How to Improve Your Sex Life

There comes a time in your life (and I specify your life because mine is awesome) where you need a little something extra to help bring the excitement. Women’s magazines publish a gillion articles on “How to Drive Him Wild” while men’s magazines publish shit about “Becoming the Sex God of the Universe.”

I think it’s about time that those of us here on tommy|zor dissect some of these claims. Let the mud slinging begin!

[v2] I can get into that. Just as long as she washes her hands first.

[Zor] We actually haven’t started with the first claim yet.

[v2] I claimed your first ex. And your second for that matter.

[Paperdreamer] There it is again. Silly boys.

[v2] How dare you say such a thing!

[Paperdreamer] Because technically, he claimed your nth girlfriend first.  And also the (n+1)th too…

Serve him breakfast naked

[v2] Sorry, was there ever a reason a woman wouldn’t be in the kitchen?

[Zor] I never understood this one. I thought it was natural for a woman to want to wake up and cook for me.

[Paperdreamer] How the hell have you two ever managed to keep anybody?

[v2] You’re still here? Can you grab me a Pepsi next time you’re up, I’m thirsty. Thanks.

[Paperdreamer] And this is why you’re never getting any.

[Zor] You know what I really like? Eggs Benedict. I think it’s the Hollandaise sauce that does it for me.

[Paperdreamer] I know another sauce that does it for you.

[v2] Are you coming on to me?  Well, well!  I knew you’d break down eventually.

[Zor] She was talking to me.  While you’re grabbing v2 a Pepsi, can you grab one for me too? Much appreciated.

[v2] Pepsi for foreplay? That’s disgusting.

[Zor] Who said anything about foreplay? I’m hungry.

[Paperdreamer] I’m going to food poison both of you.

Roleplaying

[Zor] I think every fucking magazine has suggested this one. I’m kind of torn – who gets to be the Dungeon Master?

[v2] I’m pretty sure they don’t mean Dungeons & Dragons, you fucking nerd.

[Zor] “You get the Magic Stick which gives +5 to orgasm.”

[Paperdreamer] I think you just admitted to the Internet that you’re still a virgin.

[Zor] Well, I haven’t got my yellow belt yet.

[v2] That’s awful, but in a good way.

[Paperdreamer] You know, there’s a reason why white belt is always the beginner belt.

[v2] This reminds me of the time I put a girl in the chicken wing.

[Zor] “Unshaven Wild Forest. -5 to boner every second you’re in there”

[v2] That’s why it’s always handy to carry a razor with +9 to sharpness.

[Paperdreamer] Your jungles aren’t the most appealing thing either.

[v2] A mammoth python lives in mine.

Watching Porn Together

[Zor] Fucking right!!!

[v2] Obviously.

[Paperdreamer] I concur.

Change the Environment

[v2] Does the basement of a Church qualify?

[Paperdreamer] I’m not sure how comfortable a woman would feel in that environment.

[v2] Once I start railing her from behind, it really doesn’t matter where she is.

[Zor] Can we stay on topic for once? Please?

[Paperdreamer] Agreed. Changing the environment does add a new level of excitement. It gets pretty boring when it’s always in the bedroom and the only thing that changes is the lighting.

[v2] You could always change partners.

[Zor] Why change partners when you can add more?

[Paperdreamer] I think that was just your left hand, Zor.

[Zor] The bedroom of her parent’s place and you finish on her mom’s pillow. How about that?

[v2] FUCK YOU!

Dirty Talk

[v2] I’m going to jump in right away and state my preference that women don’t speak at all during sex.

[Zor] What the hell is dirty talk anyway? Isn’t that just normal conversation, but now she’s not upset at me for saying it in front of her parents?

[Paperdreamer] Okay, honestly – have either of you actually slept with anybody?

[v2] Find me a woman who can speak about NGK spark plugs and I’ll take this topic seriously.

[Paperdreamer] I’d much prefer if you’d spark your plug in me.

[v2] Okay Zor, you totally edited her comment.

[Zor] I did NO such thing! [Paperdreamer edit: He did.]

And that concludes today’s discussion on improving your sex life. I hope you all learned something valuable.

[Paperdreamer] Ass…

[v2] Yes, please.

  • The Hottest Little Mermaid

    after zor mentioned eggs benedict,
    I was totally distracted throughout
    this whole thing. now I need to go
    and eat some because they are like a
    freaking drug and I’m jonesing.

  • Zor

    I bought an egg cooker just so I can make poached eggs at will without all the frickin’ mess. Really, they’re that good…

  • The Hottest Little Mermaid

    I am extremely envious. I am totally
    craving them right now, and I don’t
    know when I’ll be able to eat them again.
    thanks a whole bunch! =(

  • Tommy v2

    Eggs? CHICKEN MENSTRUATION. That is all.

  • knickerbockers

    Been saying it for years.