the Tommy|Zor era

One of my favorite things in the world is to isolate myself from common humanity, escaping the pressure to be like anyone else or follow in the footsteps of someone else’s mediocrity.

While it’s hard to pinpoint exactly when I come to these realizations, I do spend a fair bit of time studying and analyzing people around me. It helps me pick out everyone’s worst characteristics so I can add them to my repertoire of being annoying. So far, so good.

It boggles my mind how there are any mysteries left in the world. You know that Bermuda Triangle? How is that still a mystery? Send some fuckers down there with all the equipment in the world and figure out what the damn problem is. You just know that the answer lies in someone pulling out their $99 Garmin GPS and saying “Fuck it, I’m not lost.”

Man, cars other than Point-A-to-Point-B are fucking expensive. I can afford any car I want, unless I want a good one. I don’t know how people afford shit, honestly. Even a lease, which is economical, comes to $857 a month for a car I’d actually want. What the hell, man? That’s a shit load of money for something I don’t get to keep or abuse. I guess women work the same way, though, and the fun ones cost a fortune. Depending on who you ask, you don’t get to keep or abuse them, either.

Halloween and the candy that surrounds it keeps reminding me what I keep forgetting: Kit-Kats are amazing. Well, that’s not entirely true. Nestle Kit-Kats are amazing, Hershey Kit-Kats are merely so-so. That’s weird, since Hershey chocolate is generally good. Well, no, that’s a lie, too, since a Hershey Kiss is one of the most disgusting things ever, but say, a Hershey Bar is one of the best. I’m so confused. I’d make a compromise and have all the chocolate made by Cadbury. Show me a Cadbury Kit-Kat and I’ll show you it eaten.

No, seriously, why is a blow dryer louder than a car?

If you ever have a craving for steak, I suggest you follow it. A wicked big steak is like $5.28 at the grocery store.  That’s a great value to shut yourself up in a tasty way.

A girl will always offer to cook you dinner until you request a crown rack of lamb. At that point it’s amazing how fast she can order a pizza and sulk for the next three hours.

Today I was reading about a long-distance phone plan. It’s called the THE NORTH-AMERICA UNLIMITED PLAN. “The Unlimited Plan includes 1500 minutes.” I must be getting rusty in my English, because I thought the definition of unlimited was a little less, you know, fucking limited.

The other day, I thought a woman was more beautiful than a girl. I seriously have to renew my prescription soon.

I hate the expression “when push comes to shove.” What does that even mean? Shove is just a faster, more abrupt push, isn’t it?

Windows 7 is pretty amazing. We’re still a few years off until Windows 95, though. I assume that one is going to be amazing.

Why does only my winter car have the room to hold golf clubs? It seems like a cruel joke..

I can’t believe that in 2009 they still make wooden pencils. I mean, look at those fucking things – they seem so needlessly complicated. That’s got to be more expensive to make than a mechanical one. It’s also been about 10 years since I’ve seen a pencil sharpener. The only good ones were those shiny metal ones that hung on the wall, anyway. Everything else was a travesty. The less said about pencil crayons the better. I mean, has any human being ever finished an entire yellow pencil crayon? No, they have not. Unless you’re a compulsive sun drawer, or something. Or draw a lot of bananas, I guess.

I can’t wait until someone gives me money for no reason. No joke in there, sorry.

I can’t express my positivity for Kellogg’s Corn Flakes enough. I can never get the amount of milk right, and end up correcting myself over and over until I eat half a box in a sitting and empty half the bag of milk. Yes, that’s right, bag. Us people in Ontario are fucking geniuses.

I’m officially too old for concerts. I’ve now seen pretty much all my favorite bands, and none of them have impressed me. I mean, why the fuck aren’t they playing their songs correctly? The vocals always sound like shit, and all the cool parts of the music are stripped out in live performances. It’s hard to get excited for that now. Then again, when someone like Our Lady Peace plays, and it sounds identical to the CD, then I’m not sure I like that, either.

“Acquired taste” is another term for “fucking sucks.”

Now that I’m a Mac owner, I hate Apple even more than before. Go figure.

Yes, that’s right, I have an Apple laptop and a Dell MP3 player. How’s that for sticking it to the status quo?

Whatever is in Jolly Ranchers candy, it’s the opposite of what dentists would recommend. After 3 pieces, my mouth feels like it’s been gang-raped by Christmas ornaments made out of steel wool.

One of the best things about being a man is the ability to impress other men. I take in my car to have some work done, so the mechanic assumes I’m an idiot because I’m there. Joke’s on him, he’s working for me. By default that makes me smarter, since I’m not the idiot that just agreed to do an oil change for 15 dollars on a car that’s too low to get on the hoist without the assistance of someone else.

Daylight Savings Time is bullshit. Shift it by THIRTY MINUTES and leave the fucking thing alone forever, would ya? I can’t believe no one’s thought of that yet. Well, I did.

The hardest part of writing a novel is imaging the expression on your mother’s face when she reads a section that was clearly based on the writer’s life. “No way mom, I never once did that to your pillow!”

Looking back at pictures of every girl I’ve ever been with, there is one common thing they all shared: They’re all female. Oh, and my dick.