Beer… beer… beer
It was inevitable. As a Canadian who has nothing better to do with his lack of spare time than procrastinate and write articles, I would eventually write an entire article on beer. The problem is, beer is such a wide and broad topic that it would be impossible for me to do it justice. Hence, for this purpose, I have decided to narrow my focus to North American beers that I have spent a great deal of time with and want to provide my opinion on.
However, because I want to do this subject justice (I mean… who are we kidding, I can’t possibly drink that much), I encourage you to send me your beer reviews. If I get enough of them, I’ll dedicate an entire article to your reviews. If I only get a few, I’ll attach them to the next few articles I write. Part of this may or may not be desperation for new articles… who knows.
[Paperdreamer: From what I understand, you've been a desperate case for quite some time.]
[Zor: Does this mean you're finally going to give me my yellow belt?]
[Paperdreamer: What the hell is wrong with you? Seriously.]
Molson Canadian
4 words: Stay the fuck away. This stuff is absolute garbage and I’ve had more enjoyment accidentally swallowing paint thinner. Canadian pride? Fuck, then consider me the most un-Canadian person you know. The only thing this beer has going for it is its marketing. It took one genius to name this beer after the country and another one to do commercials about how great it is to be Canadian. The most famous one being this one here:
This beer is only good when:
a) you are underage and don’t know any better…and…
b) you want to bring beer to a party, but don’t want anybody else to drink it.
In all honesty, option b was the only reason I ever drank it years ago. If I brought a 24 of this to a party and everybody else brought nothing, I would still have a 24 at the end of the night.
Bud Light
If there is one beer that can sell purely on its marketing campaign, this beer is it. The most exciting moments of the Superbowl is waiting to see what commercials Bud Light is going to roll out with; my personal favourite being the following:
A very close second is the “Hidden Bud Light.” Marketing aside, I rather enjoy this beer. I would not recommend this beer if you are looking to get hammered, nor would I recommend it if you are looking for a tasty, thirst quenching beverage. This is one of those beers that you come home to and enjoy before doing anything, or after you’re done with everything. Just so we’re clear, I did go through a stint of just regular Budweiser. Didn’t like it and it didn’t do much for the pallet. This is the only mention it is going to receive as it is not the King of my beers.
Coors Light
“Zor, two light beers in a row? C’mon!” Coors Light does deserve an honorable mention as I actually enjoy the taste of it significantly more than Bud Light. However, I reserve this beer for those random times when I’m at a restaurant and feel like a drink. It is also good for those times at the bar when your friends tell you that you’re the designated driver after you walk in the door. Not that we know anything about that situation, do we Tommy? That was later fixed by implementing a new rule: first person drunk has to drive home. Typically, the faster you drink, the faster you sober up. Wait – I think there may be a flaw in that logic. Fuck! Okay, here’s a legal disclaimer:
The people of this site do NOT endorse or encourage drinking and driving. Call, bus, take a cab, or go home with somebody who meets the lowest of your standards.
4 reasons to drinks Coors Light
Rickard’s White/Pale
My first introduction to wheat beer was through the obvious, Hoegaarden. However, that is an expensive beer to buy here and not commonly available. Most pubs don’t actually serve it on tap until the late spring/early summer. In response, Rickard’s releases White. It’s hard to enjoy this beer in its entirety as I am always comparing it to Hoegaarden and it always falls short. As a standalone beer, it’s very decent. When ordering in a restaurant, they typically serve it with an orange slice. I have better things to do with my oranges… like throw them off my balcony to see how much farther I can throw from the 22nd floor as opposed to the ground level. Fuck the orange slice, it doesn’t actually do anything.
Looks refreshing, tastes okay
Rickard’s Pale is a delicious fucking beer! It’s smooth, delicious and easy on the pallet. My only issue is that it is a difficult beer to find. Very few places serve it and many beer stores carry it, but typically have little stock of it. This receives my highest recommendation.
Samuel Adams
When v2 and I were in California, this was my goto beer. I drank this shit the entire time I was there and it was decent. Reminded me of Rickard’s Red, didn’t offend me all that much and easily drinkable at 7:30 in the morning. I find myself buying a six pack from time to time for something different.
Thanks Sam for all your hard work and dedication. Nobody knows what the fuck you did in life, but hey, there’s a beer named after you
Maximum Ice
This beer will sodomize you in your sleep while simultaneously spilling poison in your ear. It’s disgusting and it hurts to drink, but this beer was designed for one purpose: to get you drunk off your ass. I have nothing but bad associations and awful memories drinking this shit, so I’m going to leave it there.
Stay away. Stay the fuck away
Pabst Blue Ribbon… in cans
When you have hit the bottom of the barrel and want the best that value beer has to offer, look no further than PBR. There is no better way to offend someone than to offer this beer to them as a gift. I believe their response will be, “What did I do to piss you off? Do you not like me?”
Yet, I honestly can’t get enough of it. This beer kicks your fucking ass all over the floor and your only response is, “more, please.” I prefer the cans over the bottles because they go down much faster. Plus, if you’re going to go value beer, you better go fucking hardcore value. In my opinion, best value for your dollar and my personal beer pick for 2008!
Presenting 1 of 6 million PBRs I had this past summer
Yes, after the modest list of beers I’ve chosen for this article, Pabst Blue Ribbon came out the winner. Shit, maybe I do need to get checked out…
budlight is fantastic, I don’t even
understand. I can drink it so easily.
but corona and heineken are my faves,
I would have to say. but there is some
nasty-ass almost no name brand beer up
here that I’ve never seen commercials
for, never heard of anyone else drinking,
and never seen in liquor stores but
always shows up at parties, and always
ends up being the most popular, probably
beacuse people want to drink it all
to get it out of the way. I don’t know
if you’ve heard of BLACKS beer, but stay
away from it, it tastes like piss. I
think they are only in business still
because people are afraid to sound racist
when they say they hate it.
The best American beer (rather, the one I enjoyed the most) I’ve had is definitely Rolling Rock. It tastes like a lighter version of Moosehead, which is probably the best beer on the planet.
It also works fucking great at 7:30 in the morning, as Zor can attest to.
hello tommyzor. i’m going to help your possible ignorance about beer.
craft beer = real beer.
http://www.ratebeer.com. there, goodnight. i have to work in the morning.
p.s. i enjoy reading your work/articles. so cheers to your effort.