the Tommy|Zor era

I consider myself an accidental frequent movie watcher. I try to not watch them, but I keep doing it, and frequently. I hold a strange record of seeing more movies in theatre than at home, so I “contribute” to Hollywood despite enjoying a pirated movie or 30. Nothing gets me more excited than a well-imaged sequel to a franchise film, because it’s possible to outdo the original (I can only think of Terminator 2, Dark Knight, (possibly Empire Strikes Back, but that’s debatable)) but sometimes a sequel can just expand some ideas or go somewhere else entirely, in a good way.

Naturally, there is a dark side of movie sequels. That dark side that is horrible fucking sequels that should have never been made, shown, and paid for. There are hundreds of these fucking things, but some are just such a disgrace that I need to mention them to you. It’s possible that these movies aren’t even bad movies, but compared to the original they’re just such a shame. I do wish the following never happened, so let’s go…

Alien 3

All the other characters in this movie are rapists and murders. Are we supposed to hope they survive? Who wrote this shit?

Alien is one of the best horror movies ever made. Aliens is one of the best action movies ever made. 1993′s Alien 3 had a lot to live up to, and spectacularly fucking failed on every level. Everything about it was wrong and sucked. Everything. Shitty CGI instead of quality puppets and guys in suits? Check. Lame characters instead of people you care about and root for? Check. Killing of all the main characters from the previous movie for no reason? Check. Going against Alien canon just because they’re lazy? (A facehugger can only impregnate one creature before it dies, in this movie it does twice, for no reason other than they’re lazy and/or stupid) The worst thing of all is that it’s directed by David Fincher, who turned out to be one of the greatest directors alive. How does something like this happen? I don’t know, but it shouldn’t have. The end of Aliens was perfect, why fuck with that? Oh wait…

Alien Resurrection

Oh, it’s fucking bad

Holy shit. Take everything I said above, and quadruple it. This movie is awful in every way that counts. Highly overrated dickhead Joss Whedon wrote this piece of shit and it shows. The whole thing is like a Firefly/Serenity beta version of shit. Also, everything else is fucking garbage. Horrible fucking movie, it makes me mad just writing about it. Oh, and who cast Winona Ryder in this train wreck? I heard she took the role just “so she could brag to her kid brother that she was in an Alien movie.” Sorry, Winona, you were not in an Alien movie. The last good one was made in 1986 and you can go fuck yourself.

Terminator 3

Did the Terminator have to be female? An attractive female? Nonsense.

Terminator 3 wouldn’t be a bad movie if Terminator 1 and 2 didn’t exist. In the 12 years they had to make this sequel, the special effects got worse, the acting is shit (although Arnold is great as always), and the premise bothers me. I don’t care how great the upcoming Terminator Salvation movie will be, this series ended in 1991 with one of the best movies ever made.

American Psycho 2

Seriously, what the fuck is this shit?

Cult classic American Psycho, a thrilling black comedy and social satire about the egocentric and materialistic lifestyle of the 1980s starring Christian Bale (in his best acting role by far), somehow got a ‘sequel’ that is a teen slasher flick starring MILA KUNIS. Yes, that’s right, MEG GRIFFIN is in a movie sequel to American Psycho. Uh huh. I’m not even sure what to say. Did the cast even see the original? Obviously not. This makes me madder than Alien Resurrection, but not by much.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III

Yep, part of the appeal of Ninja Turtles was their…umm…travelling back in time? Oh brother.

Who made the Turtles look so disgusting in this movie? Why are they covered in those disgusting brown spots? The rubbery skin? What’s with the voices? What’s happening here? Hello? Is anyone out there? Turtles II was a lot of fun, actually, so naturally someone wanted to make this one multitudes worse. Did I say multitudes? I meant to say this is a fucking piece of shit.

Rambo: First Blood Part II

Passion of the Rambo

Did you see First Blood, the original Rambo movie? He kills one person, pretty much by accident. The idea was to survive being killed. It was a wonderful character study of post-traumatic stress disorder of a soldier living in a world that has no use for his skills. The sequel? Him going around killing people left, right and center just because. I don’t get it.

Predator 2

Add strobe effects to this picture and you’ve seen Predator 2

Predator is a great film. Tense, lots of action, mild horror, great setting. Predator 2 is none of these things. In fact, the one thing it is is fucking garbage. It’s so boring and nonsensical that there were times I had to make sure I was actually watching Predator 2 and not a high school Sony Handycam version of someone running around and flicking the lights on and off really quickly while making noises.

