Back to school, fools!
Today when I woke up, the air smelled different. It was a little colder, a little darker outside. That could only mean one thing…
…the first day of school. Did I mention how great it is not to go to school anymore? What’s worse than going back to school?
Nothing. Seriously. Don’t believe me? Watch and learn.
Ah yes, the day after labor day. Millions of people are getting up in the morning, getting all beautiful and preparing themselves for another 8-10 months of fucking torture. Don’t get me wrong - everyone should go to school and get a good post-secondary education - but seriously, why does it have to fucking suck so hard? I would honestly rather have my appendix taken out with coat hanger than spend another minute in school. I went to school, never missed a class. Got a perfect attendance certificate in Grade 12 and OAC (remember that, older Canadians?). And guess what? I hated every minute of it. College - I didn’t mind that. It was like high school without any of the good parts - oh wait. Scratch that. It sucked, too.
Even worse than going to school? The first day of school. Let me recap those horrid memories for you, just in case nostalgia is clouding your judgement.
Does it look empty to you? It must be church day.
The First Day of School Recap
Grade JK
- You found the new box of crayons on your desk. You then ate a few. You get a hanger with your name on it.
Grade 1
- You see all the new students that weren’t in your JK class. You try to kill them with your rounded scissors, but you fail miserably and they end up fucking your girlfriend 14 years later.
Grade 2
- You now have the motor skills to enjoy the playground to its full potential. So does little Tommy, who pushes you off and breaks your arm
Grade 3
- You play kissing tag. Joke’s on you, the little girls have Chlamydia
Grade 4
- Barbie and GI Joe lunch boxes are no longer acceptable. You cry accordingly.
Grade 5
- The playground at recess no longer seems appealing because all the popular people no longer go on it. They stand in groups and talk about “summer”, although technically it’s still summer after Labour Day
Grade 6
- After looking around and seeing that all the girls have grown tits over the summer break, you start masturbating and not feeling guilty because they finally look “old enough”
Grade 7
- You make friends with some of the older kids. They don’t really like you, but they do like selling pot to you to fund their activities
Grade 8
- You are the oldest and most powerful. You hear all the stories of the most popular girl in school having sex and you tell yourself “I’m next” because you’re the man
High School
Ah, high school. That was decent; the lunchtime at the nearby park at least
Grade 9
- You are back to being the youngest and most useless. You dress to impress. You have the nicest, most expensive Nike shoes - too bad so does half the school. Sucker.
Grade 10
- You tell yourself you won’t fuck up like you did in grade 9. That goal is as realistic as your little sister keeping her virginity.
Grade 11
- You are now almost an adult. You act accordingly - by working harder, staying organized, planning for the future (ie: which beer you will drink on the weekend)
Grade 12
- You are the oldest and most powerful again. Some of your friends still haven’t gotten laid. You start to worry. You tell yourself that this will be the best year of your life. You are wrong, as always.
College / University
Ah yes, post-secondary education. A brilliant move for the future or a waste of fucking time? Depends on which rich and famous person you ask…
They are dressed like the Canadian Olympic team, and win just as often
$3700 a year for this kind of education? Better to spend it on…oh, ANYTHING
1st Year University / College
- You’re still recovering from frosh week. You realize that post-secondary is a sham and that it’s just an excuse to party all the time. It’s too late, the cheque’s been cashed.
2nd Year University / College
- You run into all the hot girls you used to know in high school. They are now all fat although you’d never tell them that. You can finally stop jerking off about them and dream of their younger sisters because you’re still too young to be a “perv”
3rd Year University / College
- At this point you must really like school so you might even be going places - like being McDonald’s management!
4th Year University / College
-
Congratulations, all the drop-outs are out making money and you now owe the government $31,000. Owned.
How to make School Cool
Holy shit, I rhymed there. Now for a few things that would make school worth going to.
