blue veins and shit in it, and it looks like a ball of dough and it looks sickly. If that girl went outside, she’d be all lovely in colour and more attractive.” Thanks, that is all. Freaks.

Now, people in England will appreciate my next point. Convertibles. No one buys more convertibles than the English. Convertibles are the best summer toy. Well, besides your sister, anyway.

For us Canadians, summer means something else – saving goddamn money. Your monthly heating bill drops from $167 to $52, and it means you have more money for the next great summer thing:

Beer. Holy shit. To drink a beer outdoors after work is glory in the highest. Americans got it even better because they can drink outdoors, ever, but here we can’t except on our own private property. Whatever. A ice-cold beer after a day at the beach spent looking at insecure college girls is better than a hug from mom.

I remember, back when I was actually cool and had friends, we’d go places in the summer. You could stay outside all night, with no chances of freezing to death because you got lost. That’s a real bonus when you go out of town and drink so much that you start biting on the tops of the bottles. Admit it – you’ve done it.

Did I mentioned tanned boobies yet?

I fucking love going to the drive-in movies. It’s so awesome. You bring your own snacks. That’s the best. Also, since it’s usually two movies (one great one, one shitty one) you can find ways to pass time inside a car during the bad movie. For example, change your oil, vaccum your car, play your music really loud. It’s all fair game besides that minivan full of brats watching you get a handjob from your slutty girlfriend during Shrek 5.

Swimming. Well, I’m not going to talk about swimming. It’s pretty gay. Swimming is a survival skill, not entertainment. If you want to see the only good thing about swimming, rent that “Into the Blue” movie and call it a day. Also, “Blue Crush” is acceptable.

Speaking of movies, summer is big movie season. Generally the most exciting movies come out in the summer months. Going the movies is social and fun, and they also have A/C, which is nice, when you’re as fucking cheap as I am.

There’s got to be a few downfalls to summer, too, and I’ll list them for you:

-Bugs. FUCK ME. Every morning in February when it’s too cold to start your car, I rejoice that there are no bugs anywhere. Totally worth it.
-Showering more than once a day sometimes. Bummer. Fucks up your entire laundry routine.
-People that wear clothing inappropriate to their body. Enough said. OK, I’ll say some more. That fucking ginormous bitch that goes to Wal-Mart wearing a fucking moo-moo and causing specific sweat stains. Fuck my life. That is terrible.
-Gas prices. I swear they double every summer, just when I bust out my summer car that needs premium gas.
-Candy melts outside. Sucks. Also, insects.
-Beer gets warm outside on its own. Bummer.
-Never mind the heating bill. Your cooling bill now exists and it rapes you, using your regret as lube.

So yeah, that’s it. Enjoy your summer. Oh, and bewbs.