the Tommy|Zor era

Well, it’s a new year. It can’t possibly be as good as last year, though. At the time of writing, last year seemed much longer than 2009.

I enjoy instant noodles. Part of the instructions on the lid read, “…remove lid, stir, ENJOY!” If I don’t like these noodles by enjoying them, I guess I’m doing it wrong. Luckily, there are 3 people on this planet that do not enjoy instant noodles, and I’m not one of them. I don’t like how Costco bundles them together, though. Like 12 chicken and 6 beef. That’s wrong. At least make them even. Everyone loves the beef one more, it’s even saltier. Brown beats yellow, every time. Just ask a janitor.

I just saw that movie, Revolutionary Road. I was under the impression that he died on the night of the Titanic crash, but I guess not. Now, he seems to fight with his wife a lot, and she seems bitchier than when she was on the boat. Buddy, it wasn’t worth it. Next time you’re off the boat, just sink. Oh yeah, and that rich bitch from the Titanic is now their real estate agent. How the mighty have fallen! It is nice to see someone work for their cash, however.

Next time you’re at a friend’s house, replace the content of their sugar bowl with salt. It’ll only work once, but what an amazing thing to watch. If you can get them to bake something without tasting the batter (this is getting elaborate, I know), it is probably the most amazing expression you’ll see on a person’s face. To add to the effect, offer to eat a piece of their pastry first and pretend to enjoy it. Let them serve it to guests.

Girls who talk a lot (aka can’t shut the fuck up) always have the freshest breath. It’s perfect. Put on your walkman headphones, and prepare for a minty fresh dick afterwards. That’s not very meta, but it is very enjoyable. Put on some Portishead (pun now intended that I see it) you’ll feel like you’re doing something artistic.

Have you ever seen a tea kettle in the freezer? What a great way to freak out a drunk friend. It won’t sink in right away, but when it does…

My parents used to have this fancy multicolored bath salt. It was in a nice bottle, far too nice to actually use, so it remained an ornament on the shelf. On day, I was taking the dust off it, and on one side there was a nutritional information label. I don’t know what’s worse – eating the colored sand salt, or drinking your bath water?

I can’t get over when I’m grocery shopping and I run into those small jars of herring fish. Cut up pieces of this fish, in a clear jar, soaking in some lighter fluid (I guess). You can see the scales and everything. It looks like some sick joke, like a dead bird in your mailbox (a classic where I live).

One of my New Years Resolutions is to remember what they are.

Ever been to an all-girls dormitory, gone into the bathroom, and seen a plunger beside the toilet? Ladies, please don’t ruin this for me.  If you really do poop rainbows and sunshine, there shouldn’t be so much as to cause a block. Sick.

On opening weekend, the Jennifer Anniston movie made more money than the Brad Pitt movie. Ha.

Why is a blow dryer louder than a car?

The other day I saw a train with a turn signal on it. For almost a full second, I found nothing wrong with that.

The other day, I thought I had a headache, so I took some Advil. I’m not sure if I had a headache, but either I didn’t or the Advil was working. For a person with low self-confidence, it’s a real pick-me-up.

I wish binders always remained square so you could stack them, even when empty. Then I realized that’s called a notebook, and then I shut the hell up.

I was looking at a North American maps GPS unit the other day. I stopped when I saw “Made in USA” because it probably wouldn’t know where Canada was or that it’s supposed to work in Alaska and Hawaii.

I saw a cute Asian girl the other day. I approached her, and started inspecting her body. “What are you doing?” she asked. I couldn’t exactly tell her, but I was looking for the little sticker that said “Made in China.” They are often poorly built, using the cheapest materials. I didn’t want to break the poor thing until I found my receipt.

If you ever catch your girlfriend/wife having a soak in the bath tub and she’s napping, or the lights are low, add a few squirts of blue food colouring to the bath without her knowing. It’s right up there with sticking Jolly Ranchers in someone’s showerhead as far as pranks go.

I was looking at a sponge, and then thought to myself, “Based on size, a good paper towel soaks up much more water. That means that paper is more effective than foam.” I started to assemble my own sponge made out of paper. I present to you…a piece of a 2×4. It’s fucking terrible.

I can’t believe it’s 2009 already. I mean, it seems like just yesterday, I bought my first car. I should probably get a new calendar, though, since 2001 art is starting to be out of fashion.

I never write out funny quotes I read on the Internet, but once in a while I run into one that is so wonderful I must share it. “I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the passengers in his car.”

I have seriously considered buying another microwave (a second one) just for making popcorn. I can’t ruin my current one, because once you pop a single bag, it stinks in there forever. Right now I can heat anything and it’ll taste perfect. Seriously considering it.

I can’t believe how much I enjoy regular Cheerios. Even the name invokes a positive result. Beats that time I ate Tasteslikeshitios.

I recently bought myself the ultimate lawn mower. You use this thing, and the grass stays short for a long, long time.  Surprisingly, for the quality and usefulness of it, it was fairly cheap. In fact, it’s the same thing I use in the winter – a bag of salt.

My optometrist wears glasses. I bet 99% of them do. It makes sense, I guess, working on something that personally affects you. If that’s the case, I would never want to kick a male Gynecologist’s crotch.

For a while now, I’ve been buying my beer weaker and weaker, until the point where I’m trying to get drunk and it’s just plain not working. The light beers save me calories, until I eat 3 bowls of Cheetos to go along with them. I’m doing it all wrong. Today I got some nasty strong beer and I fully expect to not remember writing this paragraph.

Just as a joke, I wish some Asian kids would make winter gloves with six finger holes. If a single person in the world feels inadequate because they don’t have enough fingers, then what a glorious prank. At what point would people just start jamming in two hands into one glove to try to keep up with the nonsense I come up with? 11 finger holes. Suck on that. Wait. 21 finger holes (damn toes). No, wait, 22.

I have a palm tree-like plant in my front yard. It’s green and perfect. It’s also below freezing outside and it’s covered in ice for months now. There’s no reason for this thing to even exist, let alone be green and perfect. I’m sorry, that isn’t funny in the least, and it’s not even meta. I am, however, drunk.

My new washer has a cycle to wash itself on the inside. My fridge also has such a clever feature, called “air conditioning if you leave the door open.” I can’t believe the brochures leave that out in this day and age of consolidation and space-saving.

If you’re going to be a tree hugger and hug trees, make sure you’re not naked. Some bark on trees might hurt your cock. You heard it here first.

Don’t hug your poison ivy plants.

Don’t do it.

I’d like to meet the people that thought that ‘Blackberry” and “Wii” were great names for electronics. I’m not sure what I’d say if I did meet them, but I might tell them that they’re stupid.

I will never forget that day when me and the boys were riding our bikes as kids. That time I stuck in a tree branch into their front spokes was a moment of grandiose success. They have to be going pretty slow for it to work, but that’s perfect – you get to clearly see the look on their face when they become the first kid on the block to fly.

Fruit Roll-ups for oral sex. I invented that back in 1999 and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It’s the best idea you’ve heard in ages, and it actually makes girls want to give you head. Don’t forget who gave you that idea, OK?

I wish paper was black and you had to write everything with an eraser. That’s so stupid. What did they put in this bottle? It’s like liquid stupidity in cases of 24.

The word ‘troubleshooting’ sounds awfully American. Got trouble? Shoot it! I had to explain the punchline, in case any Americans were reading.

I hate the term ‘dark chocolate.’ It should be called darker chocolate. I hate when people think Vanilla is the opposite of chocolate. I’m pretty sure that concrete, or circular blocks of ice are the opposite of chocolate. Lava; maybe lava, too.

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