the Tommy|Zor era

To be honest, I’ve had enough. I like to socialize with people and enjoy making conversations with others. Sometimes, you can get into some real funny anecdotes, or really deep life altering topics. Yet, at the end, both of you will walk away with some kind of satisfaction. Those are the kind of conversations that still give you hope in humanity, the world and yourself. Fucking right!
However, for every one of those conversations, I have about three hundred of the other kind. You know which ones I’m talking about. The ones where you want to bash your head against the fucking wall so you can forget that you just waited precious moments of your life. A typical conversation  usually involves one or more of the following:

Catching up
Bouncing ideas off one another
Sharing stories
Trying to find common ground to create a conversation

Sounds simple, right? Unfortunately, what I’ve listed has now become the ideal. Nowadays, you tend to find the following:

Self-indulgent motherfuckers who only talk about themselves
Waiting for you to finish your story so they can tell a ‘better’ one
Why you are wrong and their opinion is right
Nothing to talk about except for one, maybe two, specific topics

If you’re nodding your head right now, then you too have been a victim of many of these types of awful human interactions. If you’ve failed to understand or grasp what I’m getting at, I will now illustrate with a few examples.

Example 1

A friend has invited you over for dinner. There’s a bunch of people there that you know and a few others that you have just met. Everybody seems cool and everything is going well. Over dinner, you and said friend start laughing about a story that happened to the two of you one time when you were drinking.
Then it happens…
The person beside you pipes up with “Oh you think that’s bad…”
Someone else begins talking about their investments.
The person beside you pipes up, “Don’t even get me started…”
Someone else mentions that the weather has been decent
Again, “Well, when I was vacationing seven years ago…”
You hope and pray that someone has poisoned that person’s food.

Synopsis: Severe self-esteem issues, needs attention and too immature to deal with it. Person needs to know they feel accepted. Don’t give them that satisfaction. Ever.

Example 2

You’re at a party and notice someone sitting there silently, but relaxed. You decide to go start a conversation.
Then it happens…
The conversation goes nowhere and it feels like pulling teeth to get more than five words out of this person. You casually mention the topic of golf putters. This person comes to life and now that’s all they want to talk about. You try to shift topics and the conversation goes dead again.
You wish you had a golf putter to smack yourself over the head with.

Synopsis: Just walk away – there’s nothing going on up there.

Example 3

You’re among friends and there’s a university student in the group. Everybody is chatting, having fun and getting along just fine.
Then it happens…
The university tries like hell to drag the conversation over to their area of ‘expertise.’ It’s all they know and it’s all they want to talk about. They make themselves out to be an expert on the subject and won’t stop. Every time the conversation changes, they drag it back to their area of study.
You wish you had that “Good Will Hunting” Harvard bar scene memorized about why school is useless.

Synopsis: This one is easy to overcome. Keep taking the opposite opinion, regardless of whether you believe it or not. Eventually, the university student will think you’re a bigot and will stop talking all together feeling you “aren’t worth their time.” You win.

Example 4

You can be anywhere talking with anybody. At some point in the conversation, you mention that you have a set of beliefs (be it religious or otherwise).
Then it happens…
The next hour is the other person going on the offense, telling you why your set of beliefs are wrong. They tell you they have life all figured out and want to tell you the correct solution to how you should live your life. They proceed to tell you what every religion really means and what all scientific discovery is actually moving toward.
You quietly reach for the .22 caliber in your back pocket.

Synopsis: Quietly reach for the .22 caliber in your back pocket.

Next time you’re in a social situation, please do yourself and the world a favour and check to see if you’re one of these people. Then STOP with that shit already because all of us would rather not hear it. Here’s a good indicator that nobody is interested in what you have to say:

Nobody is asking you any follow-up questions or encouraging you to keep speaking.

If details aren’t asked for, then don’t give them. I know, it’s a sad reality to accept, but most people don’t care what you have to say. They are either too into themselves or they just find you uninteresting and boring. In either case, just move on. This rule does not apply if you are in an argument. That is something completely different.

Stuck for a conversation topic? Try one of the following:

Conspiracy theories – people love them and I’m sure we all have one or two that we love to believe. Ask someone what conspiracy theory they believe and run with it, or take on the opposite viewpoint. Then go do some research together to find out who is right, if it can be proven at all. This works on dates too, in case you’re wondering.

Guess what they’re thinking game – play a game where you try and figure out what people are actually thinking. Create conversations, take it to the extreme.

Your morning routine – How long does it take you to wake up after your alarm goes off? BAM – instant conversation after that question.

Stuck for more? Go pick up a few books and start reading. My recommendation is to read anything. Find a topic you’ve always had an interest in and wikipedia that shit. Go to all the external links and keep reading. Hate reading? Watch a few seasons of Seinfeld and you should have plenty of material to work with. Think like a lawyer when you converse. Listen, ask questions, probe for more. Interject with your thoughts and observations. Trust me, you’ll be doing me, and the entire world a favour.