the Tommy|Zor era

I have established there are two kinds of drive people have in this world: those that aspire to kick some ass and those that will whore themselves out to anything just to feel special. Competitions and championships used to hold enough merit that the winners of them were literally gods on the Earth. For instance, the Ironman competition – holy shit! When the record for the Hawaii Ironman (the most notable and prominent) is just over 8 HOURS… that’s some serious ass-kicking. On the other hand, the people who win at the World Championships of Chess could probably finish a doctrate degree while discovering the cure for future diseases.

Nowadays, there are championships for everything and anything. While some are valid because, hey, I want to know who the best Monopoly player in the world is, there are others that just make me cringe. They remind me of that kid in my fourth grade class who didn’t know his hand from his ass and it was probably going to stay that way, forever. And while he couldn’t earn a gold star then, the competitions he could compete in now will surely give him at least a certificate of participation.

Rock, Paper, Scissors Championship

Let me get this straight, there is a game where you have a 1 in 3 chance (or 33.333333 repeated%) of winning… and you make it an international competition? The only reason this ever came on the radar screen was a feature news story about a Canadian winning the first competition. Wow – good job Canada. We’ve been relegated to celebrating the victory of a rock, paper, scissors championship.

In all honesty, I can’t imagine what in-depth strategy is involved in winning this competition… oh wait… I can. It is on the official website. The use of Gambits in competitive RPS has been one of the greatest and most enduring breakthroughs in RPS strategy. Selecting throws in advance helps prevent unconscious patterns from forming and can sometimes reduce the subconscious signals that give away the next throw, often called “tells”. Gambits are the focal point of beginner strategy and form the basis of many advanced strategies. For instance, Rock, Paper, Paper (known as “Fistful o’ Dollars”) is arguably one of the great surprise offensive moves.

WHAT THE FUCK!? A power bomb through a lecturn is a surprise offensive move. A reversal of a paralyzing armbar is a surprise offensive move. Me smacking you in the back of the neck while on a bus is a surprise offensive move. Randomly playing rock and 2 papers is just about as surprising as me taking a shit later in the day instead of before my morning shower. Who gives a flying fuck as it really doesn’t fucking matter.

1, 2, 3… you lose. In life.

Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest

Find a group of guys and you are guaranteed to find an eating competition. Sure, we’ve all made bets about how much of a certain food we could eat and how fast we could eat it. Sometimes, restaurants even have an open challenge to customers. One example being the 72 ounce steak challenge (eat it in an hour and it’s free) or being able to eat 3 Works Burgers (1 lb each)  in 20 minutes (finish it and its free, plus get a dinner for 2 next time). I have a friend, let’s call him T v2 who claims he can EASILY eat those three burgers, yet no concrete evidence. All chirp and no action. All was fun and good in the world until we decided we just couldn’t let it be…

Every year on Independence Day (July 4th for the uninformed), on Coney Island, New York, at a place called Nathan’s Famous Corporation, an international hot dog eating competition takes place. People train for this… look forward to it… hell – ESPN even started broadcasting it. Do people honestly enjoy watching other people eat hot dogs THAT much? Really? I can’t remember the last time I ran down to Ikea to watch people eat Ikea hot dogs. The last time I was at a MLB game, I didn’t get a single thrill watching some fatass beside me scarf down a few hot dogs and wash it down with beer. In 2007, Barry Bonds legitimately broke Hank Aaron’s homerun record, yet ESPN declared Joey Chestnut’s hot dog eating championship victory “The greatest moment in American sports history.”

Just disgusting. Absolutely disgusting.

Even worse, the event is sponsored by the International Federation of Competitive Eating. With obesity and starvation is a problem, how does an organization like this exist? Please, just end my pain now.

Starcraft League

Take a game, a fun game.
Send it straight to hell by giving it to obsessive compulsive real time strategy players.
Then give it to Korea.
Try playing one round of it online.
Never play the game again.

Years ago, I was working at an Internet Cafe. This one kid comes in and starts chirping about how he is the second best Starcraft player in the world, was invited to compete in Korea, etc. etc. fuck off. He sits down to play a round and I casually walk over to watch him play.
His battle.net record: 152-0
Okay, there might be some legitimacy to his claim. Then I watched him play. I think he touched his mouse all of 3 times and completely obliterated 2 opponents. Not only that, he did it with Terrans… the race I rarely see people play. I immediately questioned him on the game and he went on about a Starcraft League and and how there is a channel dedicated to Starcraft in Korea. What?

Forget rushing with the Zerg, I’m just going to bludgeon you mercilessly with the keyboard.

Do me a favour: if you wake up every day striving to be the greatest Starcraft player in the world, go bang your head against the fucking wall until you come to your fucking senses.
On that note, I’m outta here. I need to go do real work and make an actual contribution to this world… or government taxes.