the Tommy|Zor era

To: Microsoft
RE: Xbox 360 Console

I just wanted to bring a few things to your attention about your Xbox 360 console. Pardon my language, but at idle it sounds like a frozen cat being disemboweled. Why is that? Has no one tested this thing in the dark in silence? Fan noise from rushing air, I can deal with. Disc spinning noise (optional), I can deal with. That fucking sound the system fans make – holy fucking shit, man. It’s annoying. I guess you used a Dreamcast as your noise benchmark and just barely beat that. You disgust me.

To: Gillette
RE: Mach 3 Turbo razor

I just wanted to let you know that your product is excellent. It only cuts my balls when I’m in a hurry and the blade is dull. Oh, speaking of that – I’m onto your little tricks. I use the same blade for 4+ months. At the end of the day, it still cuts hair. Why do you sell 16-packs of blades at Costco, anyway? I might not even have facial hair in the future, especially if I keep taking these birth control pills my ex so cleverly left behind.

To: Taco Bell
RE: Menu

This is going to sound like a thinly-veiled complaint, but everything on your menu is excellent… until you go to the United States, that is. Where the fuck are the Fries Supreme at? No fries at all, seriously? Fries Supreme is the best thing ever, and you’re denying a whole country it? I never thought that being a Canadian would make me so patriotic to fake Mexican food.

To: Apple Computers
RE: Macbook

I just wanted to bring a few things to your attention about your polycarbonate Macbook product. I’m sure you heard all this before, but just in case you haven’t…

• The fucking trackpad button randomly clicks like an 1970s TV remote
• The palmrest joints crack from just, well… existing
• The screen is fucking shit, and has a viewing angle of a lenticular post card
• The back left corner of this thing gets so hot that I once used it to iron my dress shirt
• You made this thing heavy on purpose because some people think that heavy = quality
• The trackpad is too glossy, so if you have sweaty fingers (from watching Internet porn, let’s say)  your fingers skip and drag on the surface
• Speaking of Internet porn, once again I need to mention that the viewing angle of the screen is so bad that have to use one hand to keep adjusting the screen angle while the other hand

To: Microsoft
RE: Windows 95-7

How come in 14 years, the install time of any Windows OS takes a fixed amount of time? Windows XP always says “39 Minutes Remaining”, no matter how kickass the hardware is. That’s insane. Windows 7 installation is fast, but there are still moments where the hard drive is doing nothing. That’s wrong. The hard drive should always be grinding, and every core of the CPU should be running at 100%, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

To: Toblerone Corporation
RE: Toberlone bars

Toblerones are amazing. Just sayin’.

To: Nintendo of America
RE: Super NES console

I’d like to tell you that my 18-year-old(!) SNES console started turning yellow in certain spots. Alas, I hunted down one that was 14 years old and still looks perfect. You owe me some money for this transaction. Also, you owe me money for the controllers I broke when my friends beat me at Street Fighter II Turbo. Don’t bother trying to blame Capcom, because right on the fucking box is THE OFFICIAL NINTENDO SEAL OF QUALITY. Yes, that’s right, I”m calling you out.

To: Sega
RE: Dreamcast System and Sonic the Hedgehog

I just wanted to bring to your attention that you haven’t made a good Sonic game since November 1994. Also, your Dreamcast game console is overrated and very loud, and has the worst controller outside of an Atari Jaguar. Cord coming from the bottom? Are you mad? To prove a point, I sold all my games and used the system to scare off wild animals. Also, the logo brings in fat chicks who keep asking me where the Cinnabons are. Fuck you all.

To: Proctor & Gamble
RE: Ultra Cheer laundry detergent

In the mid-1990s, you made a lifetime customer with your Ultra Cheer product. In 2009, you lost a lifetime customer because you made Ultra Cheer stink so bad. I can’t even wear the clothes for two weeks until they air out. What the fuck is this shit?! How is it possible to cram this much fragrance into 30ml of fluid?! Assholes. Just to spite you, I will now buy another product made by your company, thus doing nothing negative to your bottom line. I hope you’ve learned something.

To: McDonald’s Corporation
RE: “McChicken” sandwiches

I just wanted to call you out on your false advertising in America. You sell something called a McChicken, but that thing is not a McChicken. In Canada, however, *that* is a McChicken. They’re not the same product. I knew something was up when it was 99 cents when the real thing costs 3 bucks. They have nothing in common. Yuck. The American McChicken tastes like something you’d buy at Burger King. Yes, I went there.

To: Kellogg’s Corporation
RE: Mini Wheats and Corn Flakes

Mini Wheats are amazing, as long as you get a good box. I find too much variance in the amount of frosting between the ones made here in Forest City versus the ones made in Toronto. Please sort that shit out. Corn Flakes, on the other hand, are perfect. There’s like, what, no ingredients other than corn in this? And yet it tastes 13x better than any store brand? Incredible feat of engineering if I say so myself.

To: Dell
RE: XPS410 desktop computer

I’m pretty happy with this thing, or at least I thought I was. I realized that 29 months into ownership, I’ve now swapped out every single part minus the case and power button. I’m not sure what that says about the product itself, but  I suppose I like it enough to stick with it. Oh, also, the tech support in Singapore is interesting. I had one guy tell me he was an exotic dancer. I’m pretty sure that’s not part of the script. Neither was the moaning or asking me if Canadian girls do anal, but that’s more my fault for bringing it up.