the Tommy|Zor era

Months ago, I got to watching the entire How I Met Your Mother series. That’s with a capital I, not a small i, thanks. That title doesn’t make any sense, either – the main character, Ted, is an educated and highly literate man. Unless he becomes retarded later on in life (well, we know his voice changes to Bob Saget for some reason, despite his character being in his 30s on the show. Are we expected to believe that your voice changes from, say, 30 to 55? I call bullshit.) I can’t see the reason for the small i. Right, so, strike 1. LE’

I didn’t know a thing about HIMYM. In fact, I thought it was a reality show about various couples talking about their meeting experiences. Yes, seriously. I thought it was a TLC show or something. I kept hearing something about Neil Patrick Harris being on some TV show similar to this, but, I dunno… it never added up.

The premise of the show is that in the year 2030, Ted is telling his kids the story of how he met his wife, their mother. Each episode is a story that he tells them on the couch. It seems novel at first, and then it goes way fucking out of control and becomes more aggravating than anything else. The show jumps the shark about 8 episodes in. It’s a constant barrage of teasing, foreshadowing, annoyance and just plain disappointment.

So now, months later, here I am, having seen every episode there is to see. I even did a little side research here and there for more background information, so I’d like to say that I’m well-versed on the show’s positives, negatives, and general traits. I’ve seen deleted scenes, commentaries, blah blah blah. Here are some key points:

• The show is tremendously NOT funny. I find it an entertaining, lighthearted, humorous television show – but it ain’t fucking funny! I’ve been known to smile here and there, but those who are going around telling people it’s “hilarious” – well, fuck yourselves in the ear.
• Lily and Marshall are the worst couple on television, possibly the entire world. Possibly even the entire fictional world. I’ll go into this more in detail soon.

…Like right now.

Marshall

Marshall as a character, I can also deal with. He’s your typical loyal, dumb, obsessive, possessive boyfriend jock asshole. He’s basically Moose from Archie’s comics toned down a bit, with some soft gayness thrown in. He’s confusing as a person – he used to be some pothead dork in college, and now he’s a lawyer. He used to be wild and didn’t give a fuck about anyone, but… he’s never fucked a single girl except Lily. That’s hard to believe. Stoner dudes fuck a lot of women, period.

Lily

Lily is the worst character on television, ever. Ever. Ever, ever, ever. Portrayed by the most annoying actress (if you can call her that – she just plays The Pie Fucker’s Band Camp Slut every single time she’s on the screen) in the history of, well, anything. The cosmos remembers her well. Even Jesus and his dad know how bad she sucks. Don’t believe me? Here’s a couple of things to think about:

• -Lily is a sex freak. 99% certain that she was sexually abused growing up, otherwise why would a woman turn out this way? She works around children – and she shouldn’t. Anyway, with her being a sex freak – and I mean, a TOTAL fucking freak – bitch loves cock 10-times-a-day if it were possible – why was she a virgin when she got with Marshall? You don’t become a sex freak with your single, only partner. Ever. And yet, she never fucks anyone else, doesn’t even flirt (all sex freaks flirt incessantly, I assure you) with anyone. She never suggests a threesome, or excessive toy use, or anything. How can a girl love to fuck THAT much? Like, what the hell? You fuck, you get off, you get sweaty. It’s all gross after a while. Even if I could fuck all day (and I physically can) I wouldn’t want to – women get pretty gross after a while. I won’t even fuck a girl that’s 4 hours past a shower, let alone 10 hours and 5 sex sessions later. Marshall must be disgusted with her grossness, yet he continues to plow anyway. Ugh…
• -Lily is a sex freak. I cannot stress this enough. The problem is – Marshall continues to have some insane sex drive for her. So what’s happening – is she not satisfying him? I’ve owned a male body for 28 years – I’m 101% certain that if someone gets you off, say, THREE times a day, your sex drive plummets into oblivion. Now, say, they do it FIVE times. For like, TEN YEARS OR SOME SHIT. Forget that. Men get physically bored of banging the same girl, all the way until the drive disappears completely. Marshall should want to bang anyone else, big time, but he doesn’t. It has nothing to do with how the current girl looks or acts. It’s simple psychology – it’s called The Coolidge Effect. I’ll believe anything on TV, but I refuse to believe that their sex life is so intense when they are the most boring, docile, square, virgin-like dorks on the planet. Oh, and Lily is most times a redhead. -10 points to attractive. Not a real redhead, obviously, because in parts of season 4 she sports a fucking fantastic tan that puts mine to shame, and trust me, I’m no stranger to the UV bulb.

