the Tommy|Zor era

I wish I could be in charge of writing directions and information on the gum packaging. It’d put some little blurb like “DO NOT CHEW EACH PIECE MORE THAN 44, 000 TIMES. THIS CAN RESULT IN PERMANENT DAMAGE TO YOUR [insert made up medical term here]” A person would read this after chewing this brand for weeks, and they’d start to panic.

I can’t believe how much global warming is affecting me. No, seriously, I can’t believe it.

The price of cheese has significantly went up where I shop. The price of milk has gone down. I’m not sure what the fuck is going on, but I can definitely say that it has something to do with 9/11.

It’s been years now, and people are still blaming shit on Hurricane Kartina. It’s perfect, they finally forgot about El Nino. I haven’t.

I grew up loving baseball a lot. In school we always played with a tennis ball, and it made the game significantly gentler. I wasn’t prepared for it, because the first time we used a hardball, I damn near broke my hand catching the ball. There’s nothing funny or meta about this, it’s just a cute story of my childhood. Oh yeah, and later on that day I jerked off in the bushes.

Today’s my birthday. Birthdays are significantly more fun when you’re younger. For instance, today I turn 27. Very soon I’m going to be 30, and then any semblance of fun will be replaced with miserable thoughts of aging and watching your parents die of old age, as you hold onto their hands watching them take their last breath. Happy Birthday!

My 8th birthday was amazing. I got Ninja Turtles action figures from my friends. Looking back, my parents were so fucking cheap. Those things were like $7.99 a piece, which is completely reasonable compared to the $3.99 box of Apple Cinnamon Cheerios that I went through every 3 days and shit out every 14 hours. Can’t believe I had to wait 4 years to get all the Turtles! Fuck. I really wanted to to have villains to fight against, but at age 16 I officially stopped trying to get them all.

Beer is made out of the same stuff bread is, so often I will eat lettuce, tomatoes and a piece of meat and drink it down with a tallboy. Sometimes it’s not as effective at 6am as you’d think.

I’m the guy that eats popsicles outside in the middle of a winter blizzard. There’s a moment of solace knowing you can take all the time in the world to eat it. It’s kind of satisfying, much in the same way as having sex with the prom queen for the first time when you’re both in your seventies.

A stapler, I find, is highly underused in today’s society. It’s a portable sewing machine, and it’s completely reversible, too.

I find myself getting strangely turned on when I go to a tanning salon. I lay there, naked, fantasizing about all the pretty girls that have laid in this spot, naked. I try not to get too immersed in this concept, as sometimes I have to go to the bathroom at a truck stop diner.

If I had the power to make anyone fall in love with me, marry me and give me half their money, sadly I’d choose some Arabian prince. It proves that my sexual preference is overruled by the compulsion to drive a Ferrari to my ex-girlfriend’s house just to prove a point.

I once put a lawn chair in my back yard and the universe imploded.

I don’t get the deal about English Muffins. I saw muffins in England, and they look like American muffins. That’s it. That’s the joke.

I think that jetskiing would be a lot more fun if water wasn’t flat. If there were hills made out of water, that would be great. In fact, I’d remove the engine, then just use gravity to go down the side of the water mountain. At this point, I’d just need a couple boards or something on my feet to do so. I’m gonna call it…non-jet skiing.

I hate that expression “carrot top” to describe a person with red hair. A carrot top is green. If anything, they should just call them pumpkin face and be done with. Wait – a carrot is exactly as orange as a pumpkin or an orange. I’ll be here all night, folks.

Cubicle walls are a great thing. They should really make cubicle ceilings, too. You’d be surrounded by cushy walls in every direction and it would be dark and shit. That would explain everything you see on CSI, 24, and ER. I’m glad everyone works in the dark, especially when looking for clues or re-attaching severed nerve endings.

No, seriously, why is a blow dryer louder than a car?

If you have very poor vision, and you use a mirror right up to your face to look at something behind you, why is it still blurry? Are you not focusing on the thing 6 inches in front of your eyes? Isn’t that the same thing as a small monitor, which is sharp at 6 inches? No person of science can explain that to me and it makes me mad.

What geometric shape, when rotated 360 degrees on a 2D plane will NOT make a circle? There’s only one. It’s so cool.

If my neighbor approached me and asked me if I wanted to pay for half of a new shared fence, I would feel terrible. I simply couldn’t justify spending half the money on something  that is half mine. That’s like paying 100% for something I didn’t want or need.

My favorite thing about a woman is her missing Y chromosome.

I love horizontal blinds. I’m going to make diagonal blinds for those of us who can’t make a choice.

I saw an ad for a washing machine that could wash 17 pairs of jeans at once. Ain’t no family on this fucking planet that would wash 17 pairs of jeans at once.  It is impossible to have that many in the hamper, or that 17 pairs are dirty at the same time. I should start advertising that my front door can withstand a direct impact by a cargo train.

Next time you feed your friends marshmallows, freeze them first. Absolutely hilarious when they break an incisor tooth because they didn’t expect you to read this site.

Perhaps they should call kidney beans something else because they’re not reflecting just how big a kidney really is. Last thing we want is a kid poking at someone’s backside with a fork. Actually, I would like to see that.

A power bar is false advertising when it’s not plugged in.

I don’t own a rake, but I do own a snow shovel. My Canadian priorities are completely straight. I also stir my Tim Horton’s with a hockey stick while I drool about Pamela Anderson cutting open bags of milk.

The way my mom made soup was that it resembled pasta with some broth in it. I prefer it this way, as it makes for a filling dish. Regular soup looks like mine after I ate all the noodles and left some bits and pieces in it to prove my spoon is sharp enough to cut wet dough. The idea of “Cream of Mushroom” disgusts me  – I once squeezed a mushroom and nothing fucking came out. I couldn’t imagine eating a whole bowl of that.

Instead of making cookies little flat biscuits, why not just throw all the dough into the oven and make like a whole loaf of that? This is why men don’t bake things – because our ideas are so good that they transcend existential reality.

I finally figured out how a vacuum cleaner works. It’s amazing. It explains why my idea of bags made out of metal foil was poorly though-out.

Could you imagine if all of a sudden someone invented a new shape that you didn’t think of, like a triangle with 4 corners or something? Before someone beats me to it, let’s call it a quadrangle. In math class, you’d now have to learn quadronometry and you’d have to buy all new rulers and shit.

Once upon a time there were no clocks or calendars so they didn’t use this expression.

I would like dogs a lot more if they could climb up tall trees. And stayed there.

I like the idea of lightsabers. I’m a big fan of incandescent bulbs myself, so my pretend fights with my friends weren’t as intense and epic as you’d expect.

In the elevator business, where you nowhere to go but up! LOL!!1! Or, you know, down.