the Tommy|Zor era

{continued…}

I hate people who sell shoes. Shoe salesmen? More importantly, ones that talk the science of feet, walking, and shoes related to such things. “This shoe has arch support, so it will help your low arches.”

“My what?” I ask, concerned. Apparently now my foot is malformed and it’s causing the electricity that flows to my spine to be incorrectly proportioned. I can’t stop thinking about the shape of my foot now, and every time I take a step I can feel the pain in my foot, knee, spine, head and soul. I just want to sit all day now and cry, because my foot is defective. That’s right up there when we learned about scoliosis in elementary school. “Some people’s spines are curved laterally, causing…” I just about fucking lost it. I couldn’t stop looking at people’s spines now. I followed every one from behind and tried to decide if their spine was perfectly straight. I refused to ever lean up against the wall, or raise one arm at a time, fearing permanent deformation. My spine would stay perfectly north-south for the next 10 years after that. I never even bent over ever again. Fuck you, scoliosis. Every time I see a girl at the strip bar lean to one side I yell, “Stop it! Don’t adjust the curvature! SCOLIOSIS!!! Please let me get my protractor and diagnose you!”

The bouncers don’t kick me out because they’re sure I’m a doctor, or at least a reasonable hand-drawn facsimile.

Everyone eats peanuts but no one knows what a peanut bush looks like. I have no clue what they look like before they’re “fresh roasted.” I could walk into a bush of these things and not imagine them on my sandwich later. Now how can something be fresh and roasted?  Pick a side.

Speaking of fresh, I hate how people misuse that word. They’re confusing it with “good.” I was watching a friend cook, and he’s like, “now I just add some fresh peppers.” What the fuck does that mean? Why would you use an old pepper? If it was a dried pepper, you’d call it that. The regular thing is called a pepper. Fresh should not describe what state it’s in. Fresh is the opposite of stale or rotten – please remember that. Fresh roasted? The opposite of frozen rotten. Subway – Eat Fresh. Fuck fresh, I’d rather eat warm. Pizza Hut – Eat Warm. African children -Eat Nothing.

It’s so fucking meta when you think about Halloween. Could you imagine if you came from a different culture and you came here on October 31st? You’d probably be very concerned about the well-being of your mental state and the general interest in pumpkins. Worse, perhaps the next day you would go door to door to try and collect vegetables and poultry. Some of these costumes are pretty scary, especially for old Polish grandmothers. I can see it now. “You dress like ghost, you dress like Lion, and zis little girl iz dressed like Vietnamese prostitute.”
“Mom, she’s a princess.”
“Maybe when she suck man’s stick of love.”

Vegetables are stupid. No protein. You eat and eat and eat and 35 minutes later you’re hungry. Good quality, FRESH vegetables are expensive. Show me a store that sells rotten ones, please. I should call them default vegetables. Ditto with pasta, that’s the worst. A big plate of pasta is well over 1000 calories (!) and an hour later you’re so fucking hungry. Get some leftovers, man, only 1000 more calories (!!). This is why people are so fat around here. (!!!) It’s all about protein, and that’s why I’m smarter than you. (!V)

You know what else is meta? Battery size names. AA, AAA, AAAA. You left out the regular A, man. What were they trying to do, waiting just in case there’s a bigger size in the future to bring out a single A? If anything that should be a B. Err, rather, a BB. Then it goes right to a C cell and a D cell. I don’t really need to go any further than that, as I’m a big fan of the 36DD myself. They’re not a battery, but they come in pairs and make me want to fuck something.

One-way bulletproof glass would be incredibly useful for the security department at the glass factory, assuming the robbers came in through the front door.

People say that bottled water is expensive. Let’s see you drive down to the lake just to fill up a single bottle. Some asshole has to do that 36 times per case. If you can do it for cheaper, please do so.

You know how clocks move in small increments, so more than half the time they’re between numbers? That’s bullshit. If the second hand can snap to any of the 60 seconds, so should the minute hand. For that matter, so should the hour hand. Imagine if on a digital watch the display would take a full minute to tansition between 7 and 8 minutes. The whole fucking thing would be a blur. It’s blur past smear ‘o clock, bitch, go cook me some din din. Nom nom nom.

I love going to the deli. The Polish deli is my favourite experience. I start giving the girl there my list in Polish, then she stops me and tells me that she doesn’t understand Polish. Gee, that’s weird. Here’s a girl that doesn’t understand the language of the store she works at, thus impeding her ability to serve me food. I’m not sure if I could deal with a girl that handles sausage all day. Oh, and then she goes to work at the deli. Monolingual slut.

The price difference between good beer and cheap beer means that you end up drinking more of the cheap beer. That’s ironic. It’s worse and you drink more of it. You are more likely to drink too much if it’s cheap. That’s strange. It’s the opposite with food. The more it costs, the more of it you want to eat. Think about that the next time you go to a cheap buffet that serves expensive beer.

Calling a tow truck to open the door since you locked the keys inside: $65. New window from the auto wreckers: $45. Watching someone break their hand trying to save twenty bucks: Priceless.

The better your audio equipment, the more likely you are to listen to music you don’t even like to enjoy the nuances and quality of the recording. That seems like a great way to waste both time and money simultaneously, on repeat.

Ever dozed off while watching The Wizard of Oz? You wake up and it’s in colour. All of a sudden the giant talking lion isn’t Dorothy’s biggest concern.

Doritos are marketed very poorly. The bag itself is so graphical and barely invokes the Doritos experience at all. Why don’t they just say, “Doritos are fucking awesome. If you don’t agree, it doesn’t matter. There is no competitive product from another brand.” They have so many flavours of Doritos, but it all boils down to three, and only 3 good ones.

3. Original
2. Zesty (whatever that is, but it’s been around since the 80s and everyone forgets they exist because the packaging is not in line with the rest of the products)
1. Cool Ranch (I would love to live on said ranch)

You know what’s next, right? Doritos NAKED. Just a regular tortilla chip with MSG dust on it. Great marketing name, too. Instant sex appeal and they can use models and shit. “Doritos Naked – because we know you’re sick of leaving your dick covered in that greasy orange sludge.”

I once connected a series of Nibs candies together until I got a long stick of it. I then twisted it a bit.

Chocolate milk powder (a la Nesquik )is such a bad idea. As a kid, I saw another kid at school snorting lines of it off his lunchbox. If you can’t make the product dissolve, EVER, then don’t make it. I was that kid that used a blender on weekends to make the perfect glass of chocolate milk. I kept thinking of great ways to shake my glass or container to make a good mix. I remember going to a paint store, seeing the machine that shakes the paint cans and got such a great idea – why don’t I put a marble in an empty can and simulate the end of the world?

Why can’t they make it dissolve? How does something like that pass product testing? You get the chocolate syrup, which not only tastes better, but actually works. I once crossed the center of the universe when I put Tang powder into my milk and stirred. I made Tang creamsicle milk, it dissolved perfectly, and have not received any royalties from my invention.

Oh, my milk was fresh.

Gummy bears and Pooh bear and the bears they make the honey bottles shaped into – they really desensitize children on bears in general. I would not want to take a small child camping, for fear that they go up to a bear and ask them for toilet paper that is extraordinarily soft.

{we now return you to your regularly scheduled program}