the Tommy|Zor era

It’s a little-known fact that I own the world’s longest not masturbating in X number of days record at a depressing, miserable, soul-crushing 93 days. I don’t want to brag about such a shameful thing, really. It’s stupid, not fun, boring and it actually turns you pretty psycho. Those child molesting hockey coaches? Ninety-seven days.

I did it because my then-girlfriend was away on a student exchange and I wanted to ’save myself’ for her. Joke’s on her, though, because when I did see her, she received about 44 days worth of DNA in her mouth. Why not all 93? I guess after a while you just have a wet dream to clean the pipes. I always wondered how in the fuck that’s ever going to happen to me with my frequent maintenance plan, and I had to induce it with this stupid test of mental strength.

Anyway, that’s the world record and don’t try to prove me wrong. I’d like to mention that this was 1999, I was 17, and I would never, ever, EVER try to beat this. Now if I make it past 3 days, I’d better be in a coma.

It’s been 23 days since I’ve been inside a Wal-Mart. This is huge. The first two weeks might have been accidental, but now it’s very conscious. I work right by one, and I live by another one. One that’s open 24 hours. I mean shit – how is someone supposed to buy an Xbox in the middle of the night besides from a drug user in need of cash?

Yep, they all look the same. Well, some have the star instead of the hyphen

I think I’m going through withdrawal. For one thing, you start to forget the type of people that inhabit the fine walls of Wal-Mart. Pun intended. Har. Without going there, how am I supposed to see proper white trash? Not just white trash, but fat, white trash moms. Those moms are the best. Size 500 jeans, a tank top, and brown curly hair. Maybe not curly, but definitely nice and shiny from that 5w-20 oil that emanates from their subcutaneous and hasn’t been washed off in 4 days. There they are, at 4am on a Wednesday buying Kraft Dinner, nail polish, a paper shredder, Grand Theft Auto for their 9-year-old, and tampons. Probably to eat. They’re not Twinkies, Kayleigh.

Shit, I’m Canadian, I’m not even supposed to know what a Twinkie is. Besides the one in my pants, natch.

Noo! I want to pay more. Always.

It’s hard to make fun of Wal-Mart customers without getting all clever and saying, “…but Tom! You‘re at Wal-Mart seeing these people. You are there!”  Hey shut the fuck up for real. I can make fun of white trash moms all I want, but they always have the hottest daughters. If not the hottest, then definitely the fattest. If not the fattest, then definitely the most pregnant. If not pregnant, then put down that McDonald’s…which is also inside Wal-Mart. Why not throw a Blockbuster Video in there while you’re at it? (that’s actually a good idea) Shit, what’s next? A bank, a place to get a haircut, an auto centre, a garden area? Ha.

Oooooohh j’yeaaaaaah Dr. Robotnik is sexay

Wal-Mart is all about the low prices… [cue Dane Cook loud voice of excitement] UNTIL YOU TRY TO BUY A FUCKING MUSIC CD! What’s up with that? Why $2-3 more than ghetto music stores? Or movie stores, whatever the fuck they are these days. Fucking Wal-Mart. I pay 37 cents for a pack of 200 lined sheets of paper, but I gotta dish out eighteen bucks for a Hannah Montana album. That’s fucking gar-bitch.

Where I live, Wal-Mart is about the closest place I can go visit America. Within minutes from my house, a whole new country! Aisles and aisles of snack foods, pop and poorly thought out ideas. Within these sacred walls I can see every nationality join together to save money and feed the economy. It’s like a fucking UN meeting without the old people. Oh wait, that would be the door greeter. Love that guy. So friendly. Just shoplift past him and he’ll give you a smiley face sticker. Awesome. Sometimes I’ll forget other races exist until I go to Wal-Mart. It sounds ignorant, but white trash now comes in black and yellow, too. Very cool. Very forward thinking.

Other than most of the people inside it, I rather like Wal-Mart and it actually bothers me how everyone’s so against it. I mean, it’s a fucking big store that has lots of stuff and good prices – get over it. It’s so trendy to hate giant corporations while you jerk off at Starbucks looking pictures of your art projects on your Mac. If you want to go somewhere to pay more money for soap and socks, that’s up to you. I’m not anti-corporations, I’m just anti white trash moms. They always smell like Hamburger Helper. It’s fucking sick. My mom told me women are supposed to smell like flowers, cookies and rainbows, but hamburger doesn’t seem to fit that in that realm.

Well, I’ll see if I can make it a little longer. I think I’m good until I run out of soap or shampoo, because I’m not paying 30% more somewhere else. I’m cheap. Come to think of it, I might need to go a little sooner than that. It’s the end of the month and people are cashing in their welfare cheque. I gotta get me some white trash daughter with an allowance…