the Tommy|Zor era

I bought a new garbage can for my kitchen, one of those big chrome ones. One of the first things I threw into it was the box that the garbage can came in. That’s pretty fucking meta – I reversed the entire paradigm of the product’s existence. I was not only thinking outside the box, I put the box into the product and used that as a box, but changed cardboard to steel. Eat that, Jesus. v2’s back in the most profound, absurd way.

I have an empty freezer (the top part of my fridge, that is). I always open it to look for something (force of habit) but it’s empty. Every time I do that and I close it, the compressor kicks in and tries to cool it down. FUCK! Just by opening it, I changed all the cold air to warm air, and now it’s gonna cost me cash money for my freezer to fix my situation. I now need to BUY boxes of shit – that I might eat one day – just to fill it up so I don’t have any empty air in there to cool down. The frozen food stays frozen and acts as a cooler all by itself, lessening the need for the compressor to cool down my freezer. By buying that stuff, will I save money in the end? Maybe just a little food and don’t open it as much? My head hurts trying to graph this conundrum.

I have a sneaking suspicion that there are no raccoons around where I live anymore. I threw away the mostly-eaten remains of an entire roasted chicken into a garbage bag outside and they didn’t rip it to shreds overnight. Normally they shred my bags just to eat my tubes of toothpaste and boards with nails in them, but a still-warm roasted chicken, fully exposed in a bag that was barely tied up? I JUST PROVIDED YOU WITH THE FUCKING JACKPOT. How do these creatures survive, anyway? Once I caught one in my yard and turned the hose on him. In February. No doubt that son of a bitch died that night, but I’ll be damned if his friends can’t eat a donated chicken as an apology.

It always sounds like there’s someone walking around in my house at night. Always weird noises. I’m glad I’m not a kid anymore or I’d be freaked the fuck out. It’s too bad that one night that I do get a burglar, I’ll totally ignore him. He’ll fall down my stairs carrying my PlayStation and I’ll just lay there and smile. Getting used to something is such a relief. I had a cat for years, so weird noises at night never bothered me. Something warm (and possibly moist) touches me at night and I barely blink. Meh. Now that he’s dead and buried, should he come back to touch me at night and steal my PlayStation, I might feel differently.

Life is like a box of chocolates. Someone offers me one out of 27 different kinds, and I pick the orange creme one. FUCK YOU.

Without having cable or satellite, it’s possible that 50% or more of the images displayed on my television may be pornography. That sounds like a high number. Now, mind you, with a cracked satellite system, it might actually bring up the percentage. I wonder if there’s someone out there that’s trying to set that record.

Cheetos are fantastic. Don’t you forget that. You tend to ignore them as you get older. Don’t. The package states ‘dangerously cheesy!” Is that a threat, you son of a bitch cat? As a side note, don’t eat Cheetos while watching porn. You don’t want to try getting that orange off with the scour pad. Perhaps Cheetos should come with condoms for just such a purpose. Great ad campaign. “Are you hungry and horny? You’re in luck, because Chester the Cheetah is one clever motherfucker!”

Modern toilet paper is so soft that I feel guilty using it. Don’t worry, I still use it. It feels so much worse when you get used to the good stuff, then you’re forced to use some public washroom where you have to use that transparent recycled tracing paper. When it makes snapping noises when you crumple it, it won’t feel nice. My reference standard is that I will blow my nose while I’m on the can. If it’s the good stuff, it’s cool. If it’s the crap stuff, I get snot all over my hand. I have no idea while I’m telling you all of this. Oh yeah, my wang just barely fits into a toiler paper tube, that’s the reference standard girls use. I do know why I’m telling you that.

I was at the drug store the other day (not a euphemism for an empty parking lot) and I quickly compiled a list of things I’d be too ashamed to buy. It’s surprisingly short, especially considering that most of the girls that work there are young and hot, upping the embarrassment factor. It’s like buying 100-pack condoms at Costco just to brag, but in reverse.

