the Tommy|Zor era

[The following is a part of Tommy v2's stand-up comedy routine. Try to picture this in a dark, smoky bar where no one's laughing. At all.]

I dunno what happens when the brain randomly functions, but sometimes it’s truly baffling. The odd time I just dream of Amanda Bynes as a man, and sometimes I see the third side to a coin. Did you ever just swallow a small cup of uncooked rice to save time? One little cup makes an entire bowl when it’s cooked. This is me saving time. The water and heat is missing, and I expect my body to chip in and take care of that. I’ve just gone to the future with food technology. It’s a shame water doesn’t compress when frozen, because then I could have cold Gatorade candy that also refreshed me on a hot day. In this form, the flavour names like “GLACIER ICE XXXTREME” might actually make sense. Why does glacier anything taste like grapes? I wanna see this grape vine growing on tundra. Global warming, I guess.

Today I’m sitting on the can and I’m like: That 1994 Flintstones live-action movie. A few things bother me. First of all, it’s 1994. If you watch it today, you’ll never guess. It looks 100% modern and the CG of Dino is better than anything I saw in 2004-2008. One thing that strikes you as odd is the use of Halle Berry in the movie. Her presentation, and her dominance of the screen is very ‘current’. It’s hard to believe this was 1994 when no one’s heard of her. Who thought of Halle Berry? Why not someone famous? It’s fucking bizarre to think of the casting director’s thought process. It’s like casting Hugh Jackman as a superhero character in 1989 before he was HUGH JACKMAN.

Additionally, in said Flintstones movie, the plot revolves around the evil company vice president choosing an illegal scheme fall guy from his work force by doing an aptitude test. The ’smartest’ person was picked. Now, if you’re picking someone to do illegal things and not notice, wouldn’t you want the stupidest person? I know, I know “he thought they were all stupid, so it wouldn’t matter.” If that’s the case, why even check the results of the test? Do the test for appearances’ sake, then pick someone you had in mind anyway.

Now the Flintstones cartoon, that makes me go all meta. There is a laugh track. In a cartoon. Are we really expected to believe a live studio audience is watching a cartoon? Being drawn perhaps? Were the Korean children drawing this fast back then? And when the Flintstones met the Jetsons, why were both parties in awe? Shouldn’t the Jetsons know history and just merely scoff? Wouldn’t the Flintstones freak the fuck out when they saw the future? I’m sorry, but if I go into the future, I don’t just get amazed. I have a fucking stroke and/or an aneurysm. I AM IN THE FUCKING FUTURE, WHICH IS NOW MY PRESENT. THE TIME BETWEEN MY PAST AND NOW NO LONGER EXISTS AND THEREFORE THERE IS A HOLE IN THE TIME-SPACE CONTINUUM AND IF SO, DOES MY BANK PAY INTEREST DURING THIS TIME? WHAT IS TIME? IF IT DIDN’T HAPPEN, CAN IT BE MEASURED? DURING THIS HOLE, PERHAPS TIME WAS DIFFERENT, AT LEAST IN MEASUREMENT. WHAT IF THE MINUTES HAD 85 SECONDS EACH, WHAT DOES THE WEEKEND FEEL LIKE? Fucking Flintstones movie.

I’m not sure that Elroy would really enjoy playing with Bamm-Bamm. I would totally do Judy, but I’m not animated, nor in the future. Good to know they have blondes in the future, though. I wonder if she’d be impressed with me owning a MX-5 that doesn‘t fly? Just as well, really, I’m not impressed by a woman that doesn’t cook.

I saw a commercial last night on television. They now have a Mars bar that has caramel in it. I ask of you, what was the stuff in the bar previously? If it isn’t for the caramel, isn’t a Mars just a 3 Musketeers bar? And why did they call it a 3 Musketeers bar, anyway? That’s a terrible name, and very unmarketable in other territories. Just like that Baby Ruth bar. That’s gross. So now Mars has caramel in it, and the last 26 years of my life are proven incorrect and futile. It gets even more complex as you take into effect the fact that there is no longer a Mars bar in America, the UK version is different, and in Canada we have the Mars bar, but now it has caramel and before…before what? It always had caramel. Stop fucking with me. If you change the bar itself, why call it by the same name in other countries? If I went to Germany and a Big Mac has 6 patties of chicken, would that be OK? I say it would be not.

