the Tommy|Zor era

Admit it, you have told at least one lie in your life and you have also had at least several million lies told to you. While we all can’t stand compulsive liars and being lied to, sometimes lying can be a lot of fun. Before I get into how and why it can be fun, let me be clear about instances when lying should never be used:

To Cover Your Ass

You will get caught. Period. We all know the story: one lie turns into two lies to cover the first lie, which then turns into a million lies that make the situation a whole lot worse. In the end, you were better off telling the truth from the beginning. The only time you can ever get away with this is if nobody on the planet knows that you lied. Fat chance.

Embellish Details of a Story

There’s a difference between making a story exciting and flat out lying about the details of what happened. It becomes *very* obvious about what details you lied about. A clever person will ask you questions in a way that corner you in your lie and then you’re back to point number 1 listed above. Talk about the emotions you were going through while things were happening, don’t add events that didn’t happen and the story will come out spectacular.

Why You’re Late

If you’re late for something, you’re late. There were a million and five things you could have done to make sure you arrived on time. Trying to pull off the excuse that a million and six things were preventing you from doing so is just utter nonsense. When you show up late, just admit that you’re late and you have no excuse. If you’re compulsively late for everything (including your own funeral), I plead that you stop being so inconsiderate to others.

Okay, that’s out of the way. Now onto how lying can be used for the fun and entertainment of all. Next time you run into complete strangers (it could be on a train, at your local Starbucks, whatever) and you end up conversing, tell a good lie about yourself. Don’t go over the top and make sure you are knowledgeable about the lie you are going to tell and the conversation will be the most fun you’ll have all day. This works especially well for people who are way into themselves and only want to talk about how great they are and how much money they make (see previous article on conversations for further details).
Another instance to lie is when (again with people who you’ve never met and don’t plan on seeing again) someone is obviously lying to you and you play along with it. Just take it to the next level and really run with it and see where the person goes. They won’t back down and accuse you of lying because… well… that would mean they would have to admit to lying.
I recall a few days and nights when a good lie became the highlight of fun.

The Fake Background - I get invited out to the bar with a bunch of friends. One of the girls in the group is meeting a guy there and she wanted some friends to tag along just in case she needed to bail. Lo and behold, he brings a friend as well. We all sit together at the table and the guys start chatting it up. I’m keeping my mouth shut, mainly out of amusement. The two guys are going on about how great of a position they are in life, the one guy is a manager, etc (basically being good wingmen). Then they start asking us (very pretentiously) what we are studying in school.
There is an air of arrogance in their looks as everyone gives their major… until it gets to me. My turn comes, as does the lie;
“Oh…well… it’s kind of embarrassing.”
“C’mon man, it can’t be that bad.”
I shrug. “Nuclear Physics.”
These guys reel back and lose it!
“Oh man! I kid you not, as soon as you walked in the door I thought you were in astrophysics or some kind of crazy program. That’s crazy! You must be the only guy in your class who actually has a life.”
“Well, it’s a lot of work. I try to keep sane by going out every so often. Anyway, I don’t like to talk about school when I’m not there. It’s my night off.”
“For sure man! I understand. What are you drinking?”
Game, set, match.
Notes: This worked brilliantly because they knew as much about the program as I did. All it required was some false humility.

Lying to the Liar - Ever meet people who are compulsive liars? I’m talking, they lie about everything and exaggerate everything to the millionth degree. I went to school with one and people avoided her like the plague because they couldn’t stand her tall tales. I found them amusing and just took it to a whole new level.
I’m sitting down in the cafe on campus enjoying a coffee before class. She sits down and we begin chatting. I ask her about her history and she launches into this whole story about doing an undergrad in Germany in pharmaceuticals. I listen intently; knowing full well that very few 19 year olds who graduated high school only a year prior would have the time to finish a university degree in another continent. Did I also mention that she worked as a pharmacist for two years before starting school all over again in Canada?
It was time to rock the boat.
I pull a face that shows severe contemplation and deep thought.
“How did we not run into each other? I studied abroad for a year while you were there!” (I’ve never been to Europe)
“Well, I was at a private University outside of Berlin and didn’t get out. The university had a policy…” (can’t remember the rest)
“OH! I know the University you went to! As I recall, the campus was on lock down for half the year because of some crazy virus. What was that all about?”
I tried my hardest not to laugh my ass off while she spent the next twenty minutes telling me about the “virus” and how her friend “caught it,” but they were able to “cure it” very quickly.
Notes: This is a classic strategy to catch a person in a lie. When you know they’re lying, make up a detail about the event they are lying about. If they’re actually telling the truth, they’ll look at you funny and tell you it never happened and have no idea what you’re talking about. In this case, watching her lie to cover my lie was priceless. I never did tell her the truth and I’m sure she still shits herself trying to remember who she told what stories to.

The Harmless Big Lie - This one took place at the train station. This very nice couple was standing in front of me looking a little lost, a bit confused. I begin talking with them and they open up telling me about the big trip they’re about to go on and how excited they are about the whole adventure. Inevitably, the question arises:
“So what do you do?”
Normally, I’m very upfront about what I do. However, I was itching to have a bit of fun. So i changed it up… slightly.
“I”m an editor.”
“Oh really? Who for?”
“A publishing company who specializes in publishing new Canadian authors.”
They probed for details and I went on about how market trends dictate what types of books get published, how many wonderful new authors will never get the recognition they deserve and the politics of it all. They were quite impressed. As was I considering, you know, I don’t know a damn thing about publishing or being an editor. That’s why I write for this site.
Notes: I kept the details to a minimum, but it was still a lot of fun. This one is harmless because I’ll never run into them again. However, if I happen to meet up with them again sometime this life, I’m sure neither of us will have remembered each other. It’s safe, harmless and brings something new to the day.

The Bar Lie - No details needed here. Everybody lies about everything in a bar. I just recall a certain someone who used to go around telling everybody he was Patrick Bateman. I have to hand it to him, he even had the AmEx Plat to back it up.

I think you get the point. There’s a time and a place to tell a good lie. Now venture forth and have some fun and create some stories of your own. Just don’t get out of hand or someone will catch you.

Be Sociable, Share!

•