-a portable urinal so I could piss while on the computer when I play World of Warcraft (I don’t play it and have never even seen that game in motion – seriously -  so don’t bother making a comment.)
-hemorrhoid cream
-condoms labeled “snug size”
-adult diapers
-Diet Coke

Coat hangers. In my lifetime, I’ve possibly used a coat hanger to hang, like, one coat ever, but I have used one to pull wires and unlock doors dozens of times. I should probably start calling it a new name to reflect its more useful nature.

I have hardwood floors underneath my carpets so I can impress people in both camps. If no one ever checks, I can start telling people I have marble and granite flooring in my bathroom and kitchen (under my $0.67/sq.f peel-and-stick tiles.) Suckers.

Only when I’m re-wiring my phone lines do people call me and fucking electrocute me. Friends that haven’t called me in months and don’t have my new number call me at 3am on a Wednesday in a clever attempt to kill me in the most, bar none, creative way ever.

“The customer is always right!” they say. They’ve obviously never tried to get a refund on a lottery ticket, then.

The size of cruise ships is fucking awe-inspiring. This boat is bigger than my high school, and it floats on water. These same people who take vacations on them are really amazed when they see a dimmer switch in a public place.

I was at the grocery store the other day, and I walked past a bin of some vegetable. It said “product of Ontario.” I was about to say “show me a fucking plant that can grow outside when it’s this fucking cold!!!” but then I realized I was looking at the bin of said plant and everything just got real meta all of a sudden.

I have no idea how a vacuum cleaner works. If you follow the hose you hold, it just goes into a bag. That’s it. The bag only has a hole for the hose and nothing else. How does it suck? What’s all that noise? Sounds like an ex-girlfriend, but in black.

They talk about people that are risk takers, in very bold ways – skydiving, deep-sea diving, fighting sharks. Forget all of that. I know a guy that would stop for gas on the way to a job interview. Why risk your car not starting again? Locking your keys in the car accidentally? What if there’s a robbery there and you’re a hostage or crucial witness? What if someone carjacks you while you’re pumping? That’s a risk taker.

Window cleaner is blue and windows are clear. Someone fucked that up. The paper towel you use comes out blue and you’re just loving how clean your windows are. The paper towel never stops being blue, do your windows? If whitening toothpaste was black, would you find that acceptable?

I’d say that most people trust their own mother. It’s like she made you, you know? It’s like taking your car to the dealership for warranty service. Unfortunately, I know some people that were bought used, just off lease.

I’m glad the guy who named oranges ‘oranges’ waited until they were ripe.

You know processed cheese? What the hell is unprocessed cheese? Milk. I guess. I’m not sure.

You know that backing paper that stickers come on? Nothing seems to stick to that. Why don’t they make cars or buildings out of that? Cooking pots. Knives. Dogs. Cats. Shoes.

I hate buying packing tape that says ‘ultimate omega hold super ultra strength’ and then it peels off the roll so easily. This shit won’t even stick to the back of itself, how can I trust it on my outgoing eBay package?

When you call someone, the ringing you hear doesn’t match the timing on theirs. I waited until the cell phone age just so I can call someone from my landline and hear it ring at their house, incorrectly timed. I had a horrible childhood until that moment came. I was almost a happy person until I realized that a cell phone adds 90-180ms of lag, so I may never know the truth. If you have two phone lines in your house and have identical phones, please let me come over.

I hate the computer keyboard. All those fucking F keys. F1 all the way to F12, or more. Eliminate them so we can make keyboards shorter and more compact. With the frequency the average person uses them, why not add an “F” key and then press that plus the number you want? For example, if if you want to press F12, all you have to do is press F, plus the 1…fuck, never mind.

There are 3 drinks better than chocolate milk:
3) get
2) the
1) fuck outta here

If Michael J. Fox is so concerned with his Parkinson’s disease, does it not stand to reason that he should go back in time before he got it and avoid it or something? He uses the time machine to “invent rock ‘n roll” or something but not for something so serious? Michael, please, your health is more important to all of us than you bringing out pop rock a few decades earlier. [Zor edit: v2, you are a fucking horrible human being.]

Christmas is so meta. You’re celebrating the birth of Santa Claus, and yet he’s always portrayed as an older man with a beard. And him distributing presents on his own birthday? I’m not sure how I feel about that. Seems pretty ignorant of us all.

Merry Christmas everyone!

-v2