2 years ago I was in America and went to McDonald’s. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw that a McChicken was 99 cents. I ordered 3, of course, and then I got really, really mad. That’s not a McChicken, assholes. That’s a Junior Chicken. Never mind the size (which varies and doesn’t concern me), that’s not a McChicken. Does this mean that Americans have never had a real McChicken like we have in Canada? You know, the $4 one that is tastier than it has any right to be? Welcome to crazy town.

I had the most horrible nightmare today. It was so disturbing that I wouldn’t even tell the Internet. What causes a nightmare like that, and why did he have to be Asian?

Whoever said that giving is better than receiving obviously never got anything good. Obviously never got a paycheque. I agree that buying someone an Xbox 360 is way, way better than receiving am ugly grandma-knit sweater from your girlfriend. “Gee thanks babe, this snowflake pattern sweater is going to be fucking sweet in July.” I have never felt good about buying someone chocolates, knowing that the ones they buy me will pale in comparison. I give Turtles and Ferrero Rocher, they buy me store brand bulk tins. That is unacceptable. In agreement with my initial statement in this paragraph, I would rather receive a blowjob than give one. Perhaps ‘rather’ is too kind a word.

If on my keyboard someone removed the right CTRL key, I might not notice for months. Why not have a foot pedal for the space bar key, like a sewing machine? That would be amazing. Perhaps Shift should be a foot pedal for maximum exclamation mark performance. It would really help with posting eBay feedback if I could make ++++s more quickly as well. With a faster exclamation mark and lack of shift key, my YouTube comment posting would be more in-line with the current posters.

I once went through an entire Costco coupon book before I realized that some of the pages were double-sided. I had to go through it again because I couldn’t be sure that I looked at all the sides. I feel personally threatened if I miss a potential bargain.

Hotdogs come in packs of 12 and the buns in packs of 8, so I eat 24 hotdogs fairly often. I only eat 4 at a time, so perhaps the buns package of 8 is really what I want and need. The problem is when I decide to go for a 4th round, I might need to go shopping again. I can’t take that risk, so I get 24. I can then have 6 eating rounds of hotdogs, but I can only do it once. If a friend chooses to have an amount of hotdogs that is more or less than 4, all the clocks in my house stop and I start to hear time compressing, possibly bending.

I want to write a book where every other page the sentences connect, so if you lost some pages, it would continue nicely, albeit weirdly. I would make sure random pages are lost at the factory. You wouldn’t notice, or just think I’m an awkward writer. In the last paragraph of the book, I would tell the reader that they missed 34 pages, and they lose their fucking mind when they realize it. They start to go though all their other books, just to make sure I wasn’t in cahoots with other, better authors.

There are never any phone jacks in bathrooms. That is just poor design. The phone only rings when I’m in there. Sure, my house is old, so perhaps this phenomenon didn’t exist yet. I saw a new house, still no bathroom phone jacks. Next time an architect goes to the bathroom, I’m going to call him. I hope he takes notes. He definitely has paper in there. Before you tell me that there are cordless phones where the charging base links to a main receiver and doesn’t need a phone line in the room, I’m going to tell you that I don’t want any electrical things in the bathroom. Once I had a desire to make toast in the shower, but it was short-lived and the shower seemed to put back what the toaster took out, but a lot faster.

I would not take a gay friend to a strip bar. I would not take a straight friend to a gay strip bar. Can you immediately tell you’re in a male strip bar, or is the female dancer just not on stage yet? For a while you might not figure it out. Unless you get hit by a rogue cock, I guess.

Business cards are awesome. I have yet to see someone with two jobs get a card that is double-sided. Wouldn’t be very good if they two companies he works for are competitors, but if he worked for a hospital and mortuary, you might find his card extremely useful.

[this concludes Side A. Please fast-forward the tape to the end, then turn the tape over to Side B]