the Tommy|Zor era

I’d almost consider myself a movie buff, except that I don’t watch enough movies for that. All right, in fact, I barely watch them at all, but there are some that I just love.

I have decided to make my own movie up, using characters from amazing movies. If you haven’t seen all these movies, then this article will be lost on you, and for that, I feel sorry for you. You should watch these movies because they’re superb.

My character list is as follows (oh, and don’t be pissed because your favourite person isn’t in the list – this is a concept, and there are sequels to fit everyone in. That’s the only way I’m going to get Tom Green in there):

• Patrick Bateman from American Psycho
• Daniel Plainview from There Will Be Blood
• Jigsaw from Saw (Part I to whatever fucking episode he was killed in. SPOILER ALERT).
• Tyler Durden from… if you have to ask, get the fuck off the site, Jen! (yes, Jen, I’m talking about you) [no idea who Jen is]
• John McClane from Die Hard
• Meg Altman from Panic Room
• Shelly “The Machine” Levene from Glengarry Glen Ross

The Plot:

Shelly Levene is tying to sell useless land that is owned by Daniel Plainview, because the land is now worthless because Plainview got all the oil out already. Levene plans to build luxury apartments there, and he wants to sell a penthouse suite to Patrick Bateman. Bateman is a terrible man, who is then captured by Jigsaw to repent for his sins. Unfortunately, the house used to stage “the game”  by Jigsaw is the house that both Meg Altman and Tyler Durden live in – in case you didn’t realize it was the same house in both Panic Room and Fight Club, at least the inside. (David Fincher tricked you like that). Meg tries to escape while Tyler tries to move his soap making operation to a nearby house, shirtless, without getting into too may fights.

…and then, John McClane gets called in as a cop to investigate, and then gets trapped inside (by pre-9/11 terrorists) the house and has to escape with the help of Meg, who is actually an expert at staying inside the fucking house. Hilarity ensues.

Here are a few bits of dialogue to help set the tone:

* * * * *

LEVENE: Mr. Bateman, this is an exquisite piece of land, and the apartment building there will be nothing short of greatness. I’m only in town for one day, so perhaps we can do this deal quickly before the other vice presidents at your company buy up all the units?

BATEMAN: May I please see your business card?

Yes, the movie will have an 80s soundtrack, because that makes things better.

* * * * *

MEG: I’m trying to find a way to call out! They cut the phone lines! We need to contact someone outside!

TYLER DURDEN: No problem, I’ll make the house lights flash S.O.S. by trying to remove the fuse in the flooded basement.

* * * * *

JIGSAW: I want to play a game. You’ve lived your entire life as a soulless monster, depraved in your greed. It’s time to prove how much you want to live…

BATEMAN: Your compliment was sufficient, John.

…and then, in a later scene, Levene tries to sell Jigsaw a new piece of land to retire on after Saw 38 comes out

* * * * *

JOHN MCCLANE: Holy fuck! I can’t believe it’s Christmas! I feel like baby Jesus in here with all this attention! Guns! Knives!

PLAINVIEW: Nonsense. Jesus was just a bastard from a basket. BASTARD FROM A BASKET.

Been there, done that.

* * * * *

LEVENE: [talking to manager on phone] I want the premium leads! THE PREMIUM LEADS. I thought we were friends.

[Tyler Durden walks in on Levene on the phone]

DURDEN: You know what happens when you stay on the telephone too long? You wouldn’t believe some of the shit that happened to me while I was on the phone.

LEVENE: I need some coffee. I’m not allowed to have any. What were you saying about the telephones? I thought the burglar took all the telephones.

Just imagine Tyler Durden instead of Lester Burnham in this scene. Intense!

* * * * *

JIGSAW: You can’t even imagine the pain I’ve experienced. I have cancer, and it slowly eats my body alive. You can’t imagine how this feels… the pain…

MEG: You’re wrong. My daughter ended up in the Twilight movies with that underage boy with the abs that turns into a dog or whatever.

Who could’ve thought the daughter would’ve turned into such a tart retard?

* * * * *

PLAINVIEW: I’m glad we could come to this business decision, Mr. Levene.

LEVENE: Agreed. Let’s go celebrate with some dinner. Perhaps some dessert afterwards. Perhaps milkshakes?

PLAINVIEW: No thank you. I already drank your milkshake.

* * * * *

Plainview and Bateman end up killing everyone with bowling pins after a slow-motion scene that was bathed in photogrammerty. Bateman compliments Plainview’s suit as they talk business in a new high rise. Tyler Durden wasn’t dead, as it turns out, so he levels the building with C4 charges. Jigsaw continues on for another four movies because his voice is amazing.

There would also be lots of nudity and lots of sex scenes, mostly featuring Bateman and Durden banging random girls, but there would be a vaguely homoerotic vibe in the air since Tyler declared “I’m beginning to wonder if another woman is what we really need.” At that point, Bateman washes his hands – which are gloved – in the sink and makes a disgusted face. He then hires two more blondes to feel more hetero. LGBT groups around the country would applaud the forward-thinking nature of this film, but it’s actually just a bunch of bullshit to set up really awesome murder scenes. You’d have to imagine the scene where Jigsaw and Bateman meet as some sort of theatrical right of passage moment. That would be like the kid from A.I. meeting the HAL 9000. Fuck, that gives me another idea…

After I made two more sequels with other characters, I would pull a Hollywood and “reboot” the franchise with younger, shittier actors. Then, I would take your money. Again.