the Tommy|Zor era

This will invariably sound like a rant against Apple. That’s not quite it, because you can’t blame a company for the stupid customers they have. I’m not a fan of Apple for personal reasons (I work in the IT industry – anything that’s ‘easy’ or ‘user-friendly’ is an attack on my career, and basically my life) but I do admire their marketing that convinces the wrong people about the right things.

I don’t fall for that sort of marketing, and in fact, the only marketing that ever works on me is food marketing, but I’ve even fixed that by not having any sort of television. Apple’s marketing is incredibly clever, deceptive, flashy, memorable, etc, etc. Good for them. Now, marketing only becomes a problem when it changes the public’s perception of the competition, and that’s Apple’s main talent. It’s not that Macs, iPods or iPhones are “cool”, it’s just that everything else is fucking “lame.” Eventually Apple products become cool by proxy, since they’re the last things out there that are not “fucking lame.”

I’m not even going to bash the iPhone hardware, as it’s lovely. In fact, it’s downright fantastic, minus the battery life (a typical Apple problem – they should really learn from Sony). It’s a sexy piece of kit, no doubt, and it makes me want to mount it between my legs and treat it like a friend with benefits. However, like a friend, it doesn’t have the “spark” that makes me want to commit for a long time.

So, what’s my problem with the iPhone then? Simple. Its fucking owners.

Here are a list of things that make me want to kill myself regarding the iPhone. Feel free to cry along with me if you’ve been a victim of these things.

Bragging/Flaunting

All right, I get it, you have an iPhone. Stop fucking pulling it out every 90 seconds to “check the time.” Are you trying to make me jealous because I don’t have one? Guess what? I can go buy one, too. I can afford the best model, and the most expensive data plan, too.  Big fucking deal, yo. Were you one of those pricks with a RAZR in 2004 that had to show off that you were now locked on a 10-year phone contract so you could actually afford it? iPhone owners are the same way. BUY ONE WITHOUT THE CONTRACT. NOW THEM’S BRAGGING RIGHTS, DOUCHEBAG. I don’t fuckin ‘rent’ anything because I have money. When you can afford the real thing, then congrats. You’ve got borrowed toys for now. Guess what? You will drop and break it very soon. Then what? Get another one at a ‘discount’ and extend your phone contract for another 3 years? Perfect. Hope you like that fucking iPhone, you’ll be stuck with that for the next 11 years while you try to pay it off. When the iPhone 2xl 10GSv2 Nano comes out, you’ll wish you could get it, but you won’t be able to afford it, loser. Idiot.

GPS Paranoia

Every iPhone user can’t stop looking at the GPS constantly. GUESS WHAT, MORON?! YOU’RE EXACTLY WHERE YOU THINK YOU ARE! ZOMG GOOGLE MAPS SAYS I’M AT HOME, AND THEY’RE RIGHT!!! Stop going places and getting lost just so you can be “found” with your iPhone. That’s like starving yourself to the point of death just because you know you have food in the fridge. Stupid.

Need I say more?

Wikipedia Abuse

Remember when people would have a conversation? Me neither. Every time I talk to someone now and mention anything that is “questionable” or “vague”, some dipshit has to pull out their iPhone and look shit up on Wikipedia. Strangely, these same people never used Wikipedia on their PC, and in fact never cared about not knowing something. Who in their right mind just looks shit up in the middle of a conversation? It’s so unhealthy. Normally, when friends argue about facts, someone claims they’re going to “look it up later” and they always forget to. That’s a good thing. Then no feelings are hurt. No one gets told. You stay friends! iPhone makes this entire procedure painful. Just look it up later, asshole! And if you forget, it obviously wasn’t important! Don’t worry about it!

The YouTube Par-tay

Years ago, I saw the world come to an end. I went to a party full of hot girls and alcohol, and all anyone did was gather around a computer and watch ‘funny’ YouTube videos. Holy shit, it’s over. We’re doomed. Thanks, iPhone, for making this portable. iPhone users always reference some ‘pop culture shit’ and then have to SHOW YOU RIGHT THEN AND THERE. Talk about annoying. Dude, yeah, I saw that SNL clip. Yeah guy, I saw that GoDaddy commercial. DON’T BRING THAT SHIT WITH YOU TO RUIN SOCIAL GATHERINGS. I JUST WANT TO DRINK, MAKE OUT WITH DECENT-LOOKING SLUTS, AND SLEEP IN THE CORNER WHERE NO ONE WILL SEE ME. Fuck your portable media player bullshit.

iToilet

Great, now people are surfing the Internet while on the toilet. Great, now they’re doing it in public. Don’t stay on the toilet so long, you’re going to give yourself hemorrhoids. Seriously.

ZOMG It’s also an iPod

Wow, you got music on your phone! Amazing! How convenient. Now you can be anti-social on more levels. You know how many pretty girls I’ve not talked to because they had those fucking white headphones in? Too many. Cut that shit out. Better yet, get a job so you don’t have to take the bus or walk places, you bum. I haven’t listened to a portable music player in, oh, 10 years? I have a stereo at home and one in my car. Any place in between is for losers.

Apps ‘n Shit

Hey, check it out! The iPhone has programs that make life better! False. The iPhone has programs to make life more hectic and annoying. Does the average Gen Y person need to spend MORE time on Facebook? Really? In public? It’s fucking sick.

Do you need an app to make fart noises, or tell you the weather in places you can’t afford to visit? Or, better yet, do you need an app to locate other iPhone users who are as anti-social as you are? Do you need to Twitter something AS IT HAPPENS? Funny, I thought blogs and Twitter were supposed to be reflections of culminated thoughts, not a play-by-play of your shitty life. Weird. Fuck, I’m not even against Twitter, but to need this thing available at all times? Fuck that. Blow me. Twitter afterwards.

Google This, Google That

Ugh. Google makes me sort of queasy. Yes, they have the best search and best maps program, sure, but no one needs to “Google Shit” every 5 minutes (only to click on the Wikipedia entry, as a matter of fact). Stop it. If Apple’s so fucking smart, why don’t they have their own programs like that? Why are they giving market and mindshare away to Google, who will soon be their competition in many fields? I’m sure many people think Google practically runs the iPhone. Apple are a bunch of idiots to not take care of this immediately.

You know, I could go on all day long about how such a great device is being used to make annoying people worse. I love having conversations interrupted by flashing and buzzing iPhones all day long. I love having conversations stopped dead cold because you need to ‘check something.’ Fuck you, assholes. Don’t worry, you’ll all pay for it one day, when you’re lonely and miserable. It’s not fair the some dumbass gets to have ‘the knowledge of the history of humanity’ in their pocket at all times. It makes those of us who are actually smart and intelligent seem less so, and that’s bullshit. I got, like, 0.5% of the entire Wikipedia in my head, and I’ve had it since since you’ve been rocking a RAZR in the summer of ‘05. You’re still on that contract, aren’t you?