the Tommy|Zor era

[continued...]

You know how Wolverine’s super power is his healing ability? I guess that means that he never hurts his ears when he goes to rock concerts. Well, he hurts them, then they fix themselves. What an amazing, utterly spectacular power for a regular dude to have. I’m there, front row at the Crystal Method concert, licking the subwoofer (with my cock) and then next day – BAM! – my hearing is that of a newborn dog. By that token, Wolverine must have excellent hearing, because normally by his age he’s lost a lot of hearing, but his, I suppose, is still brand-new-in-box ***NO RESERVE!!!***

I bought new smoke detectors the other day. No, that’s not a device to find hot girls, nor flamers. I’m inspecting the package, and it says “Guaranteed for 10 years.” I mean, that’s a good thing. But then it says, “Replace in 2018.” That’s so fucking meta. I mean, I could have a fucking nine-year-old child by this time. Perhaps he’ll be the one that starts that fire. Ten years doesn’t seem like a long time until you quantify that date. I remember in grade 2 when we were writing in our journals, as a joke I put that date as November 23, 2000.” THE YEAR 2000. I showed everyone in class like I just discovered that poop is really chocolate. (It’s not, eh, don’t try it.) (I didn’t try it.) Then there were those appliance commercials touting warranties good UNTIL THE NEXT MILLENNIUM. Wow. I want that fridge. The next millennium, shit…I hope we still eat food then.

People are always reporting finding chicken heads in their nuggets or burger. How come no one ever finds feathers? That seems entirely possible and yet I can’t remember ever hearing that. Of all the animals, chicken is the least obvious when you buy it. When you buy a fish, sometimes it’s just a fucking fish, all shiny silver and shit, some even have buttons that sing when you push them. With a chicken, it’s always hairless, headless. You buy a package of boneless, skinless chicken breasts and that meat’s so perfect that it looks like tofu. How can anyone be homose vegan and find this offensive? Eat the damn chicken. Finger lickin’ good! Careful, though, some girls don’t like the way they taste, so don’t stick your fingers in their mouth after.

I remember going to a friend’s house once, and he had a dog. Specifically, a female dog. On her period. I’m sorry, but I saw this thing running around and bleeding drops onto the floor tiles. That’s so fucking meta – I’ve never, ever seen anything bleed while smiling and frolicking, and there it was. I completely forgot that female things even do that, and there it was. My sex drive dropped significantly, and I’m not even into animals.

Raisins are dried up grapes. Grapes in French are ‘raisins’. I guess the French are always late.

They say you gotta keep the blow dryer away from a full bathtub for safety reasons. That’s so very involved – you have to dunk your head in the water to wash, or even just wet your hair. If you operate a blow dryer as part of this sequence of events, it can’t be called an accidental death.

Remember in The Dark Knight, the Joker made some comment about gasoline and dynamite being cheap? Everyone laughed then because in the summer the gas prices were nuts. Well there you go, Heath Ledger isn’t just a good actor, he’s a prophet, too. I drove by a station today and it was 85 cents a litre. I remember paying $1.52 some time in July. That’s quite a difference, especially that I just spent over a hundred grand to buy a house so I can be closer to work to save on gas. Oops.

I can’t believe how much better broccoli tastes cooked vs. raw. Today I BBQed a cheesecake.

A car battery is one of the best inventions ever. So small, cheap, powerful and reliable. For what it does and the abuse it takes, it’s nearly perfect. I wish that same guy was still around to invent razor blades that lasted more than 6 shaves. All someone has to do is make a blade out of polycarbonate, quartz or unicorn horn and we’re all set.

It’s good that women don’t secrete the same hormones as men so they don’t stink as bad. Don’t get me wrong, a women can smell pretty foul, but generally it’s a non-issue. More importantly, us men find a hot, sweaty girl really attractive. It’s a good thing that vacuuming and cooking a roast is hard work.

Next time you’re over at someone’s house, stare at their analog wall clock and say, “Oh, man. Your clocks are all off. They’re all set to AM. You’d better fix that.” For a moment in time, you will see sheer panic on their faces. They’ll have a little moment of metaphysical goodness as they ponder the meaning of their existence until they realize you’re an asshole.

