the Tommy|Zor era

I’ve been told by many people (mostly women, because they’re psychic or some shit. Hey bitch, where’s my lotto at?) that I’m an emotional vampire. I’ll admit it – I get a certain amount of joy from people’s misery. It’s one thing to take pleasure from bringing others down, but it’s entirely different to enjoy seeing someone who’s already miserable. I like both ways.

One of my favourite morning sights

Let’s go back to a time when I wasn’t even born – the 1970s. Part of that culture was all that hippy shit, that being ‘free, happy, selfless, ignorance-is-bliss stupid’, etc. Back then, being happy was all the rage, even if you didn’t really feel like it. They had medication and illicit drugs to make you feel happy, if only for yourself. What kind of bullshit world was that, anyway? Happy people are not productive! Happy people do not inspire progress! Happy people do not let us improve as human beings. Progress is made in the light of reality, and not in the shadows of…

I’m sorry, I can’t even write cliche shit like that without snickering. Anyway, back to what I thought I was saying:

The grunge movement of the early 90s (with the Nirvana, dirty jeans, heroine, those dark CK ads with models that look like they were abused by uncle Cletus) reversed that and said, “It’s cool to be miserable, or at least appear that way.” The youth was all over that, and for the first time since starving African children, appearing miserable made people want to do something for you, if only once. A month. For less than the price of a cup of coffee. Please call now. Operators are standing by. [Zor edit: They are definitely sitting.]

So here we are in 2008, where we’ve come to a beautiful compromise. Everyone happy is a winner, and everyone miserable is a whining little pussy. Welcome to the age of emo!

…and you know he has Anne Frank on Facebook

With everyone’s obsession with expression(tm) [that's mine, don't fuck around with it], we’re forced to listen and see a lot of fake misery. Some people have called it the “White Man’s Issue” where “white man has no oppression, so he makes up his own.” We’ll find anything to complain about just so someone will empathize with us. Joke’s on you, though – I don’t give a shit how you feel.

Precisely why I avoid Starbucks (and public places)

It’s kind of fun to sulk and be the death of the party, though. I remember in my late teens or early twenties, I’d be at some social event and be super fucking miserable and I made sure everyone knew it. “She doesn’t love me!” I cried in the middle of beer chugging contests. “Maybe my attachment doesn’t mutually benefit us and we’re in a state of polyphonic dementia, similar to a parasitic metaphysical camaraderie,” I’d snarl while eating chips. “Polyphonic’s a type of ringtone. Shut the fuck up and stop sounding like such a douche,” I’d be told politely by my friends. I probably shouldn’t have made up terms just to sound smart, but I wanted to feel accepted on the Internet.

v2 does 11 beers in 37 minutes = teh victory. Oh, that prom party!

Bringing down other people is a fun act in itself. If raining on someone’s parade is the term, then I want to Katrina some orphans opening presents at Christmas. [Zor edit: I see a lot of people using that as a forum signature. You're going to hell.]

In today’s me-too world of uncanny similarities physiological mitosis-like explorationaryish communication between people, we’ll do anything to stand out. Nothing gives us more attention than being in distress. I mean, Mario rescues the Princess because she’s been kidnapped, but in 2008, the Princess would’ve ran away from home and blogged about it from an Internet cafe. It’s weird in that way; how us as a society has taken pride in being weak. When everyone decided to share their emotions, they did. Now that that’s passe, we’ve starting making up fake emotions just to one-up each other in our quest of miserydom. Sometimes I wish I was a girl, because then if I made up shit that sounds this stupid and pretentious, they’d give me web awards and a column in a local newspaper. Prove me wrong. Double prove me wrong if I’m a girl with dark hair and thick-framed glasses.

Luigi nailing her from behind [not pictured]

But is seems that down is the new up, and it doesn’t appear to be going away any time soon. What’s wrong with just bottling up all your feelings so you don’t seem so fragile and pathetic? I would say that I’m an expressive guy, but I’m not spending all my time sharing my goddamn minutiae. [Zor edit: Oh, the irony...]

So I implore all of you to stop being so fucking down all the time! Don’t be a hippy either. Why don’t you just NOT communicate in any form unless you’re feeling very neutral? That’s an idea. You’ll actually earn your attention by being a thoughtful and though-provoking person. Luckily with me being a visionary and all-around great human being, I don’t succumb to the pressure of needing attention by faking issues. All my issues are real.