Matrix Revolutions

There is no spoon, and there should be no Matrix Revolutions

Proof that not everything can or should be a trilogy. There is EXACTLY ONE AWESOME PART IN THE WHOLE MOVIE. The part where they run on the ceiling shooting guns, upside down. That’s it. It’s like, 45 seconds. This is one of those times I walked out of the theatre wanting to hurt someone.

Basic Instinct 2

The whole movie takes place in this room. Really. That’s as hot as it gets.

Wow. The original is one sexy, sexy movie. In fact, beyond that, it was an interesting movie and wonderfully cheesy. Oh yeah, and you get to see Sharon Stone’s cooter. It was the first Hollywood movie I ever whacked off to as a child, so it has a special place in my pants heart. The sequel’s trailer makes it out to be the sexiest, most lovely sequel ever – until you realize that none of that actually made it into the final movie. Hot threesome action? Nope. Gratuitous nudity, constantly? Nope. Storyline? No. If you do really want to watch this, watch the pre-title opening sequence only. ONLY. The rest of the movie is a limp-dick tragedy with maybe 30 seconds of nudity. Seriously. This is Basic Instinct 2, and it’s cold enough to be on TV. Seriously!

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

You cocksucking CGI piece of fucking shit

2, maybe 2 words: Jar Jar Binks. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS??! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH STOP THE PAIN! I was there on opening day, and when the Lucasfilm and scrolling title sequence started, I had chills down my spine. I didn’t realize the chills would never stop, as I spent the next 2 hours holding back tears. Horrible. Taking everything that’s good about Star Wars, and then turning everything into a cartoon, and then laughing all the way to the bank. It’s sad, really. We didn’t wait this many years for this, did we?

The Ring Two

7 days…7 days…of CGI work wasted.

The Ring is one of my favourite movies in existence. There was no way that a sequel could ever live up to it. This one’s actually pretty good, except for one scene that ruins the entire movie. THE FUCKING DEERS ARE COMPUTER ANIMATED. Why? Seriously, fucking why is this? I know real deer wouldn’t be able to do that. Use puppets, robots, anything except fucking cartoon pieces of shit deer. Take that scene out, and it’s one of the best sequels ever! Ha. Assholes. That’s what you get.

X-Men: The Last Stand

Seriously, who the fuck is Jean Grey and why is she in every scene?

I love how the title has the word “last” in it, which actually makes me feel better. After the totally kick-ass X-Men 2, which did everything right, this is a terrible sequel. Killing all those people doesn’t make it cool or brave, and focusing on Jean Grey (Who? What the fuck is the point of her existence?) was such a misstep. It was so confusing, so messy and generally just not kick ass. This one just made me sad, because it just felt like someone spent millions to make me miserable.

Speed 2: Cruise Control

Oh you know it’s bad when Keanu fucking Reeves refuses to be in it

Seriously? Jesus. This isn’t even a bad movie (well, it kinda is, actually), but Speed was fucking awesome! This is not, and so fucking ridiculous that I couldn’t make up anything stupider if I tried. Well, except for…

Batman & Robin

Who thought that this could possibly suck? Oh wait, I did

This is an exercise in bad ideas, bad writing, bad acting, and a bad way to waste money. It’s a train wreck but it’s a train wreck that is filled with people you love and they were all on their way to your house to give you the password to a safe containing a bazillion dollars. It hurts that much. After seeing this, you couldn’t possibly think that a sequel could bring this franchise back to life, but it happened in a major way. Mind you, that doesn’t change the fact that this movie is awful on every level. If you paid to watch this, you deserve reparations from the organization responsible for greenlighting this piece of art. And by art I mean a total piece of shit.

Titanic 2: The Revenge of the Passengers in Economy Class

Budget cuts

I’m kidding. Although, I’m sure someone’s writing the screenplay as we speak. If there’s one movie that’s sequel-proof, it’s this one. But then again, they made Revolutionary Road, and that’s pretty fucking close…

Then again, a prequel is possible, showing the back-story of the engineer that made the design flaw that made it sink. You can show his tortured life and childhood, and how he came to be one of the I’m just going to shut the fuck up now. Seriously. You never know who’s reading this and has the power to make it happen…

Naturally, there are dozens more that are awful. I’m not going to mention Caddyshack II (with classy Roman numerals! w00t!), Blues Brothers 2000 (came out in 1998, huh?), and of course the 37 Friday the 13th movies. Saturday the 14th. Godfather Part III. Ugh. I can’t think about these anymore, or I’m going to remember things I really shouldn’t.

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