Useful courses
- Proper driving 101 - handbrake turns, narrowly avoiding pedestrians, driving drunk from the bars
- Hand to hand combat 101 - I’m not talking about that sissy Judo class in Phys Ed. I’m talking about straight up gangster shit. Knives, socks with pennies, the works
- Pimpin’ 101 - Impressing shallow girls with the useless stuff you’ve amassed by working your ass off
- Sex Ed 101 - you watch porn all day and discuss the merits of monogamy and birth control
- Playerhatin’ 101 - This course would be available, but I’d kick the ass of whoever signed up for it
- Tomzorology 101 - Study of Tommy|Zor and all their greatness. Learn to mack bitches, make girls cry, do magic shows, write articles and get laid while you’re getting paid (like $3.50 a month split two ways)
Upgrades
- Sexier uniforms. School Girl uniforms are hot. Anime doesn’t lie
- Taco Bell in the cafeteria
- Co-ed change rooms so both genders can make fun of Allen
- Keep the toys all the way into high school. Nothing says lovin’ like wood blocks and K’Nex.
Get rid of:
- Starting so damn early. Brutal. What’s wrong with noon-ish?
- Useless things like sports teams and extra-curricular activities
- School buses. Make everyone walk, you fat bastards
And you know what the very best way to make school good again? If they made you read PROPER books. Instead of all the Shakespeare crap and Tale of Two Cities, you’d read websites, porn magazines, Maxim, Car & Driver, etc. In fact, forget all that paper book bullshit and let’s have people read tommyzor.com all day long. They can spend time learning the art of writing, and finding hundreds of little typos and references to illegal activities.
So to all you suckers, please enjoy going back to school. I know I wouldn’t.< ><–>
I just realized you have, in your bio:
“cheap Canadian beer”
Just thought out I should point out the contradiction.
Otherwise, excellent article.
It really reminds me of the futility, irony, and overall sense of hopelessness that is public education. And of the fact that I have to go to it tomorrow.
Ah well, at least I get to try to look down a cheerleader’s shirt in calculus.
“Tomzorology 101 - Study of Tommy|Zor and all their greatness. Learn to mack bitches, make girls cry, do magic shows, write articles and get laid while you’re getting paid (like $3.50 a month split two ways)”
Fucking awesome…
Hahaha, Lols awesome article.
I ain’t going back to school either.
First days suck because you never know what to expect or, in your case, exactly what to expect. I’m going back tomorrow. But I think it all pales in comparison to when the shit hits the fan.
Yes, I’m talking about midterms and
F(uck)
I
N(ever)
A(ctually)
L(earned)
S(hit)
This is what happens when you have to make acronyms to remember anything in your education…
And why does my gravatar suck? Square glasses and a triangle head AND slurpy tongue? Is that what you think of me?
Mine gravtar is of the same nature, it sucks to the core and kills my personality.
$3700 a year, Ha!…
At my university ,freshman year was $16,700, by the time I was a senior, it was $21,900 with progressive steps in between. Grad school was a little bit more affordable–$480 per unit, x 43 units total. I wonder if I should have just taken that $100,000 and started my own business. Even if it failed, I probably would have gotten a similar education.
Matt that is so fucking awesome! “Similar education”.
Good god. I thought college was cheaper outside America, but you inspired me to do some research. Turns out Oxford is over $40,000 yearly.
Is this including the a cost of living estimate (room & board, if applicable)?
School ain’t cheap, mofo. Take a course in pimpin’ and call it good. And you think your high school experience was bad? How about sitting around and being forced to listen to people telling wildly exaggerated stories about huntin’, muddin’, trucks, and their “sleds”? That’s brutal. I’d have to wager it’s not as bad as the inner city, though. Screw it, public education sucks and I’m glad I’m done with it.
Speaking of college , my engineering was only 400 dollars an year, so 1600 and I am educated for 4 years.
The PPP GDP (2007) in India is $2700 on the CIA factbook. By other estimates, rural salaries might be as low as $800.
Try paying out of pocket then!