There’s a plethora of board games out there, however, after it’s all said and done – you are almost guaranteed to come back to Monopoly.

What is it about this game that everyone loves but nobody wants to play? We all get suckered into it at some point and our only thought is, ‘When will this fucking game end already?’ We never have fun playing it, yet we still have an urge to play. Well, rest easy everyone because… here it is… Monopoly is actually really fucking fun.

Let me break it down to you what Monopoly involves: Money, backstabbing, wheeling & dealing and some luck. I suppose if you don’t like money (at which point I’m calling you a liar), then you really wouldn’t like this game. If you suck with money and always make bad decisions with it then you will NEVER like this game because you will always lose.

As for the rest of us who are good with money, like board games, or like socializing with people, I would now like to share with you some strategies and practical advice to finish the game and finish it quickly.

Okay, maybe not THAT quickly.

Play by the Official Rules

The number one reason games drag on so long is because people want to play by a million fucking house rules, or nobody has actually ever read the rulebook. The fastest way to end the game is to play the game the way it was intended to be played.

Stop putting money into the middle of the board and claiming it on Free Parking. Don’t give people free visits when they land on your property. Don’t play nice – period. Why? I already told you: the game drags AND you forget the cardinal reason for playing the game…

Keep the End Goal in Mind

The object of Monopoly is to make everyone go bankrupt but you. That’s it. End of story. When you have everything and everyone has nothing, you win!

Always keep that in mind. Every time you even think of being a nice person in the game, you lose. This board game isn’t reality – it’s a fucking board game. It is not a reflection of your true person. People will be pissed at you because they’re not the ones winning. Tough shit – go sleep with their sister after and really give them something to be bitter about. In the meantime, do everything you possibly can to win.

Play to win. Got it?

It’s just a free space, leave it alone.

Valuable Properties

Hmmm… you’re looking at the board and you know that if you had a hotel on Park Place and Boardwalk, anybody who lands on it is fucked… in the ass… without any lube. It’s a hard hitting monopoly to own, but it has 2 major drawbacks. 1. It’s very expensive to own and build houses on. 2. People rarely land on either one.

It only pays off to own them if you can get everyone to land on both immediately, if not sooner. Chances are, you gave up your firstborn child to get your hands on either property and you won’t hold up so well on your opponent’s properties.

Alternate strategy you ask? Build a corner on the oranges and reds, or yellows and greens. Statistically, the oranges are the most landed on property on the entire board. Also… statistically, v2’s ex is also the most landed on property in all of North America. Hee-hee, I’m an asshole and I love it. The yellows and greens pay off very well. My suggestion: focus on one corner, do what you can to get those deed cards and build like a motherfucker!

Before you get to that point, you will need property to own and trade. That is why, at the beginning of the game, buy EVERY piece of property you land on. There is no reason to save money, just keep buying. The properties will pay themselves off in a very short time. Since property is key to winning this game, would it not make sense to own as much of it as possible? That’s what I thought.

This is your prime directive.

Houses versus Hotels

I know what you’re thinking, “Hey douchebag, hotels make you a lot more money than houses. Why is this even an issue?”

You remembered to read the official rules, right? There are 32 houses and 12 hotels in every Monopoly game. That is a finite number, which means no substitutes are allowed. What does this mean for strategy?

In order to build a hotel, you need to build 4 houses first. Building 4 houses REQUIRES that 4 houses are available to begin with. Follow the bouncing ball. Henceforth, if you just build houses on your properties, you can cause a house shortage for your opponents. They will not be able to build houses and hotels because you’re an asshole who won’t upgrade your gillion houses to hotels.

Don’t just monopolize the properties, monopolize the houses. In the case that you did the Park Place/Boardwalk thing – build hotels. It’s only 2 properties, and the payoff is ridiculous.

The appropriate term here is: fucked.

Pick the Battleship

It’s superstitious to think that picking the right game piece will affect the outcome of the game, so don’t do it. Instead, pick the battleship and your chances to win will have increased dramatically.

You will own the board and you will win.

Don’t Play Nice

I’ve already mentioned it a bunch of times, but it’s worth repeating. This game is all about bankrupting your opponents as fast as possible. Ideally, you would just tell them to buy Med Patent stock and laugh as their lives go down the shitter, but no such option exists for this game.

Do not give away any advantage you have. Do not give your opponent a deed to complete a deadly monopoly. Make promises, then break them. Screw, manipulate and backstab. In essence, pretend that you’re in a shitty relationship. Everybody is your ex that fucked you over – don’t give them an inch.

Two things will happen if you follow that imporant piece of advice: you will win and you will have fun winning. I told you, Monopoly is a fun fucking game. You just need to know what the hell you’re doing to realize it.

The Importance of Jail

At the beginning of the game, get out of jail as fast as possible. You need to be on the board buying property. Near the mid-game/end of game, do what you can to stay there.

While you are in jail, you can still collect rent, buy houses and trade with other players. The advantage is that you are not moving around the board and putting yourself in danger of landing on your opponent’s property. So if you get stuck there, don’t panic. Jail can actually be a good thing for once.

…Do not drop the soap

Cheat

When you are really in a bind and need to get it all over with – be the banker and cheat.