the Tommy|Zor era

The best movie special effect in the entire world is having multiples of the same character on the screen. (ie: Multiplicity, key scenes in Last Action Hero, etc). It’s AMAZING and I still have no idea how they do it. Seeing someone interact with a copy of themselves is just the best thing ever. I think they still haven’t exploited it properly, and I can’t believe no one’s ever used it in porn. Like make an entire movie of same dude vs. same dude. I’d be totally entertained. Just imaged if they could have, like, Mary-Kate Olsen get with a girl that looks exactly like her, making out with her! Bam! Free money!

It’s the middle of June and I’m still finding Halloween candies packaged at stores. Or… are they just early this year?

I bought a new lawnmower and assembled it in my kitchen. I then put the blade on the lowest setting when I finished. I then looked at my carpeted living room and didn’t think of a single productive or destructive idea until weeks later. Sucks getting old.

So Wal-Mart has this sale on Ruffles chips. Naturally, I get a little excited and get ready to gain a few pounds until I realized that they have every flavour except sour cream & onion, the best Ruffles flavour in the free world. Sale my ass. That’s just bullshit. It’s only a sale if it’s something you actually want.

Cheapest ghetto hobby ever: Driving and parking near the drive-in movies, and just listening to the movie on the radio. I’d never admit to doing that.

The best thing about falling in love with someone new is blissfully wondering exactly how they’re going to fuck you over and break your heart. You’d be surprised just how few ways there actually are to do so.

I bought some Gatorade powder, telling myself that I was going to enjoy it every single time I was thirsty. It’s been nearly 4 months since I bought it and I still don’t own a jug to mix it in. Perhaps if the Gatorade gave me the energy, I could’ve went to the store and got a jug for it. Here’s to another six months of starting at the lightning bolt.

Where does a person buy used highlighters? The new ones I use are too juicy, and they always bleed through the page. I’m sick of colouring entire sheets of paper in neon yellow and orange first to dry them up a bit just so I can touch a document without going through half the stack with stains.

If you’re going to hide a key on your premises, but sure that that location isn’t a locked one with another key for that. One day someone will find that key and spend 5 hours in a labyrinth of 15 locked doors just so they can siphon gas from your lawn mower. At that point, I’d probably let them.

It seems that every email I send with the disclaimer “Please DO NOT reply if this email doesn’t apply to you” is useless. I can’t believe how many people respond with “I don’t think this applies to me. Is there anything I can do?” I mean, what the fuck? If you hate me, then come punch me or something. Don’t make that new email indicator light up like a fucking Christmas tree just because you can’t read.

Lately I’ve been emailing text messages to peoples’ cell phones from Gmail. That’s all so very meta. How long is it before I write something on a post-it note and just have them read it across the city instantly? I don’t know. That’s stupid. I miss calling telephones and not dialing my conversation.

I realized that I might actually be a combination of nerd and white trash this weekend. In this exact order, I did the following

• put in earplugs
• got totally drunk
• took off my shirt so I was topless
• put on winter gloves
• mowed the lawn

I kept hearing about tire blowouts and wished it would never happen to me. It finally did! While driving to work, my tire exploded. Big deal. I didn’t even realize it until I pulled into the lot and did my morning inspection. Hard to imagine those poor saps with SUVs whose tires blew on the highway off-ramp and killed everyone. Big deal.

Ever get so drunk that you ran out of beer, then you realized you had no beer, and you went to go get some, because you wanted to get drunk (but already were)? Me neither.

Days of owning a BBQ but no propane tank: 22. And counting.

Sometimes I invent things that already exist (because I don’t own them). The other day, I invented the ability to update Twitter by using your cell phone. Can you imagine? That would change everything. Now my stupid ideas would be posted 9 minutes earlier.

I’m going to make a door that has the door handle on opposite sides on each side. 50% of the time you watch someone either slam into the door or pull their shoulder out. It’s hard to believe no one’s thought of this yet.

I’ve read a few books and seen a lot of movies. I’ve heard a lot of stories. Nothing compares to the drunken ramblings of the homeless guy outside the bars. Forget religious parables, this guy looks like Jesus. It’s just a matter of time before he starts acting like Jesus. That’s right, he’s going to be a carpenter and build shit. Bet you didn’t see that coming.

If I had a time machine and went back in time to meet Jesus, do you think God would know that I’m from the future? I totally think I can outsmart a deity. It’s pretty easy when you’re smart enough to invent the time machine in the first place.

They say that laughter and smiling increases your lifespan. That explains why my old high school religion teacher should’ve been buried in 1998.

I would like to have an evening with a lesbian just once. Just spend all night talking dirty about girls and swapping stories. It wouldn’t take long before I realized I was with a girl and I was talking dirty and then I would jump her. She wouldn’t be into me, but that’s no different than any other date I’ve been on, really.

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