They say there’s a lot of sex on TV and the media. I disagree. There isn’t enough sex on TV. I’m much more offended every time I watch a comedy that’s not funny (Friends, That 70s Show, Jeopardy). As an experiment, watch the movie Showgirls in its entirety, then switch to regular TV. There is nothing bad on TV, ever. Shows that are violent and inappropriate for children (like The Shield) don’t feature any good boning. You either get sex or violence on TV, but the violence is always so much more explicit than the sex. I wish they made a show about sex that was graphic like House, or CSI. Every episode starts with a naked chick munching on her cousin’s carpet or something. Then the lead character makes some smart-ass comment before the title sequence rolls. “What’s your take on this, Alex?” “I’m not sure, but something about this crime scene sure smells fishy…” [cue title sequence]

Ever try biting on aluminum foil? It feels weird. I can’t believe that dumb college kids don’t use this idea more often as entertainment. I think that it’s because when you’re really drunk, you never get all meta and say, “Hey guys…ever try biting on aluminum foil? It feels weird.” It’s one of those things you forget about completely, like flossing.

I would say that for most of us, our first taste of alcohol might be mouthwash. That should be mandatory, because it would seriously prevent young people from drinking, ever. Mouthwash is fucking disgusting. That taste in your mouth after you spit it out is pretty much the same feeling as crushing your finger in a door frame, for the third time in a day. Very bad.

Carrots grow in the ground. You eat the buried part and cut off the leafy green part and toss it out. Perhaps we’re doing it wrong. I’m going to uproot a tree and feed the African children for weeks.

If you want to elicit an identical reaction from many strangers that is of anger and disgust, play your Game Boy during a quiet church mass. For added effect, play one of those weird Japanese import games that is about touching bi-curious teenage boys to gain special powers, and then eventually fight giant robots. They won’t know what you’re playing, but God will.

Chocolate bars are so meta when you really think about it. Cocoa beans, they should be called chocoa beans. What an amazing bean, to grow in rectangles like that.

Speaking strictly on size, whatever turns cucumbers turn into pickles, keep that stuff away from my dick, please.

I think the idea of athleticism and being sexy is directly from nature. Snails, turtles – slow and fat. Hummingbird, squirrel – fast and sexy. I swear I saw a girl the other day that was modeled after a walrus on sleeping pills.

Pianos have far too many keys. There’s no reason to have that many. Shit, they’re even 2-dimensional, some keys are on a different horizontal plane than others. That’s unnecessary. In fact, grand pianos are so fucking ridiculous. It’s over a thousand pounds, 8 feet long, and all for what? The same thing a $79 Casio can do? Whoever invented that was just showing off. Contrast this to the guy that invented the drum. Contrast that to a beatboxer.

“When I grow up, I wanna be a Toys R Us kid!” Great, now that I’m finally old enough to buy one of everything in the store, I don’t want a single thing. Well, I’ll buy some batteries. You never know when your bathroom clock will stop and fuck up your entire shower routine.

Frozen yogurt is not yogurt that’s been frozen. Don’t bother trying. You will be sadly disappointed. You’ll be muching on ice crystals and watery sludge. More importantly, frozen yogurt is cheaper at the same quantity. I remember learning that water expands as it freezes as a kid, then I started freezing everything to make it bigger. I thought I could simply made more of something by freezing it, like getting something for free. This idea came back into my subconscious later on in life, as I kept throwing snowballs at my ex-girlfriend’s boobs.

Windex doesn’t taste anything like a blue freezie, but there were 27 kids in my class that I had teach that to.

I can’t believe how popular the “blue raspberry” flavour is in candy. It’s not even a real fruit! Why didn’t they just make up a name? Did they think they’d fool parents into thinking this candy is healthy for their children because it’s a fucking fruit? I get a kick out of Kool-Aid. Yep, that’s real fruit flavour all right. Show me transparent banana powder that makes things bright yellow, and I’ll show you my toilet bowl and a bad idea.

If I was a supervillian and I had my own lair, I would make sure that the heating and cooling ducts were not very spacious.

I love watching 2.35:1 aspect widescreen movies with a girl, then then in the middle of the movie saying “Did you notice the black bars taking up all that space? Shit, it’s all I can focus on.” The girl just fucking snaps. “Why did you mention that?! That’s all I can look at now! Fuck!” It completely ruins the entire movie for them. Try it some time, it’s awesome. It’s like revenge for making you watch Mamma Mia! Their exclamation mark, not mine. I’m not that excited about it, unless it was proceeded with “You know what movie fucking sucks?! ____________!”

Ever turn your iPod sideways to give it the form factor of a cassette tape just for the sake of being retro? Wow.

A person once gave me a custom order sub for going to Subway. I asked about the first line, as it confused me. It said, 6″ R.B on whole wheat. I’m like, what the fuck is “R.B.”?

“Roast beef,” he says. “You know, R.B. Arrr Beee. Like Arbys, that’s why they call the restaurant that.”

I’ve never been the same since that moment.

[the same generation that steals movies and music on the Internet pays to listen to satellite radio]