the Tommy|Zor era

I never really understood the excitement of camping. Perhaps the first reason is because I don’t consider myself a ‘hardcore’ outdoor type of person. I’ll hike, bike and slaughter small animals, but that’s about where my fun ends. I personally think camping is a shot at the homeless. We willingly sleep outdoors with better equipment and supplies, knowing that we can go back to a home at anytime we wish. Actually, you know what? I think I like camping now.

Biochemically, sex is equivalent to eating large quantities of chocolate. It still doesn’t guarantee that I’ll enjoy it, finish it or want more later. It also ensures that I’ll never give a woman chocolate if I want to have sex with her that night.

By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you can’t sink in quicksand. You’ll just die a horrible, horrible death. But hey, at least you didn’t sink.

Statistically, women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold. Obviously, I’m shopping for condoms in the wrong place.

Walt Disney is considered family entertainment and good, clean fun. Consider this: 101 Dalmations and Peter Pan are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don’t die throughout the movie.

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete. Next time I’m in a fight, I should theoretically kick ass if I drive my femur into my opponent. I’m fucked if he can break concrete blocks.

An acronym is a series of abbreviations that are formed using all the letters in a name. (e.g. FAQ – Frequently Asked Questions). A backronym a phrase constructed after the fact to make an existing word or words into an acronym (e.g. Bing – But It’s Not Google). I’d like to coin the term sexonym: constructing sexual connotations from innocent sentences.
Example
“I need to get some wood.”
“I got some wood in my pants you can get.”
Or
“Would anybody like a muffin?”
“I know a muffin shop I’d like to visit.”

Here’s a challenge: find a word that rhymes with purple.

My favourite fact I have ever come across: 93% of people masturbate in the shower. The other 7% sing. Do you know what song they sing? No? Then you must be one of the ones that masturbate.

It is ridiculously easy to train an actor to be a magician (The Illusionist, The Prestige and VH1’s Celebracadbra series are prime examples). The reason: a magician is really an actor playing the part of a magician. However, magicians are horrible actors and it is said that if a magician and an actor auditioned for the part of a magician in a movie… the actor would get it.

On that same thread, can the same thing be said about astronauts and oil drillers? Yes Michael Bay, I’m talking to you.

I went to New Orleans a few years ago to help gut houses. Coincidentally, it was also Mardi Gras week. The hype from the Internet is strictly Bourbon Street from 9pm – 5am on Tuesday. The festivities and parades during the days and early evenings of the week are the most fun family oriented events one could partake in.

Ever wonder what it’s like to have your mind go completely blank? I mean, not a single thought in the world? Drink two cans of Rockstar at 11pm and stay up all night focusing on a single task. Once the Rockstar wears off, you won’t even know what task you’re on anymore.

The first time I ever had an energy drink was five years ago with a friend at a bar. The conversation went something like the following:
“What have I been drinking?”
“Vodka Redbull.”
“Oh. What’s Redbull?”
“It’s an energy drink. You’re never supposed to have more than 2 in a day and you’re never supposed to mix it with alcohol.”
“How many have we had?”
“You’re on your fifth.”
It’s been my favourite drink and I’ve never looked back.

99% of people cannot lick their elbow. Now that you’ve just tried or thought about trying it, why do we insist on thinking we’re part of that 1%? More importantly, who came up with this statistic and why is it even relevant? At what point in your life will you find it necessary to lick your own elbow?

I am personally thankful that Peter Jackson did the Lord of the Rings. I have tried on numerous occasions to get through the books and couldn’t make it past page 20. I’ve tried several times, even after the movies came out. Instead, I just played Dungeons & Dragons (which is based on the trilogy) and still got the same idea.

People rag on me for playing Dungeons & Dragons. Then I tell them that it’s not a board game. Suddenly, they feel stupid and ask for a description on how the game is played.

A friend once told me that she knew magic wasn’t real because countries don’t use it as a viable solution to a problem.