the Tommy|Zor era

Men and women are totally messed up. The whole team here is going to discuss relationships and how they work, to help all of you out there with some of the things you’re experiencing, and how to deal with certain issues.

[Zor] What do you mean issues? My woman knows how to cook just fine.

[Paper] I think he was referring to relationship advice. There’s more to a woman than cooking.  Once you know more women than your mom.

[v2] …Yeah, she has to be able to serve the food, too. And operate the dishwasher. I hate when they face the plates in the wrong direction.

[Paper] Pigs, all of you. Let’s begin.

[Zor] Flying pigs!

My partner seems to have a low sex drive. Am I doing something wrong? Is there something I can do to improve this situation?

[Zor] Part of someone’s sex drive is determined by science. The hormone levels, physical condition, blood sugar levels, and environment are all important in deciding someone’s sex drive.

[Paper] If referring to women, this is even more important–

[v2] All my lucky girls think, “Unlike men, most women cannot simply be turned on by flipping a switch.”  I am definitely special be cause it never works that way for them when I’m with them.

[Paper] This is an example of the girls you…”date”.  Anyways, for women, the chemical switch is even more obvious.  Everybody knows how bipolar hormones can be.

[v2] I just show up with a bank machine receipt and they’re all over me. I don’t even understand this question. I haven’t experienced this. I’ve had more experience with going to the moon.

[Zor] Uh huh, sure.

[Paper] I can’t speak for the men, but for women, there are just so many factors that decide if we want to have sex or not. There’s a lot beyond sheer physical attraction and opportunity.

[v2] You mean, besides someone’s income or the car they drive?

[Zor] I find that doing magic tricks works, too.

[Paper] Having sex for months and never getting her pregnant isn’t really a trick, per se.

[Zor] It’s not a trick, it’s an illusion!

[v2] Let’s get back to the question here. I think what I find works is that you learn the nuances of your partner, so you can cater to their individual needs. For instance, based on their height and weight, it depends how much roofie you have to use to—

[Paper] —I’m going to cut you off right there. I’m short and lightweight and now I’m worried.

How long should I date a person before we have sex for the first time?

[Paper] This really depends on the people involved. It’s best to wait as long as your hormones let you. Sometimes you feel so comfortable with someone that it seems like you should rush into it, but it’s never advised. Just go with your gut feeling, but make sure you’re both ready to take the step.

[Zor] I agree. I wouldn’t wait too long, though, because sometimes the attraction is so strong that it actually helps the relationship. It adds an aura of fun that really makes things more interesting. It’s like a whirlwind.

[v2] Fuck her first, then decide if you want to date her after.

[Zor] I hope you never have a daughter.

When do you know it’s really over? At what point should a couple give up trying to be together?

[Zor] I wouldn’t know. Every girl I’ve ever dated still wants me. I just picked the one I like the most.

[Paper] There comes a point when you know that someone’s wrong for you, and no amount of trying will ever make it work. You just know. If a relationship’s abusive, it’s best to get out right away and never look back.

[v2] Usually when the restraining order gets Fed Exed to your house. I hate when they make those special Saturday deliveries, that’s the worst.

If you must dump someone who is emotionally fragile, what is the best, most humane way?

[Paper] Honesty is the best policy. No matter how painful the reason is, the truth gets the most respect and the other party will always appreciate it in the end.

[Zor] What Paper said, except you lie to them instead.

[v2] When she walks in on you doing her brother, the whole situation sort of works itself out. You know how it is.

What do you do if your partner seems to be flirting with other people? Is it a sign of their infidelity? Are they really cheating on you behind your back?

[v2] Of course not! All 3 girls I’m dating know that it means nothing at all! Especially Larissa.

[Zor] Larissa who?

[v2] Larissa Woodrow, from Kingston.

[Zor] You fucking son of a bitch!!!

[Paper] I’m glad this question was asked last, or this’ve been a really short article.

[Zor] …! Tom, I’m gonna kill you!

[Paper] Fight!  Fight!

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