In fact, everything I hate about Marshall and Lily as a couple can be condensed into one scene. Seriously, are these two really sex addicts? Give me a fucking break.

Robin

Robin is a great character, mostly. The most interesting thing about her is that she’s not that attractive. She looks like a pretty average girl, but her personality is terrific. The way Ted worships her and calls her “hot” is interesting, because she’s not. She had no real feminine body to speak of. It’s almost depressing that she’s the Canadian character on the show, because I don’t like being represented by someone so average. Anyway, small detail. Robin is a good character. She’s varied in her emotions, actions, and actually has decent acting. 5 seasons later, she doesn’t upset me in the least. Oh, and she used to be a pop star – that’s great stuff, and the best episode of the show (“The Slap Bet”)

Ted

Now… Ted is a great fucking character. For the first few seasons he was a little dull, but then he just gets it. Despite him searching for Mrs. Right, he still fucks anyone who looks at him. Great stuff. Trying to find love at the end of every cervix is a good place to start, I guess. I find Ted incredibly funny for some reason – he’s just so fucking, like, repressed or something. He’s a metrosexual that’s dangerously close to being an annoying fruit, but it works. The episode where he wears the red cowboy boots (!) was particularly memorable. Anyway, I don’t know what happens later when he turns into Bob Saget, but man does he ever get fucking lame. HEY BOB SAGET, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE TED MOSBY, NOT DANNY TANNER. It’s like that guy has no vocal acting range whatsoever.

Barney

Barney is the best character on the show. He goes around sticking his dick into every girl, ever, including Britney Spears and J-Lo. He runs around saying repetitive stuff and having a high-pitched voice while doing so. He has websites dedicated to his antics and catchphrases. Blah, blah, blah. I could go on all day, but YouTube can do it better. He gets pretty tiring when marathon watching, but generally, any scene with Barney is a good one. People always mention some reference along the lines of “He’s a gay man in real life, playing a super-hetero womanizer on the show! Hahaha!”  Why’s that so strange? Gays are the ultimate womanizers. They don’t even fucking want you in a physical way – that have ZERO interest in pleasing you or wanting to be with you, and yet they take up your time. That, to me, makes perfect sense. And yes, Barney should be with Lily. They’re both sex freaks. That would make sense, wouldn’t it? With Barney’s heteroflexibility, they could have all sorts of weird and crazy mixed sex that would satisfy each other. Anyway, so, yeah, Barney’s pretty great.

His catch phrase, “Suit Up!” is only topped by his usage of the term “Legendary” at key times. I mean, fuck, we GET IT, but I enjoy it anyway. I love repetitive bullshit. (see: LOLcats)

Here are a few nit-picks and comments about the show:

• -”Well kids, sometimes you…” BLAH BLAH BLAH. Hey Ted, why are you telling your kids that Barney has threesomes, that everyone did drugs, and that you banged everyone with a heart rate over 50bpm? Why tell them about all of that stuff? You’re a sick fucker. He “censors” things, but then why even mention them? Stupid. Why not have an episode where he’s just talking to the other people, saying “Remember when we…?”? That would make some sense. Idiots…
• -Those kids – they’re stupid and poorly done. You can tell all their scenes were recorded in the first season, and there must be hundreds of hours of footage of them staring at the screen blankly. They don’t even react, ever, unless they go “WHAT?!”  Boring. In the latest episode, they show them after Ted tells them about the house they live in. Blank expressions. Half an hour to get to the point, and blank expressions. Ugh.
• -Season 5 is so painfully shitty that it’s like taking a carrot peeler to your own penis while your worst enemy watches. Really? 5 years to tell your kids about their mother? Why not tell them and work backwards? I’d actually be MORE interested if we met the mother now, and then saw further antics. She’ll be shown in the last three episodes of the show, 10 years from now. Ugh.
• -Marshall, a lawyer and obviously a smart, responsible man, would not marry someone whose income is $20K a year. Prove me wrong.
• -Ted running Mosbius Designs is a great story arc. The part about him choosing an official pen… man, that’s some good stuff.
• -Britney Spears being on the show was A+++++ entertainment. Holy shit, I’m eBay. A+++++++++++!!!!11
• -I can’t believe it’s on season 5. Seriously, that’s as puzzling as Prison Break… season four.

Anyway, overall, I can recommend the show. You can quit watching after season 4, however, since you’ve officially seen enough.

The bad news: television gets a lot worse, and I continue to watch it anyway. Like, for instance, The Big Bang Theory… but let’s save that for another time. If there was ever a show that went completely to shit in 3 seasons… oh man…

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