the Tommy|Zor era

If one’s an anti-biotic, and one’s a pro-biotic, one would assume that mixing Amoxicillin and Yoplait would probably blow up the entire universe with one spoonful.

The only wise thing a wisdom tooth’s ever done is given someone the idea to make money removing someone else’s.

Krispy Kreme doughnuts are surprisingly soft and supple. I guess the guy who named them left them in the box for a few weeks.

The only cool part about living in a small city that shares its name with a very famous city is that it’s an instant conversation starter with strangers when you’re a tourist.

“Where do you come from?”
“From Canada. A small city in Ontario called Paris.”
“Oh Paris! I love France! My one aunt…”
“Umm…fuck. Never mind.”

I recently bought a 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner, and I swear they forgot the conditioner. I’m not sure how I can prove that, though. They’ll just say, “Sir, the bottle appears full. One of the ingredients is obviously not missing…”

Ice wine is a liquid. My mistake.

Be sure to check if a store’s return policies include alkaline batteries. You can’t image how useful it might be to be able to return them within a 30-day window.

They say you should never judge a book by its cover. They’ve obviously never shopped at Amazon.com, then.

Everyone’s talking about oil shortages in the world. I hadn’t noticed. One day, if the McDonald’s french fries are not greasy, I will notice.

Recently I was returning bottles to the beer store. One six-pack was something a friend brought over, and the cashier refused to take it, saying “This was bought in America, so I can’t give you money for this.” That’s interesting. I hadn’t ever considered the fact that I should drive 2 hours to return 6 bottles just to pay for 1/4 of the toll to do so.

Thanks, Jessica Simpson. Now when some chick with an online personal ad says “I got a body like Jessica Simpson!” I can just assume the worst. What sort of example are you setting for the little girls, anyway? Telling them that it’s OK to be comfortable in your own skin and not have to be skinny and sexy, yet have DDs? Great, that’s all we need now – chubby chicks that think they can pick and choose their mates.

A hard drive really lives up to its name if you’ve ever had one thrown at you.

Imagine LCD monitors were white when they were turned off instead of black? I’ll leave that up to Apple to implement. They’ve already made things colourful, translucent, white, glossy, and expensive, in that order.

I’ve never, ever lost any money in the stock market, no matter the economy’s position. That has a lot to do with that fact that I have no idea how to deposit money in the stock machine, or however it is that you do that.

Chocolate milk costs more than regular milk. That makes sense, seeing as there are more things in it. But then again, the total quantity of the container is the same, so something must’ve been taken out to fit the extra ingredients in. Now that is fucking meta.

I find it hard to believe that a lawn mower couldn’t be easily converted into a snow blower. In fact, it’s hard to believe that there isn’t a machine that does both. Us Canadians could use one machine in the shed, instead of neither one of them because I’m cheap and salt is cheaper for both problems.

A coaster is a little plate for your drinks. The name is awful, because I always feel like it should be moving around for maximum results. Move it around enough, and you’d be better off buying fuzzy cups.

I’m not sure what the appeal of candles really are. There are far faster ways of setting your house on fire. You certainly don’t need a box of 100 of them to do that.

The more exotic a meal is, the more expensive yet basic it seems. You could pay $60 a plate for a cut-up piece of a raw octopus. For $20 I’d rather have the best part of a cow, beautifully cooked with a side of potatoes; Unless you’re Hindu, in which case my dish is probably much more expensive.

It would be so cool to take a Blu-ray disc to 1993 and stick it into a player to have it do nothing while onlookers are baffled. Yep, I have access to time travel and that’s the best I could come up with.

“World Wide Web” has less syllables than saying “Double You, Double You, Double You.” You’re all a bunch of morons.

It seems like the outside of a pair of jeans is softer than the inside. I feel like I’ve been wronged. For that matter, why can’t both sides be the same? My towels are the same on both sides, made of the same material, and they’re a lot cheaper. I know! Meta!

A recycling bluebox is blue. Shouldn’t it be green? Doesn’t that convey the message a little better? I’m always tempted to fill mine with water and watch it freeze, then stick a newspaper on top of it all, and watch the recycling guy throw out his back when he tries to quick-lift it first thing in the morning. Score!

Computers were grey, then ivory, then black, then translucent blue (fucking Apple!), then silver, black again, then white, and now they’re slabs of glossy mirror rainbow colours and shaped like Alien heads. Someone took a wrong turn there somewhere.

Email will never replace letter mail because I’d like to see you have 7 different addresses, 4 of which are only for receiving porn.

Ever take a sprial-bound notebook, turned it backwards, and then it was a Japanese-spec notebook? Never have I.

When I was a kid but before I got my glasses, I never understood UPC bar codes. How was that cashier laser reading any information from those grey rectangles, anyway?

I hate when people call it a 2-way mirror when they see those things in interrogation rooms. Let me assure you, the guys on the other side aren’t checking their hair. If you don’t know what some thing is called, don’t call it anything.

“Hey come check out my new screen saver!”
“Alex, that’s a desktop wallpaper. That’s the opposite of a screen saver, in fact.”
“It’s Jessica Alba. Pretty hot, huh?”
*emotion for wanting to commit suicide.*

There’s 3 words in the English language I cannot spell:

-restaraunt
-reciept
-soliloquizationary

I don’t think I’ve ever typed these words and didn’t see them with a squiggly red underline. Joke’s on you, though, since the third word isn’t even a real word. How dare you assume I’m an idiot and can’t spell it.

Some people have successfully washed their computer keyboards in their dishwasher. No problem. I don’t recommend trying your front-loading clothes washer, however, but it will sound absolutely amazing.

I once made an online user name of “Qwertyuiop”, and someone didn’t get it. “What language is that in, Swedish?” Perhaps I should have tabbed before it and put a square at the end to help out with the translation. Swedish. Jesus Christ.

The coolest thing about working in the IT industry is running into an old friend at the beach and him asking how to install a DVD burner. It’s very similar to what is the worst thing about working in the IT industry.