the Tommy|Zor era

Murphy’s Law states “Anything that can go wrong, will.” I wouldn’t want to be friends with Murphy, let me tell you. Sometimes I like to imagine all the things that would go wrong, just because they can. It’s a lot like my life, but even more depressing.

You’re walking down the street, and all of a sudden you get hit by a bus. The bus is made out of Murphy’s Law, and it also kills your family hundreds of miles away. That’s bad shit, right there. Unlikely, but it wouldn’t surprise me based on how my life has been thus far.

When I pick out new piece of Ikea furniture from the stack of 44 possible ones, I always pick the box that has slightly damaged parts inside. Without fail. If I would’ve picked the box that had external damage or footprints all over it, it would’ve been perfect inside. Nope, I just had to go for the one that looks pristine…

When it comes to anal sex, I consider myself lucky. Nothing gross has ever happened to me, and I expected some real horror stories to unfold in front of me. Nope, instead my mom always seems to call me and want to discuss my tuition payment schedule for 7 minutes while I look the girl in the eye and wonder why my life has come to this. Sadly, not for one second am I wondering what she’s thinking, nor do I care. God, I miss the year 2003.

I love starting the car to go to work, then worrying that I forgot to lock the house door, then locking the keys in the car while it’s running while I check the house door. So now I’m at home, outside, locked out, with both cell and house phone behind locked doors.

I eat toasted, shelled sunflower seeds endlessly until I bite into the one with a freshly roasted maggot. Just because it’s charred inside doensn’t mean I don’t know what it was.

If you get diarrhea exactly twice a year, it’s on the day of going to the amusement park, or a long boat ride. Every time.

When I go to a store with 5 minutes left and I need this one super-important item, it’ll never be in stock. In fact, it’ll be on back order, because no one needs a water control valve for the only toilet in their house this month.

At one point in my life, I had erectile dysfunction with a certain girlfriend. I could’ve used that problem every time I was in math class and had to write something on the board in front of the class. Those 15-year-olds sure grow some nice bewbs.

My Internet goes down just a few minutes each year. The exact minutes I’m having webcam sex with Korean wannabe pop stars. “Why aren’t you moving?!” I exclaim, as I notice my modem has one less light on than normal.

I’ve never once had a condom break during sex, until I’m having sex with someone that I would absolutely not want to have kids with. How do you tell someone that? “I don’t want my children to have you as their mother, you fucking bitch.”

I get reverse Murphy’s Law, but then it happens in reverse. Instead of getting a speeding ticket because I’m passing grandpa in a Buick, I get one for driving 10km/h over on an empty road, the one time I’m not in a hurry.

Power goes out. Everyone goes for the emergency flashlight. Too bad I already used those batteries for the ghetto blaster when I decided to rock out while I was washing the car outside in broad daylight.

When I finally got around to buying a carbon monoxide detector, they decide that now every gas can kill you and they make a much better device for $10 more. I might as well light all those gasses on fire so I get use out of my smoke detector, too.

When I was 4 years old, my mom told me time and time again, “Don’t touch the fucking clothes iron, it will burn your fucking hands.” No problem. I didn’t touch it, it fell on my hand.

I contemplated getting a magazine subscription for a magazine I loved for the longest time. In Canada, it’s really expensive to get magazines, so I finally went through with it after some soul-searching. My second issue was another magazine, because the one I ordered was cancelled. $77 for 11 issues of a magazine about trendy gadgets. Fuck.

I spent the extra money and got the greatest batteries in the known world. They lasted so long that they actually exploded in the device 17 months later from boredom. I went to go change them, and the entire device was ruined. Good investment that was.

I always make DVD-R backups of everything, constantly. For the really important stuff, I even double back-up. Perfect, then, the one day I needed to restore them the DVD drive failed. Yeah, it’s only $28 for a new one, but not at 3am when you need to send someone old pictures of your dick in an emergency.

I remember going on a camping trip as a kid, and we got a flat tire on the way there. Perfect, since we had a spare tire, but less perfect because we got another flat 10 minutes later. I guess I just wasn’t meant to sleep outdoors. Either that, or get raped by a bear.

I love peanut better more than life itself, so naturally I have to go the school where one kid is deathly allergic to it. The tragedy is that he wasn’t in my class, because I eat those crackers like a motherfucker and I did not like this kid.

I loved all the time I spent using black shoe polish to make my old boots like amazing. About as much as I enjoyed forgetting that I did it and wearing cream khakis with them and going to visit someone with white carpets.

In an effort to avoid big nipples, I started going for girls with small breasts. Go figure, they take their bra off, and what do I see? Small breasts. Fuck.

My furnace will break down in the middle of summer, and I won’t notice. I also won’t be able to take advantage of the rock-bottom summer prices of furnace replacement, but the money I saved will keep me warm. Eat that, Murphy.

I could go on all day, but with my luck, today’s the day the Internet gets formatted and I just wasted 1097 words telling how how shitty that is.