the Tommy|Zor era

I know, I know… its been forever since I’ve posted anything other than some twitter updates (fifty points if you can accurately guess which updates belong to whom). However, it’s difficult to find the drive and inspiration to write when you’re busy trying to get your life in order. Thankfully, things are on the uptrend and I am happy to return to my duty of ruining your day with my rants and babble.

Part of my time over the past few months has involved me commuting a lot between cities and towns. While my feelings for shitty drivers on the road doesn’t differ from the rest of you, I feel there is one specific area of my life I would like to target: the highway. It takes a special place in my heart because… well… I actually enjoy being on the highway. Something about being on the open road with your tunes cranked and your car performing at its ideal fuel economy. That is, unless you drive a hybrid; then I have nothing left to say to you. Overall, I look forward to getting on the highway and cruising to my destination. My problem is my experience being absolutely ruined by the other drivers on the road. I’m not talking about the ol’ George Carlin quote, “anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anybody driving faster than you is a maniac,” but the legitimate ignorance of how to drive on a highway.

Let’s break it down, shall we?

Merging

Highways move at a much faster pace than the roads that lead to them. So you know that on-ramp that has been purposefully built for you to get you on the highway? Their purpose is for you to accelerate to highway speeds before getting on the highway. I love nothing more than getting caught behind someone who is puttering along and doesn’t accelerate until they are on the highway. Motorists, who are fortunate enough to get surprised by these weenie heads (yeah, I went there), now have to brake and maneuver to avoid a fatal accident. But hey, people love having to brake hard on the highway when it is completely unnecessary.

On the same note of merging, it is a huge convenience and courtesy to move over one lane (if you are able to) to allow people to get on the highway. There is nothing that starts my drives more bitter than being above highway speeds coming off the on-ramp and not being able to merge. Move over, speed up, do something!

The Left Lane is for Passing

Repeat that again: the left lane is for passing. It is NOT a ‘free’ lane for you to drive in. There are other lane(s) available for you to drive in at your own pace. Should you need to pass, accelerate, pass and get back in the lane you were driving in. Do not pass while your cruise control remains untouched. Do not start to pass and begin to hesitate. Pass, get back and let the rest of the world move on with their lives.

Be Proactive, not Reactive

‘Highway stare’ is inevitable. I don’t fault anybody for getting into that hypnotic trance, but I do fault you for staying there for hours at a time. Remind yourself every so often that you are driving. Not only that, you are driving at higher speeds than normal and one stupid mistake could be the end of it. Keeping that in mind, slamming hard on your brakes is a sure-fire recipe for disaster – so avoid doing it at all costs.

Take the time to notice if your vehicle is slowly catching up to the one in front of you. If it is, check to see if it is safe to pass. Not okay to pass? Ease up on the gas until you’re at pace with the vehicle ahead of you. Then pass when you get the opportunity. Don’t just limit yourself to the vehicle ahead of you, what is the vehicle ahead of that person doing? Take the time to notice what is happening ahead of you. Also, take the time to notice what is happening behind you as well.

Somebody riding your ass? First, check to see if you are in the left lane and not using it to pass someone. That may be your first answer. Second, keep your pace and wait for them to pass you. Not happening? Touch – keyword touch – your brake pedal to set off your brake lights. Drop the hint. And for those of you who enjoy driving inches away from my rear bumper, even though the traffic is heavy and all of us have nowhere to move… fuck you.
Forget guns, I have heard of someone keeping golf balls in their glove box for that reason. At this point, it doesn’t sound like a bad idea.

On that same note, avoid riding someone else’s ass (on the road) at all costs. You never know when they may get nervous and brake hard. Guess what your reaction time will be on that situation?

Above all, don’t panic – ever!

Truckers

Despite what you may be thinking, this is not a rant against truckers. Many of them are pretty chill and enjoyable people and they have a job to do like everyone else. Keep in mind when you are on the highway that some of these people are running on little sleep and have been on the highway for days. So whatever you do, DON’T piss them off. Meaning, do not cut them off and then brake hard. I’m pretty sure that an 18 wheeler can pretty much take on anything that it encounters on a highway. But hey – if you think you have what it takes to survive that battle, Darwin could always use a few more examples to solidify his theory.

Drive or Get Off

My final analysis for those who piss me off on the highway is simple: lack of confidence. When you are not comfortable driving on the highway, you are bound to commit many driving atrocities. That is why I implore you to hand the wheel over to someone else, or just put the fear out of you and drive. Simple? Good.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I hear they are having a sale on golf balls at the sports store around here.